A Somewhat Idyllic School Life

I dreamed about my mother last night.

She was right in front of me, saying something that I couldn't hear, and reaching out her hand toward me. I tried to run toward her, but something was grabbing at my waist, pulling me back with a strong grasp, and I struggled, and I screamed, but she got further and further away, and then I woke up. It was 3:30 in the morning.

I couldn't go back to sleep after that. My mind was racing too much. I made myself a cup of coffee and just sat on the couch, looking out the window until the sun rose. I didn't have anything to read or do- I was too caught up thinking about Mom...and Sakuta.

I don't have any siblings- the sperm donor who gave me half my DNA made sure of that by running off before I was born. Mom was so distraught that the man she loved turned out to be a deadbeat that she never dated again. Even if she wanted to, I don't think she would have had time for it. She was spending every waking moment taking care of me.

Sometimes I wonder...if I had a brother, what would he be like?

He would have to be somewhat like me, because he would share the same parents as me, but at the same time, since he'd be a guy, he'd be different. I sometimes think about it. He'd probably be very straightforward, an introvert who doesn't like people, intelligent but quiet. It would probably take ages to earn his trust, but when someone does, he'd be the most loyal person you'd ever met. Not trying to talk myself up- these are some of the qualities that Mom had. Except for the introvert part. That's me. Mom was bubbly and always happy to meet people. For me, I get tired after interacting with people I don't like.

...Come to think of it, the brother I imagined sounds a lot like Sakuta-

"Heeeeeeeeey, Hanabin!"

"Huh?" My daydream shattered, I look up from my desk to see a short girl in the same navy sailor uniform as me, with two twintails protruding from the side of her head, her hands gripping the front of my desk as she leans over toward me, one foot coming up in the air.

"You can't be spacin' out when there's important matters being discussed!" the girl says dramatically, leaning even closer to me.

That's Anzu Sawanobori, who I guess might be called my best friend. To be honest, I don't even know how I have friends, considering I don't like people 99% of the time.

We're in between first and second period, and like every break, the classroom is buzzing as students cluster up in their normal groups to talk about this or that. The atmosphere in my homeroom has changed recently. It seems like it's gotten more tense- of course, I understand. Entrance exams and graduation are right around the corner. Everyone's hunkering down and working hard for the test that will make or break our lives.

Well...not like it matters to me.

"What's so important?"

"Miharu was saying that a kangaroo would win in a fight with a bear and I said that it was the dumbest thing I had ever heard and then everyone started ganging up on me!" She's almost on the verge of tears.

"That's what you're so worked up about?"

"Hanabin, you're the smartest person I know...please help me! I'm right, aren't I?"

"I'm not sure..." I kinda want to stay out of this. The girls in my class tend to get really heated about things that aren't important in the long run. Like TV shows, and hypothetical animal fights...and love.

"Please tell me I'm right!"

"Well, kangaroos can disembowel people with a kick, and bears won't go after anything that's too much trouble...so honestly, I think Miharu's right. The bear would run away."

Anzu looks back at me with an expression of utter shock. See, this is why I didn't want to share my opinion.

"Hey, Hanabi..." I hear a male voice from behind me. "Here's that CD you lent me- Sawa-chan? Why do you look so mad?"

That's Takahiro Nagamine, one of my other classmates- a tall guy with an easygoing personality that everyone seems to love. He's on the basketball team and pretty athletic, so it's no wonder he's popular- and he's got good grades and knows how to speak French and play the piano. He's like a combination of every trait that girls go head-over-heels for...well, every girl except for me.

I was so shocked when he confessed to me in my second year that I had no idea how to respond to it, and I just said yes out of the blue. He had his pick of all the girls- I swear half the grade had a crush on him- and it was me, the quiet bookworm who didn't join the Seishin elevator school system until high school, that he chose.

I still feel bad about it. He was trying so hard to make it work and putting all his effort into trying to please me, but our relationship petered out because I just wasn't interested in him. It was the same way with my very first boyfriend I had as a first-year. I used to be in the student council, on the bookkeeping committee, until I resigned as all third-years do. After a few months of being a recruit and doing low-level grunt work, an older student confessed to me. He was a really polite guy with the sort of achievements that traditionally-minded mothers would go nuts over- but he was just so dull. I'm sure that now he's well on his way to finding a wife that's as boring as he is and having 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. But that wife won’t be me.

I was sure that the girls at school were going to get jealous of me and hate me for dating Takahiro, and get even more jealous that I dumped him. And even more jealous since we're still friends. Sort of. But nobody seems to mind. I mean, I don't hate him, and I don't want to shun him and cut all contact with him forever. He's just not someone I have any romantic feelings toward.

"Because I said a bear would win a fight with a kangaroo and nobody else agreed with me!" Anzu's expression resembles an angry cat. "Honoka and Hitomi said I was stupid! Even Hanabin thought I was wrong!"

"Well, yeah, when everyone but you says you're wrong, you're probably wrong..." Takahiro's clearly unimpressed.

"No, you're not! Have you ever heard of not jumping off a bridge if everyone else did? 'First they came for the-'...uh...I forget who they came for first...but anyways, just because everyone else disagrees doesn't mean you're wrong!"

"I'm like 99% sure you're wrong."

Anzu sticks her nose in the air and stomps off with a frustrated expression, leaving me and my ex alone.

"She's a handful, isn't she?" Takahiro laughs in the way that you do when something isn't really that funny but you want to break the tension. "Anyway, like I said, I wanted to give you back this CD I borrowed, since I didn't get the chance to before homeroom...I'd never heard of this band before, but they were really good! Do you have anything else by them?" His eyes sparkle like a puppy seeing a treat.

Oh yeah, he loves music from the 70s and 80s and 90s. I remember him telling me about it back when we were together.

"No...I think this is their only album and they broke up in 1982 or something." I take the yellowed case back from him, slipping it back into my bag. I've never listened to this CD, or any of the others that are sitting in a box in my apartment's closet- they were my mom's. I'm not really into music. Takahiro is, so I don't have an issue with letting him borrow Mom's collection.

"Uh, listen-" He suddenly turns bashful, looking away for a bit and turning slightly pink on his cheeks. "I know we've both been busy lately, but I'd like to hang out again...if it's alright with you."

I don't have the heart to tell him that I haven't been busy. He's been grinding it out for entrance exams. I haven't.

I sigh and look toward the window wistfully. "Sorry, Takahiro-kun. I don't think I'll have the time."

He looks genuinely hurt for a second, then says softly. "Oh, I see. Good luck on your entrance exams."

"Thanks."

Once again, I've lied to him.

The door slides open, and I'm expecting to see Tomura-sensei, who teaches English, but instead my homeroom teacher Matsunaka-sensei walks through the door. That's odd. And he's heading straight toward my desk. Takahiro notices, too, and looks kind of confused.

"Hashigami? Are you busy right now?" He casts a quizzical gaze down at me.

"Not really."

"Can you come to the teachers' office with me real quickly?"

Takahiro gives the teacher a confused look, but I stand up and follow. The walk to the office is short. As Matsunaka-sensei closes the door behind him, I relax in the cool air in the teachers' office. It's empty at this point in the day except for us.

"Sorry, what did you need me for?"

"Real quick. It's about the career choices survey you filled out last month." Reclining in his chair, he produces a sheet of paper with my name written at the top and three empty boxes, one underneath the other. "I was going back and checking them, and yours is blank for some reason."

"...I forgot to fill it out."

I didn't forget. But I can't tell him the real reason. I just can't. Not to him, not to Sakuta, not to anyone.

Matsunaka-sensei looks confused, but turns back to his desk. "I'll fill it out. You're going to college, right? What entrance exams are you taking?"

"I'm not taking any."

His pen, descending toward the paper to eagerly jot down all the names of the high-level schools I should be thinking about going to, stops in midair. It's silent for a second as he stares blankly toward the paper, then slowly turns back to me.

"Can you repeat that?"

"I'm not taking any entrance exams."

He sits there for a second, slowly taking his glasses off and wiping them on his shirt. "Hashigami, you're not going to college?"

I silently shake my head.

"I don't understand..." he mumbles. "With your grades, you could go to Todai, or Keio, or Waseda...you wouldn't even have to take the entrance exam for Immaculata University down in Chiba. We'd give you a recommendation letter."

"I...don't have any need for it."

He fixes his gaze on me. "Are you sure that this is what you want to do?"

"Yes."

"I hope you change your mind, Hashigami. I hope you change your mind."

The last thing I see as I leave is him shaking his head slowly.

School passes by in a blur, just like it does every other day, until I'm back in my apartment, taking off my shoes and slinging my bag over the back of a chair.

I check my phone. No new messages today. The last one I got was from the group chat with me and Honoka and Anzu and Hitomi and Miharu. My personal LIME account is pretty quiet. I don’t really message anyone on it, so that’s to be expected. But my Kurokami account doesn’t have any new messages, either. I don't know why, but I was expecting a message from Sakuta today. I'm a little sad that I didn't get one.

I wonder how he's doing today? Still trying to get the word out there about his novel?

A knock on my door suddenly interrupts me. Cautiously, I open it, with the chain blocking the door from opening the whole way. On the other side is Mukojima-san, the landlady, a matronly middle-aged woman holding a glass container with some sort of food in it.

"Good afternoon, Hanabi-san," she says politely. "I just made dinner, and I made a few too many fried shrimp, so I thought I'd bring you some."

She knew my mom, which is part of the reason why I've been able to rent this apartment in the first place.

"Thank you for the offer, but I'm fine-"

"No, really, I insist." She sticks the container out toward me. "You've been studying so hard recently...it's the least I can do to help."

"...Thank you." I can't tell her, either.

"Good luck on your entrance exams!" She departs with a friendly wave.

I close the door before putting the food in the refrigerator. I'm going to feel guilty eating it.

Just like every other day, I don't go to my room to study. Instead, I flop down on my bed and sigh.

"Why can't they understand?" I say to no one in particular.

Mom remains silent, smiling.