IX. because you talked to me

Izumi showed up at the rooftop despite having blocked me less than fifteen minutes ago. He sat next to Kenji without looking at me. "Good day, Izumi-sama," I greeted. "Today's feast consists of onigiri. The ones with cat ears have plums. The rest have tuna."

I took the lid off the container. 

I hadn't seen Hanamura at all after the morning encounter.

(I may or may not have made a few extra.)

Izumi hated tuna, so he took one of the plum ones. On top of being cat-shaped, they had eyes, whiskers, and a nose made with dried algae. I took the time to do this because I knew it'd piss him off. "I told Hoshi to bring drinks," he announced, between bites. He made no comment on the kitty onigiri because he knew I'd done so to piss him off. 

(Would Hanamura have liked them?)

Kenji chose the ones that didn't look like they'd been made by and for elementary schoolers. He hadn't asked about Hanamura again. Other groups of students sat at different points of the rooftop, though they tended to leave when it was sunny; the bit of shade next to the door was ours. 

Hoshino showed up soon, drinks in hand—green tea for Kenji, lemon soda for me, water for Izumi, strawberry milk for herself. I'd literally never seen her order anything else from the vending machine. "Sorry I'm la—oh!" She knelt next to the container. Hoshino gawked at it, not unlike the way she did after I called out her lack of coupley behaviors with Izumi. "...Watanabe-kun, did you make these?"

I nodded. 

"How...? Why?"

"I looked up a tutorial. Why not?"

Hoshino whipped out her phone. She spam tapped it. One, two, three, a dozen pictures of the kitty onigiri. Well, fuck. "They're so cute they're so cute I love them they—" She stopped. 

For the first time today, Izumi smiled. He attempted to hide this by sipping on his drink. Kenji stared at her, wide-eyed. My expression probably resembled his. Such was the nature of diverting from whatever script you chose to follow.

"...they're cute. Very nice. Can I send pictures of it to my friends?"

"Feel... free," I replied. 

Hoshino sat next to Izumi, who had to put down his drink, for he lost it; as he laughed, she swatted his head. She called him an asshole (with slightly kinder terms) as though she meant it.

To me, less than an audience member jeering when an actor fell onstage, Izumi more closely resembled someone holding up a sign with the lines behind the curtain during a play. It was the first time I saw them like this. Perhaps the crack I'd inflicted on them earlier ran deeper than intended. Still though, it'd been true: up until now, I'd always thought they acted like business partners more than a couple. 

Bullying aside, Hoshino wasn't acting much different than usual. I'd half-expected her to avoid me or something. Or... anything?

Will you tell Yamazaki about this?

Had she? 

I still wasn't able to tell why I'd lashed out earlier. That was the problem with living mechanically: the moment you stopped, you noticed the missing screw, the need for oil, the way a spring at the back creaked just a little bit more than it used to. Then, the more you tried to fix it, the more everything fell apart.

No, thank you.

***

"Stalker-chan."

She didn't answer. I'd seen her lurk around, though. 

At the distance, thunder boomed. "Hello?"

Had I seen her lurk around?

"Hanamura?"

Maybe?

I'd walked to the same place I had two days ago, thinking, stupidly, that I'd be able to draw her out again. Instead, I seemed to be talking to the storm clouds. School had ended. I should've gone straight to the theater to prepare for my role as a villainous crossdresser. Kenji, Izumi and his girlfriend had gone back to their script, but it felt as though I'd lost mine. 

"...fine."

Maybe not. As I made my way back, I looked out for a crash, hustling footsteps, a flash of strawberry blond near the corner. Nothing.

As I headed towards the school entrance, it began to rain. 

Hanamura stood under the building's gate. As other students walked past her, she jerked to the side more, more, until she almost touched the glass pane. Most of them had umbrellas. All of them had someone to talk to. 

I wouldn't have had to mask my horrible mood for most of the school day if it weren't for her, and I was petty.

I wouldn't have had to care. 

Who lied, Hoshino or her, or me?

I took the umbrella out of my backpack. As she stumbled against the glass pane, I opened it. The one she'd lost had been blue. This one was yellow. I'd chosen it because it was the only one left at the convenience store. "Take it," I told her.

Hanamura turned around immediately so that her back faced me.

"...or not. Alas, I'd even brought you some kitty onigiri."

Her braid was a disaster. She tossed it above her shoulder, no doubt to play with it instead of fixing it. After a moment, she asked, "Why are you still talking to me?"

So this was the fourth Hanamura. Time to be the third. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Huh?" 

"Do you hate me, too?"

She glanced at me from the corners of her eyes. "Why would I..."

"Is it because I'm using modesty shorts? I can take them off."

After a moment, she smiled. I returned it. 

I closed the umbrella. 

I didn't get it. 

She said, "I thought that..."

I listened.

"...but you were hanging out with Yuki in the morning. I saw you."

Who. 

"Hoshino Yuki."

"Oh, her." So she hadn't followed me after school. Presumably. "Who cares."

"She cares."

"Nobody important, then. She's just my friend's girlfriend, that's it. And... well, we're in the same club, I guess." I moved to the side so people would be able to freely pass by. While I stood next to her side, I faced the opposite direction. While Hanamura looked at the wall, I watched schoolmates pass by. Idly, I twirled the umbrella to one side, then the other. 

"Ah, yeah, the theater thingy. I r—" She shut up.

"...do continue?"

She tried, in vain, to hide the blush by brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. 

"Hanamura?"

"I just wanted to see if you were in any clubs."

"Uh."

"And I was going to leave after I found out which one you're in, but then I saw you arguing with, um, I don't remember her name, but I thought it was funny. Why do you want to be a queen?"

Since we both knew she'd been following me yesterday, I couldn't really find a reason for her to lose her cool like this, unless... "Until when did you stalk me yesterday?" I asked.

She looked out the glass pane now, away from me. "I left after that. Promise."

...so she hadn't seen Hoshino and I walk out together. Or she lied. But then she wouldn't have done that stupid skit this morning, right? Or this... whatever it was? Did I even want to know? "Anyway, I've been the antagonist literally every single time since... well, every single time there was one... since I joined that club."

"Huh. Why?"

"Because I like to?" I shrugged.

"Crossdressing?"

"No, you..." Now that I'd said it out loud, the whole thing felt silly. I couldn't shrug again, though. It certainly didn't help that Hanamura finally looked back at me, and it was to smirk. Great, now there was a fifth one. "...weirdo."

"There's nothing wrong with that, though, I think. Crossdressing and stuff. For theater. Maybe. Or movies? Actors do it all the time is what I mean."

"I guess."

"You guess?"

"I mean, there's nothing... wrong with it, sure, but it's... kind of hard to explain."

A couple of classmates waved as they passed by, so I waved back with my free hand. They often practiced the art of sitting down during gym as well. Hanamura waited for them to leave to talk again. "If you think it's weird, why are you doing it?"

"I'm... not sure?"

"Oh!"

"What?"

"Nothing. Um. Okay, never mind, it's not nothing. It's the first time you answer like that."

"Like what? In Japanese?"

"No—see?" She pointed at me. "You always answer like that!"

"Pointing is rude."

"Exactly!" She stopped, though. Hanamura didn't look away. Of course, I held her gaze. She wasn't blinking. Did she think it was a contest? Pettily, I did the same, until my eyes began to water. She bit the snort until she couldn't anymore. "See?"

I wiped them, grimacing. "I—"

"You were about to say 'I can't right now', weren't you?"

Yes. "No."

"Yes." No.

"I'm leaving."

"Hi, leaving, I'm Wakumi."

It was so unfathomably stupid I could've and should've left, or cringed, or stabbed her with the umbrella; when I came to, I'd swatted her back with it instead. Hanamura giggled again—never laughed, it seemed—before turning to face the same direction as me. "You're not funny," I told her.

"No. I'm Wakumi."

"STOP. Why are you torturing me like this?"

"Because you talked to me again. Hey, shouldn't you be at the theater thingy?"

If only people were like pages in a book: readable, monochrome, concrete. "Why did you try to avoid me earlier?" I asked. "I'll leave after this, I just—need to know." I almost brought the Hoshino thing up. I wished I could stop caring about it.

Hanamura twirled her braid a couple of times before answering. "I thought Yuki had, um... convinced you? It's hard to explain. Tomorrow, maybe?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

A couple I couldn't recognize stood next to us, though if the rain drowned their dialogue, I supposed the same happened to us, too. It was easier to talk this way, colorfully, below the gray rain that swallowed words as soon as they were born. "Same place, same time?" I suggested. Hanamura nodded. "Nice. Then I'll take some toast."

Her eyes practically sparkled. "Please do!"

Suspicious reaction, but I would, since she'd asked so nicely.

In the end, she took the umbrella and the kitty onigiri. I got scolded for being late. Hoshino acted as though today and yesterday never happened, and Okamoto got on stage to do a preliminary audition. To sit down and listen was my worst mistake.