I Think I'm In Love

I’ve done it! I’m a genius! Well… not really since it’s taken me so fucking long to figure this out. But ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls your boy has finally figured out what he’s been feeling for the past 6 months. And no, it’s not some unknown disease I thought I might have had.

Seriously for the past couple of months, I thought I had some weird deadly disease and was looking on the internet for something. According to some sources I had one of two things; a heart attack and should immediately go to hospital as I only have 6 days to live, or, the other thing was a four-letter word starting with L and ending with E.

And no before you ask, I didn’t book an emergency appointment with a doctor and made them check me thoroughly and perform every exam in the book. They happened to tell me what was exactly wrong with me, and it was indeed that four-letter word.

Oh, for fuck’s sake I’m talking about LOVE! I’m in LOVE with her there I said it you happy now? Now I just need to break this news to her… but wait! What if she doesn’t feel the same way about me? What if she just wants to be friends with me? What if she thinks I’m weird and says that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore?

Wait a second! Why am I overthinking this so much? I swear I was never like that before; I was a lot more put together. God, the things I have to deal with after she’s come into my life! It’s really not fair, but then again everything is fair in love and war… or so they say. I still think it’s unfair.

Wait before I start to second guess everything let me go and ask the ‘love expert’ that is my older brother. I quickly run to his room and don’t bother knocking and just barge in.

“I need your help!” I yell, out of breath.

My brother looks at me, eyes wide.

“Okay, calm down,” he told me, gesturing towards his chair and telling me to sit.’

“Wait, first of all, are you busy?” I asked.

“Yes, but since this sounds serious no, what’s up?” he asks.

I opened my mouth but closed it again, thinking about how to word it.

“How… how did you know?” I asked.

He moved his eyes around, confused, “Know what?”

“That you were in love?” I asked.

My brother blinked a couple of times before saying one thing; “Oh.”

“Oh?” I repeated.

“What does ‘Oh’ mean and why don’t I like it?” I asked, worried.

“I mean ‘Oh’ as in I owe Aneko something,” he shrugged.

I looked at him confused; he sighed before explaining.

“We made a bet on how long it would take for you to realise you were in love, I had said at least another 2 months but Aneko said you would take at least another week to figure it out, and what do you know? You figured it out in exactly 1 week!” he told me.

“You guys bet on me?” I asked, incredulously.

“But I’m not in love with her! Or at least I’m not sure I am…” I muttered.

“Okay let me ask you a series of questions and if you answer ‘Yes’ then we know and if the answers are ‘No’ then maybe go back to that Doctor’s appointment,” my brother laughed.

I was surprised to find out he knows, but that’s the least of my concern right now. I need to know if I’m actually in love.

“Okay these questions are not to do with feeling butterflies or your heart skipping a beat or even you hearing birds,” he rolled his eyes.

“Okay,” I nodded.

“Do you find yourself missing her presence, even when you’re not alone? You could be with a group of people, but for some reason when she’s not around you feel lonely?” he asked.

I nod.

“Okay, when you two brush against each other, even if it’s brief do you want to do it again? Do you feel the need to hold her in your arms and never let go? Do you want to give her that warmth?” he asks the second question.

I nod, again.

“Hm, and when she’s upset do you feel your heart breaking? Do you want to do anything to make sure that she smiles? Does it make you angry knowing that sometimes you can’t be the one to solve that problem for her? Thar you weren’t there to protect her from whatever it was that made her upset?” he asks.

I nod, for the third time.

“Last question, and this time I don’t want a simple head nod I want a reasoning,” he told me.

“Okay,” I say to him.

“Are you attracted to her physically or are you attracted to her emotionally?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“When you’re attracted to someone physically, you’re not attracted to how they are or what they’re like but by how they look, instantly you’re drawn to them and you don’t care about what they’re personality is, as long as they’re ‘Hot’ you’re happy. You crave that physical connection from the moment you see them, despite the consequences, or in other words, you’re just trying to get into each other’s pants.

When you’re in love with someone emotionally you have those deep talks, the laughs, and you would know each other on a more personal level. Even if you guys are just texting you would be able to know her emotions from her texts alone, when she’s sad when she’s happy. You wouldn’t need to see each other face to face to know how the other person is feeling.

Let me tell you one thing, Love is a very delicate thing, think of a piece of thread, a single piece of thread is strong enough to hold two pieces of fabric together, but it’s weak enough to break when those two pieces of fabric are pulled apart.

Love is like that piece of thread, it’s strong enough to hold two people together, but over time when those two people drift apart it breaks. Love isn’t about physical attraction, you could be the most beautiful person in the world but have the personality of a brick wall, heck I could have a better conversation with a break wall than them.

And if we think about it on a more… intimate level, then love is more than just sex. You can get that anywhere, anytime, from anyone. But that’s not love, that’s just a one-night stand. My point is if you love her because of her looks or her… assets, then you’re not in love with her.

You need to be able to build that trust, compassion, and respect with one another first, once you’ve passed that stage then maybe take it to the next level, but of course wait until you’re both ready don’t just jump into it and hope for the best, I know some of the stuff you read but even they won’t help you if it’s your first time,” he winked making my face heat up.

“So do you understand it better now?” he asked.

“Definitely,” I replied.

“And I’m not physically attracted to her, I don’t care what she looks like, yes, I admit she’s beautiful but that’s not why I’m attracted to her. I’m attracted to her because when I’m around her I feel like I’m more myself, I finally have someone who shares the same interests as me and I know I can talk to her about anything!

I know that I can go to her whenever I’m down and she’ll always find a way to cheer me up. And don’t get me started on when she’s upset, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just get so angry over the fact that I’m not there to help her. I feel this unbelievable need to protect her even though I know she’s capable of fighting her own battles and she does.

It actually upsets me when she’s hard on herself because I know how hard she works and how kind she is, she’s the purest soul and doesn’t deserve half of the shit she goes through even though I know she doesn’t tell me stuff, and I know she doesn’t tell me because she doesn’t want to worry me, but still, I can tell.

I know that when she’s upset, she’s really quiet and hides it behind a smile before she breaks down, and once she does, she apologises. I know when she’s stressed, she rubs the back of her neck, plays with her hair, slumps in her chair, and procrastinates before getting the work done in an hour, then she gets excited and says how she should’ve done it before and that her worrying was pointless and it was super easy. It’s adorable and annoying because she does it every time!” I chuckle.

I look up at my brother whose giving me a creepy smile.

“What’s wrong with your face? Stop that!” I tell him.

“My little brother is in love,” he squealed like a schoolgirl.

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes! You perfectly described everything and I’m so happy your first ever love isn’t some one-night stand and it’s something real,” he ruffled my hair.

“So when exactly did you know you were in love?” I asked.

“When I met Aneko, before that it was all physical. I remember meeting Aneko for the first time and we were enemies, she was the first girl to join our band and we used to clash like titans, especially because I play bass and she plays the drums,” he laughed.

“But then our arguing got so bad that our band members locked us up in one of the rooms of the studio we were playing in an hour before our gig, that’s when we bonded and learnt we have a lot more in common than we thought, slowly we became friends and then I found out I was in love with her.

Like you I was also super confused over these feelings I had, so I asked Mum and she said the same thing to me that I told you, and when I gave a similar reply to the one you gave me, she smiled and told me that I was in love with her, I was scared but excited at the same time. You have no idea how relieved I was to find out that she felt the same way about me,” he chuckled at the memory.

“Do you think Ichigo feels the same way about me?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, for sure,” my brother nodded.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because from the first time I met her, I could tell, besides I could see the way she looked at you, they certainly weren’t subtle I could tell you that much,” he laughed.

“How did she look at me?” I asked.

“That same way Aneko looks at me, the same way Mum looks at Dad, the same way Juliet looked at Romeo, how many more examples do you need?” he asked.

I laughed.

“No seriously how many? I’ve got a whole list,” he shrugged.

“How about you email me the list and I’ll take some time from my day to read over them,” I told him.

“Yeah, that works too,” he nods.

We both look at each other for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.

“So, when do you think would be the best time to tell her how I feel?” I asked.

“Whenever you’re ready, but make sure to do it face to face and not over the phone, that way she’ll be able to see your emotions as you’re telling her,” he tells me.

“Yeah, okay,” I nod.

I’m going to do it soon, real soon, in fact, I know just when to do it!