Can't Keep My Mind Off You

I don't think it's possible for me to be any more out of place than I am here.

The semi-finalist novels are announced tonight. I've been more on edge than usual. For the past two and a half weeks or so, I've been wading through a sea of contest entries- skimming through them, rapid-fire clicking the like button, leaving complimentary comments that I don't really mean. I really hope I did enough. This time, when I say that there's nothing left for me to do, I mean it. It's all in the hands of the judges now.

As of now, my novel sits at 7,652 views and 835 favorites, charting at a solid 287th on the weekly popularity rankings. A lot of people might think those numbers are amazing. I know the me from when I started writing YuuSai would be blown away by that. But right now, I'm not satisfied, even with those stats. I have competition that's got tens of thousands of views. Those are the novels that I have to beat if I ever want to be able to leave my crappy apartment and the Kyoudai Mart behind, and make something of my life.

Hashigami said that she believes in YuuSai, and believes in me. And so do the 835 people who favorited the novel. But even all their support can't help me from feeling nervous. I mean, what happens if I fall at the first hurdle? Not just for me, but after everything Hashigami has done to support me...what if I don't pay her back for all her time and effort? What does it say about me if even personal coaching from Seigo Kurokami doesn't help me succeed?

I've kinda been forcing myself to keep busy all of today in order to not focus on the contest, because every time I have a second to stop and think, I start thinking about the contest, and then I start thinking about what will happen if I don't make the semi-finals, and then my head starts spinning and my legs turn to jelly and I have to sit down before I collapse. So my hyperactive, nervous mind somehow came up with the idea that I could distract myself by going out and getting Hashigami a Christmas present, since I'm working a late shift tonight. Since, you know- after she's sacrificed so much of her own time and energy to help me, the least I could do is get her a token of gratitude in response.

I didn't realize the obvious implications of a guy getting a girl a Christmas present, and the even more obvious fact that I don't have the money to get her anything, until I got off the bus downtown and stepped through the front doors of the Umeno Department Store.

First off, I'm not exactly in the scenic part of downtown. I don't think we have a scenic part. Sure, we have the pyramid and the pier, but the local tourism council massively overestimates how many people want to come and see a park, a beach, and a dock that are all covered in snow 90% of the year. The buildings are all plaster boxes from the sixties and seventies, in white, beige, blue, and every other pale neutral color, some with rusty streaks running down the sides like open wounds thanks to years and years of snow, ice, and salt, all crammed tighter than passengers on a train during rush hour.

In other places, they dream of a white Christmas. In Aomori, we dream of a green Christmas. Once again, the city streets are soaked with that ugly gray slush that's the result of snowmelt mixed with road salt and tire tracks. It matches the color of the dreary sky. It's most likely going to snow again today.

Second, we're not exactly on the cutting edge of fashion. We have maybe two department stores in the entire city, and it's not like you're going to find Pr*da and Ch*nel handbags there. This isn't Tokyo. Our stores sell books and TVs and mattresses instead.

Even this comparatively meager selection of clothes and accessories are way too expensive for me. I brush against a three-tiered rack of shoes and knock a high-heeled shoe to the floor- when I pick it up, the tag on the bottom says ¥8,950. That's almost my grocery budget for an entire month. It's enough to make me queasy.

I've been wandering aimlessly around the ladies' clothing section for what seems like days, and I'm in over my head. Number one, everything is way too expensive, even the sale items. Number two, I'm not a woman, so I have no idea what sort of gifts women like. Number three, I have no idea what Hashigami in particular likes, other than Elves Chronicle, and that merchandise is all discontinued and expensive because the manga's over ten years old. So that's out of the question. Number four, I have absolutely zero clue what sort of gift would make her think I'm a creep so that I can avoid it (except for underwear- I'm not that clueless). Maybe any gift would come across as creepy.

I pass by a table full of costume watches in velvet boxes, stacked one on top of the other with a creased, plastic sign of a jolly Santa Claus advertising a 30% off holiday discount. Even with the so-called "savings", they're still far outside my budget. Yes, I can't afford a ¥3,000 costume watch. Go ahead and call me broke and pathetic. I will if you don't feel like it.

The entire store is decorated with garlands, wreaths, and lights, with soft holiday music filling the air. Despite the clothing racks being so close that the floor feels like a cramped maze and the decor being 20 years out of date, the decorations make the place feel more inviting. I never got the chance to celebrate Christmas with a girlfriend...because I never had one. I was too busy studying. I would look at my classmates on Christmas and Valentine's Day and tell myself that it was fine, because once I passed my entrance exams and graduated from Aodai and got a nice job, I would get a girlfriend and I would take her to the nicest Christmas dinner ever and give her the best present out of anyone in the world. Much better than whatever my classmates were giving their girlfriends. Look how that turned out. Yet another crucial part of growing up that I missed out on.

...Everything is just too expensive. Maybe I should go check out the fruit floor, but even they'll probably be too much-

"Do you need help, sir?"