New Text Document (3).txt

I'm sorry.

You, my lovely reader, are the reason why I keep writing this.

I feel like I should show this story to everyone. A story that only Pommie and I knew. Some of my friends knew eventually, but that's different. 

This will be my last document. Hopefully, the pain will be gone hereafter. 

-

So, we didn't really talk at school after that. Although we would still text, our text messages were bland and vague.

A: "Hi..."
B: "Hey."
A: "I'm sorry..."
B: "Ok."

I knew she was mad. I knew what I have done was wrong. And I regret it. I have violated not only the wall I have set up myself, but also the wall she placed. A wall she knew all so well.

I really didn't know what I was thinking at the time, but I tried trying to think what.

Was I a bad person? A rapist?

-Perhaps.

Did she forgive me?

-Not yet.

And when I finally came to the question: why did I do that?

-I don't know.

She asked me as well why I did that. All I could muster to say was that I didn't know. Because I really don't know. My mind at the time felt blank and the words left my mouth before I could think. 

Maybe I was too consumed by lust. Or maybe I was too obsessed with exploring more of her. 

During that time, she broke up with me. She texted me: "I think we should break up."

And that was about the first time I told someone I wanted to die.

It was a sentence I didn't like saying, but I said it so many times that I grew used to it. If she asked me: "How are you?" I would say: "I want to die." That's how normal it was for me then. Because it was true. I really wanted to die. At first, I hesitated in telling her, thinking that she'd pity me. But I said it. I told her it a few times. And then that was about the first time as well when she said: "Me too."

Breaking up with me was easier than hearing that.

At least breaking up with me had a reason, but the way she would also say it was more heartbreaking. I think our perception of each other broke apart after that. We would look at each other like we're broken glasses, trying to keep up the water we hold, but also just wanting to break apart. 

At school, she'd sit so far away from me and always behind me. I have a tendency to sit up front, so she could see whenever I look back at her. I can't help it. I missed her.

You, my lovely reader, might be asking what I am doing during this time. I honestly don't know anymore, but I can only imagine. 

It's so painful to write about this time.

So, what I was doing during that time was I was drowning myself in food. I heard from a couple of people that food settles pain. It does, but the problem was still there. And I get reminded of it whenever I see her at school.

This continued for a week until we got together again.

I'll tell you, my lovely reader, how it went. She asked me for a massage. It was her period at the time, and I knew she always had bad cramps. There were times before she would ask me for a massage too, which I did happily. I was used to giving massages at the lower back because I pretty much grew up with people asking it from me. I got so good at giving massages that even people would come to our house to get one from me. Anyway, she asked for one, probably thinking she'd get one of those Authentic Asian massages, but of course, for me, it was just a normal massage.

What can I say? It was just a normal fucking massage. And I didn't even know how I got so good at it. 

Back to the story, she was really afraid of me touching her. And I understood. But it still made me cry. So, she had her back towards me and she was shaking. I was shaking too, but what she didn't know was that I was crying. When I put my hands on her back, which was soft, I felt like we got back again. She let me touch her, and I comforted her. She felt good afterward. Her face was calmer and her shaking was gone. She probably noticed the dry tears on my eyes because what she did afterward surprised me. She hugged me. Tightly. 

I wanted to die at that point, too. But because I was happy.

I whispered into her ear: "I'm so sorry."

Then she simply replied: "I know."

I wish that hug would take ages. I wish she were there for more than just a massage.

But she texted me that afternoon after school about us and she said she wants me back. And I felt a little bit empty because I didn't understand why. I have done such a bad thing. I don't really understand her feelings. Did she just love me that much?

My friends and the class never really noticed that we broke up. They knew that we probably had a quarrel but that's pretty much it. They never really suspected anything major or anything. So did my parents, of course.

There was a time when Sharon invited me over to their cabin in the middle of the woods and I didn't see why not. I told Pommie about it and she was kind of sad. Probably jealous? I don't know. But she was pretty sad about it.

It was a fun trip to the cabin. There was no internet, no electricity, no running water, nothing that screamed civilization really. It's just you, your friends and nature. And of course a wooden cabin. At first, I was scared but I didn't really mind it. Sharon was there and it was really fun.

I was worried though. Not for me, but for Pommie. She had been messaging me and it has been eating away my data. I told her and it only worried her more. 

So, she made me a document instead which she will show me later.

Anyway, Sharon and I were enjoying so much and we even went to sauna together. Don't worry nothing happened. We weren't naked, just a towel, though. But it was really fun, she was clearly having fun. And during that trip, I shot my first gun. Damn. That was really good. Gives you this adrenaline rush. I might wanna do it again. 

But Pommie made me this document. I told her I had been using Sharon's data for some time and Sharon's adoptive parents were kind of noticing it. I had to explain that Pommie is a real worrywart, but nevertheless I felt a little bit uncomfortable that I was on the phone the whole time.

So she sent me a timeline of how she felt:

Im making you a document today, rather than phone notes…

they are time stamped.

19:57

yeah ik it weird but i want to tell you stuff but not make you use up battery by looking at them since notifications come up.

I really miss you…

20:19

Remember that backpack i had with the panda hood? I added tons of patches and pins 2 it, i really like it.

21:00

Im gonna take the pic of the purple lipstick tomorrow and im also gonna curl my hair tomorrow

Grandma is back from hospital, she is okay now.

21:50

It's weird not having you say goodnight to me real time, it makes me forget that i should sleep soon

23:14

Ive been thinking about this poem the entire day. It's funny in a way since i haven't listened to it in about 1 year yet now i remember it

Orphan Theism // Levi the Poet

When I sit on the pier and wait for that black abyss to swell and spit out your letters, my heart rises and falls with the water, and sometimes, I just wish it would swallow me.

Heaven: the expanse above the tide rising and beneath the rain falling.

I swear sometimes breathing feels just like drowning, stuck here in between.

But when your bottles float in, there is nothing as beautiful as their dim glow, and my heart longs after them.

Their colors catch my eye, dank bourbon or molded green protecting white sheets painted with calligraphic handwriting, tainted with damp expressions of the bottle's history, but purely you...

Purely you.

I've been thinking about just what "beauty" is, but no amount of thinking has added beauty to it.

All I know is that it points beyond itself, like I long beyond your love notes, like I long for you.

I've seen the entire spectrum refracting off the ripples beneath my bare feet from the edge of this weathered dock,

and thought God, there's got to be more than this.

I have no idea what to believe, but beauty pulls me beyond myself like I don't even have a choice, so I know I don't believe in nothing.

Where, my love, does the beauty inside of a tree reside, made up of atoms, identical and colorless,

where the light of the sun merely vibrates in waves toward our eyes, striking tissues and moving along nerves like a telephone wire, to their endings, like telephones?

I do not know.

There is no actual color in the atoms of which the tree is composed, or in those vibrations.

Shape, size, color, touch and the like are simply the names we call our sensations,

and no amount of study can ever bring the notion of beauty to the tree...

When I don't know how, help me embrace the mystery.

Will you come home?

This tree house won't be that without you.

23:16

come home please…

23:34

Ik i should sleep… i didnt sleep yesterday.

But it seems like i cant rest without you…

At least i stopped crying

1:00

Im gonna try to sleep…

I hope you are sleeping well by now. Good night, i love you.

28 jan

10:51

I posted a selfie on insta, it's the first time in 2 years damn. It's very scary for me. it's like posting my art on artem but i know my selfie is trash… I posted that pic you liked of me, the one where i make the goofy face. It felt true to me... 

(Hopefully, this isn't copyrighted.)

Reading it, it touched me. I kind of felt bad, but I also knew after that what kind of girl she was. She was frail, weakhearted, and also very clingy. I didn't mind that. I already promised myself that I'd give her anything. So, I don't mind.

Although my parents started to notice her clinginess and even said that she's trying to control me at some point. Of course, I didn't tell them what had happened. Because that's just too much for me.

Anyway, what I want to say is that we hit it off again.

She said she loved me, and I said I loved her. The kind of way that we would want to be together until the end of time. 

I felt like we were better together during that time. She was also being very possessive of me. Sometimes even getting jealous whenever I sleep at my friends' place. (Remember that all my close friends at that time were girls.) 

At school, we'd find ourselves playing our little games again. We tried many other things as well, we'd often go to town and go shopping. We'd try to eat ice cream even though it's cold. We tried hanging out with her brother. And we tried having sex.

At first, she was scared. Of course, she was. She already identified herself as asexual. I respected it at first, and she liked that of me. But ever since that night at my place, she had gotten this dark cloud over her. Maybe she was thinking about me as well. And that kind of made me feel bad because we started calling it "helping me out."

But the foolish me didn't look at it that way. Sometimes, I would even take advantage of her kindness. And I knew it was bad.

But nevertheless, she would do it.

And I liked it.

I didn't know what had gotten over me. I was abusive of her kindness, the kind of way where I was being evil. I didn't know what I was doing at the time, and she probably also. She'd sometimes force herself, I guess. 

But there was this time where I was sleeping over at my friend's place. He's one of the few guys, I actually have gotten closer with. His name is Gabriel, let's say. He's very nice and he is the oldest in the class. I have grown to look up at him and his wiseness. He would sometimes teach me maths because he was very good at it. He would study and study and study. I would follow him, but I seemed to be distracted all the time.

One time, during my stay at Gabriel's place, I was messaged by her. She said she wanted to do it. Over the phone. She was lonely, she said. I was shocked and I didn't know why she'd want it. 

So, I borrowed Gabriel's room, which he gave nicely. And we did it over the phone. Uh. I dont think Gabriel knew because it was like 12 AM and I said I want to sleep. He said that he could sleep on the couch and I could sleep on the bed.

I'm so sorry Gabriel.

The first time we actually did it in person was, again, at her dad's place. Coincidentally. Her dad wasn't there again.

I'm sorry Sweetiepom's dad.

But nevertheless, we would do it multiple times at her house, her dad's place, etc. And I grew used to it.

It was up until my birthday when we kind of stopped. She said she was tired and I respected that. 

During my birthday, we went with my parents to the capital city and celebrated. I kind of felt that my parents grew to not like her anymore. And it was true, I asked them later on and they said she was always talking about herself and stuff like that. But what they didn't know was what I did to her. So, I didn't care what they said.

We tried doing different things now. We would try learning each other's language. It was really cute because she was trying really hard to say the words of my mother tongue. She had this accent that she couldn't get rid of and her way of saying it was very sluggish but cute. Nevertheless, I made a document with all the basic phrases and pronunciations.

Her language on the other hand was difficult and I felt embarrassed not being able to read it at all. There was a classroom in our school with people who were learning the same language, so they had these PostIt notes on items with the names of the item. It was written in their alphabet, so I tried learning the alphabet on Wikipedia while reading the items' names. I used to do that every time we use that classroom until I showed her I can read it flawlessly. 

She was really surprised because a few weeks before, I couldn't read a single letter. And now I can read whole paragraphs. Well, I can read them, but I don't understand them.

She'd still wait for me at the train station and we'd walk hand in hand to school as usual. Her brother had probably gotten tired in waiting so he usually went ahead.

We continued it like this up until summer.

She said she was going to England to go to a summer school for physics. I supported her, and I liked the idea as well. But I had to go to the Netherlands to visit some friends and family, and thereafter, I am also going to my motherland in Asia. So my whole summer was pretty much occupied.

We would still contact each other on Skype, Facebook, etc. But we felt that the distance was annoying.

We wanted each other's presence. 

But during her stay at the summer school. She sent me a text.

"I want to break up."

At first, I thought she was just joking, but I figured only a little bit later that she wasn't. In my head, I blamed myself for my selfishness. I hated myself. Then I used the line again: "I want to die."

My stupid self would say that to her. I shouldn't have. I know, my lovely reader. I know. 

But nevertheless, I respected her decision. It was probably because I trespassed her boundaries, her sexuality. Her identity.

I told Mary about it and she learned about what happened during that night at my place. But nevertheless, Mary still supported me. She knew I wasn't the person who would do such a thing intentionally. She knew I wasn't thinking. She knew that I am kind and loving. But I didn't know that.

I would hurt myself. Try to do all the things to give myself the punishment I deserved.

I blamed myself for her going away.

But I was at my motherland at the time and my own grandmother noticed I would cry at night. She told my mom who didn't really tell me anything at first up until I told her.

She said it was fine, but she didn't know!

She didn't know what I had done.

What can I say?

That your son is an idiotic piece of shit that doesn't know what the fuck the girl of his dreams feels and doesn't fucking care about her feelings so he has sex with her without even fucking asking her feelings about it and do all the shit she doesn't want to do and making her question her own identity?

I can't tell her that. I was her precious child and I can't possibly taint my image in her head. So, I lived with it for a week.

It was until a week later she told me she found someone else.

And this here, my lovely reader, is where the story ends.

I want to die.