VIII. a trolley dilemma

Ah, to find myself in a trolley dilemma of all things: if Kenji were to join Hanamura and I on our journey to school, the inevitable influx of (negative) attention would tear him apart; if I were to ditch her and go with him, it'd render my earlier epiphany meaningless; if I were to ditch him and go with her, what kind of friend would I be? So I chose for it to run me over, too. 

He stood at the same corner as usual, scrolling down his phone. Until he tore his eyes off it, Kenji remained unaware of the unfamiliar presence, which was why he jumped when he saw her. "Shit," he said, like one did when greeting strangers. "Saku. Uh. Um. Are you actually dating?"

Hanamura toyed with her braid, looking away. "She lifted her skirt at me earlier, actually," I replied. 

"Wow."

Why didn't she react? No 'it wasn't like that!' or a slap or even an 'idiot'. Weird. I Should've known, honestly. "Anyway, Hanamura, this is Ke... uh, Aizawa. Aizawa, this is Hanamura. She likes eating with her hands. He likes manga where a lot of people die."

Kenji scowled at me.

Hanamura didn't. She did nothing at all. 

...oh, well, whatever. "You guys can come along once you remember how to speak."

"S-sorry, sorry. I'm Aizawa Kenji. I know your name already, so. Yeah. Nice to meet you."

"Hello, Aizawa-san. Since you know my name already I think that saying it again would be redundant, so I won't. Nice to meet you. Yeah."

I walked. they followed. Neither Kenji nor Hanamura spoke again. I didn't know what I'd expected, but I should've expected nothing. On his end—an initiative. On her end—consistency. 

"...so." That was Kenji.

"Yes?" That was me.

"No. Nothing."

As alleys became streets and stores began to replace gardens, more and more students took over the landscape. It wouldn't take long for the trolley to each its destination. Which? Wished I knew. It'd just let it run and see. "If you're uncomfortable about me being here, I can go," said Hanamura. It wasn't as though literally everyone around us looked this way, but it probably felt that way to them. Was I being cruel? To whom? "...yeah, I'll just go. Goodbye, Aizawa-san. See you later, Wata... Saku?"

I glanced at Kenji, who kept adjusting his glasses. He slouched often, but it seemed worse than usual right now. Hanamura didn't look much better. I held back a sigh. "See you later, Hanakumi."

"Huh? Oh, because I mixed your name." At least it made her smile. Hanamura lifted her hand as if to wave, desisted of the idea, bowed, then sprinted away. I waved at her general direction anyway.

It would've been nice if...

I couldn't hold back the sigh this time, perhaps due to not knowing what caused it. All I knew was that, whether it'd been an act or a glimpse of lucidity, I wouldn't be able to forget the way she said do you hate me, too? anytime soon.

It wasn't until Kenji tapped my shoulder that I snapped out of it. While I jumped, he said, "Sorry. I was, uh. I was just telling you that you can go with her if you want. I don't mind."

"Ugh. Don't start."

"Start what? I'm just saying. Girlfriends should get priority."

"Oh, because you're so experienced with women." I caught Kenji wincing as I resumed my walk. Sooner than later, he caught up with me. 

"Hey, Saku, are you m—"

"No!"

"Sheesh."

Quickly, I cleared my throat the same way I'd raised my voice: without thinking. So much for 'not being mad'. I wasn't, though I had to admit that to get the same question twice by two different people within a half hour period got on my nerves. Since I'd screamed less times outside of the stage or home than there had been mass extinctions, Kenji didn't do so much as peep after that. 

When we met Izumi—by himself—at the entrance to his class, he looked at me, then at Kenji, then back at me; I averted my gaze before I could stop myself. "Well, shit," he greeted. "I feel like I'll regret asking, but what happened between you two?" 

After it became apparent that Kenji expected me to explain, I replied, "I couldn't stand it anymore." They looked at me, awaiting the rest. "I couldn't. It was too much. I had to confess my f—"

"Yeah. No. Kenji, please explain. You can be serious every now and then, unlike this buffoon."

"Sorry," Kenji told me. 

Izumi raised his eyebrows (probably. I seldom saw them behind the light brown mushroom he had for hair). "Sorry for...?"

"Um. Please give me some time to. To consider it."

I covered my mouth with my hands, intentionally this time. "Seriously? Ohmygosh, thank you, Kenji-sama!"

Kenji held bit back the snort. Izumi couldn't hold back the homicidal intent. Fortunately, Hoshino came to the rescue. Her home classroom was a floor below, but she came to greet us here if she couldn't find us at the entrance. "Am I interrupting?" She asked. Hoshino looked right at me then; I returned the favor. 

"Nope," I replied. "All done. You might have to deal with Kenji-sama and I smooching the same way you and Izumi do all the time."

Hoshino's eyes widened. As time around her froze, a couple classmates walked by, giggling. Izumi didn't fare much better, for he blushed; his homicidal intent quadrupled. Kenji elbowed me. "Cut it out," he mumbled. Still, he wouldn't have followed along had he still been afraid of me, so there was that, and that was good.

"I..." Hoshino trailed off. She shut her eyes close. The closest I'd seen to her losing her cool had been yesterday when she had a Freudian slip, so this was surreal, to say the list. "It's... I... it's not my fault he never wants to do anything!" 

She broke off running.

"Oh," Kenji said.

"Oh," Izumi said.

"Oh," I said. "Wait—go chase her, you dumb fuck."

Izumi shrank into himself. Was he acting? I'd been kidding, holy shit. They never even held hands in public. "I... um. It's getting late. I'm heading inside now."

"Seriously?"

He gave me the finger. As Izumi fled into his classroom, he mumbled, "I knew I'd regret this," which would've been funny had I not been too baffled to react. Kenji and I exchanged glances. I shrugged. He shrugged. Then we went our own way.

We sat together near the front of the class, as usual. 

I had to share my textbook with him because he forgot his own, as usual. 

I supposed I'd touched a nerve. Oh, well. None of my business.

Kenji wrote the following on my notebook during literature class: i know you were kidding but I have to ask

I wasn't actually confessing to you, I penned before he could finish.

"Oh, okay," he whispered. "Just wanted to make sure."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"It's okay. So... about before... uh..." He wrote: do you have a girlfriend or not

"No."

so hanamura's just your friend?

"Yes." I felt strange to call her such, though, as though I were an imposter. 

then can you help me talk to her again? 

I had to look at him. Kenji fiddled with his glasses again. No way. He actually meant it. "You..."

she had a pin on her backpack from a series I really like

"...well. Wow. Sure."

Kenji grinned. I didn't. Couldn't. Couldn't even understand why I'd raised my voice before. Couldn't tell whether Hoshino's outburst had been real or not. What was I even able to do then? Nothing?

***

Izumi texted me minutes before lunch break. Just to be 100% sure, you and Kenji were kidding, right? 

To which I replied: Yes. I have a girlfriend.

To which Izumi asked: ??? You do?

To which I replied: Yes. My dad says I should stop force feeding her during breakfast, that she’s just a body pillow, that I should get the help I need, but I ignore him. I’m glad you understand.

I got blocked.