Chapter 12

It was time to go to bed. Up until now, Sayaka always slept in the futon I bought for her. Tonight, she stood before my bed with her pillow in arms. Her long black hair covered one eye and I couldn't really see her expression.

"Seiji, can I be selfish tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Before I could object, she continued. "I don't mean anything lewd. I just want to sleep in the same bed as you, is that too much?"

I looked up at her. She was fully clothes in her pajamas. The way she held the pillow close to her chest made her look vulnerable. Her eyes pleaded for me to grant her wish.

I sighed.

"Fine. But no funny business."

She smiled gently, and a glimmer returned to her gaze.

"I'll just try one or two things I learned in a magazine."

"Hey, I thought — "

"Joking, joking~"

She jumped onto my bed.

My bed was too large for one person and too small for two. Our shoulders touched. I remember the last time Sayaka snuck into my bed into the middle of the night, she slept with one leg and one arm on my stomach. This time she remained still and silent.

"Seiji."

"What is it?"

"I've caused you a lot of trouble, haven't I? Actually I've caused you nothing but trouble ever since I arrived."

"That's right."

"Hey!" Sayaka pocked my stonach. "You're supposed to say, 'My cute little Sayaka-chan, you're not troublesome at all,' and then pat my head."

"That would be a lie, and I thought women didn't want to be lied to."

"Hmph," Sayaka pouted. She turned to her side and looked directly at me. "Sometimes a woman needs to hear a beautiful lie."

"A beautiful lie..."

"Yes, yes~"

"Ever since you came into my life, I feel that life has been a lot more enjoyable. Weekends aren't so dull anymore, and it's nice knowing that there is someone waiting for me at home when I'm out working. You did cause some trouble, but life comes with its share of troubles one way or another, so there is nothing lost there."

"Is that what you really think?"

"I'm not good at telling beautiful lies, so I prefer to just tell the truth."

"Gezz, you idiot."

”Sorry for being an idiot."

Sayaka crackled with gentle laughter.

"Seiji, close your eyes for a moment."

Even someone like me knew that when a girl made a request like that, it was better to comply than suffer the consequences. But at the same time doing something like this while Sayaka was in my bed seemed like a bad idea.

I closed my eyes.

"For the next sixty seconds, you absolutely cannot open your eyes. No matter what happens, you can't open them. Even if you get stabbed with a knife, you cannot open them, okay?"

"I didn't know you were the yandere type."

"Would you kick me out if I was a yandere?"

"If you were a yandere, I'd be dead before I could kick you out."

"Just don't open your eyes, okay?"

"Yeah, got it."

For the next sixty seconds, I felt Sayaka's hands all over me. She felt my chest, my arms. I felt her move closer, her warm breath against my chest.

"Seiji, put your hands on me. I want you to feel me."

She took my arm and moved it behind her back.

"What are you doing?"

"You're not allowed to resist."

Something was different about her tonight. There was a sense of urgency, like she was trying to hurry.

"Touch me."

Her tone of voice didn't allow me to disobey her, so I felt her back, and with some encouragement from her, my hand travelled past the small of her back and further downwards.

"Pervert."

"H-hey you — "

"Just kidding."

I felt something warm and soft against my lips. I wasn't dense enough to not realize that she was kissing me. I had felt her lips before — on the first day when I brought her back to my apartment as a piece of bread. She had kissed me to prove that she was real.

She forced my mouth open and our tongues met. I could feel her, taste her. Her breathing was ragged, her heart beating fast. A sweet feminine scent travelled up my nose. Her hands travelled under my pajamas and felt my chest.

“Sayaka… "

"Shut up."

"I can't — "

"Sixty seconds aren't over yet. The sixty seconds will be over when I say they are."

"How unreasonable."

But I suppose all women are unreasonable like that when they were with a man they trusted.

Bit by bit, she took off my clothes. I could tell what she wanted.

I took off her clothes.

The entire time we didn't stop kissing.

Her mouth was wet and hungry. Her tongue danced with mine.

She got on top of me. For the first time, I could see her — all of her.

Her expression was that of a woman.

"Sayaka..."

"Seiji." A tear trickled down her cheek. She smiled slightly. It was the saddest smile I've ever seen. "Thank you."

A few hours later I lay in bed with Sayaka next to me. I stared at the ceiling and listened to her soft and steady breathing. She had snuggled against me.

There was just one thing on my mind.

"What did the letter say?" I asked.

Sayaka didn't answer.

I glanced at her and saw that she had fallen asleep.

I suppose I'll just ask her tomorrow.

The next morning I woke up and found that there was no one next to me. Did Sayaka get up early to prepare breakfast?

Since my apartment was so small, I could always hear her cooking from every part of the apartment. The air was completely and utterly still.

I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. There was no one.

I checked the bathroom. It was empty.

"Sayaka?" I called out.

"Sayaka?!"

Maybe she just went out to buy some things at the convenience store. Maybe she forgot to buy eggs yesterday.

I checked the fridge; it was fully stocked.

As I walked around the apartment, I noticed that something else was missing: any trace that Sayaka had ever been here.

The futon I bought was gone. The pajamas were gone. I checked the closet and only my clothes were in there. I checked the bathroom again and her shampoo bottle and toothbrush were gone.

The air was utterly still.

"Sayaka..."

On the kitchen table was a folded piece of paper. It was the letter second year Sayaka gave me. A letter that was specifically addressed third year Sayaka.

I sat down and read the letter. There was only one single sentence written down.

It's time to go home.

That was all there was on there. No greeting, no sign off, no signature. It could barely be considered a letter, but the meaning was abundantly clear.

I sat at the table even though I was supposed to be getting ready for work.

"Sayaka..."

Honestly part of me had expected for this to happen. From the moment I saw her expression when she read the letter, part of me knew; I just refused to recognize that realization.

The apartment was utterly still. An oppressive silence pressed down on me. There was no one here besides me. Somehow the walls felt cold, and all the empty space was devoid of feeling.

I should feel glad that she had returned to her native universe. A high school girl living together with her male teacher was something society couldn't accept anyway. If this leaked out beyond Hina-sensei, then my life would've been ruined.

But....

I looked around myself.

The hum of the fridge, the dripping faucet in the kitchen, the random flickering of the light.

It was back to this world.

I just barely got to work on time. I began teaching the first class without evening putting down my bag. The students noticed that I had rushed to school and teased me for being late.

Sayaka was in this class. She sat in the last row, next to her friend, Tanaka.

While I was teaching the class, I didn't notice anything strange about Sayaka. She seemed completely normal, just like how she was before third year Sayaka came from a parallel universe.

It was as if everything had gone back to normal.

No...everything has gone back to normal.

During lunch, I sat by myself in the office, and Hina-sensei came in. We chatted for a little bit, but she never mentioned Sayaka even once.

Normally that would be the number one conversation topic ever since Hina-sensei found out that Sayaka and I were living together.

It's as if she had forgotten about third year Sayaka.

Or rather, it was as if nothing ever happened.

Like someone had hit the reset button.

Just in case, I checked the calendar. The date hadn't shifted back. I was in the present.

Maybe my reality had simply shifted to the timeline I was supposed to be on anyway; the timeline that would've been reality if third year Sayaka hadn't pushed God into breaking cosmic laws.

This was supposed to be normal reality.

And yet it wasn't, because not everything was the same.

One thing had changed.

And that was me.

My memories of third-year Sayaka were still intact. Everything around me had gone back to normal, but my own existence hadn't reset.

"Do you want to grab a drink with me after work?" Hina-sensei asked me.

"Huh?" I blinked.

I was so deep in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard her.

"Hmm~ You weren't listening to me. Well too bad, maybe next time."

"Oh..."

I think she just asked me if I wanted to go drinking with her, but my mind wasn't ready to respond. Hina-sensei walked away from my desk and chatted with some other colleagues.

I sat at my desk, my mind empty. It felt as if there was a hole in my chest, as though part of me were missing. I didn't need someone to tell me what this feeling was; even someone like me realized where this feeling came from.

She forced God to break cosmic laws, forced herself into my apartment, forced me to let her live with me, and now she was gone, living in a different universe.

Honestly I felt a little angry at her. She came into my life like a storm, and left just as suddenly.

I couldn't help but smile.

Sayaka. What a selfish girl. But she was only selfish in front of me.

After school, I followed Sayaka on her way home.

It was a creepy thing to do, but I just had to know. Was this the real Sayaka?

Or rather: was this the other Sayaka?

Not third year Sayaka. Not second year Sayaka.

Was this the Sayaka who handed me the letter? Was this the Sayaka with the eerie look in her eyes?

The Sayaka who seemed more like a God than a normal high school girl?

Sayaka walked along the same route she took last time, and when she had reached a quiet neighborhood street, she stopped, turned around and looked me directly in the eyes.

This time I didn't try to hide or make excuses, because I could immediately see that this wasn't second year Sayaka, nor third year Sayaka.

This was the other Sayaka.

"Sato-sensei."

She had a gentle, all knowing smile on her lips.

"Sayaka."

"That's me."

"Which Sayaka are you?"

"Since you're asking this question, you must be already know."

I nodded.

"There are some things I need to ask you."

"Hmm~ Sure, sure. Let's go to the park around the corner."

The park was empty, even though elementary school children would play here in the afternoon. It was almost as if someone had willed for this place to become the ideal place to have a secret conversation.

We sat down on a bench.

"Are you real?" I asked.

"You could touch me and find out,” she said. She grinned and crackled with laughter. "Don't worry, I'm real."

"You're not the real Sayaka. Who are you?"

"Hmm, that's easy enough to answer, although I don't know if you will understand everything. I am Sayaka. Yamamoto Sayaka, a good wholesome student at Kimura High. A high school girl who is in love with her homeroom teacher, Sato Seiji. I am a version of second year Sayaka who came into existence the moment third year Sayaka entered this universe. You see, second year Sayaka didn't stop existing when third year Sayaka took my place. Instead, she stayed conscious and observed everything from up above, in a dimension you cannot see. I am the second year Sayaka who spent all this time watching third year Sayaka being selfish."

"Does that mean there are two second year Sayakas now?"

"Oh-ho~ You are rather smart. Why don't you tell me why you think that?"

"The first second year Sayaka is you, the one who observed everything. The second second year Sayaka is the one whose existence had been suspended when third year Sayaka came to this universe. When you talk to me, you are the first Sayaka, and when you are at school talking to your friends, you are the latter. Sayaka's existence was split the moment third year Sayaka disrupted this timeline."

"That's right."

"Then what happened to third year Sayaka?"

"You read the note I wrote, right? She did exactly what I told her to do. She went home to her native universe. I wanted to give her a little more time with you, but the consistency of this universe was crumbling because Hina-sensei kept digging and digging after she caught you two at the park. At the same time, Ayumi was talking to her friends about Sayaka, and there were only so many inconsistencies a single plane of reality could hold before it would crumble, so I told third year Sayaka to go home."

"Is she safe? Is she okay?"

"Ehhhh~ You are more worried about her than me? I'm hurt."

"Just tell me."

"Yes, yes. Third year Sayaka is safe and sound."

“I’m glad…”

That's all I needed to know. I got up and prepared to leave.

The other Sayaka grabbed my sleeve.

"Ehh? Why are you leaving? Don't you want to know why third year Sayaka wanted to come to this universe to begin with?"

I spoke with my back turned to her.

"I think I already know. It wasn't that hard to piece together based on what she said, even though she never told me the whole story."

"Oh-ho~ Go on?"

"I'm dead in her universe. It probably happened quite suddenly, and it must've been random and unfair too. I think that's what made her desperate enough to demand God to break cosmic laws."

"You're smarter than you look."

"Will I die a sudden death in this universe?"

"Who knows? Every universe is a random result of infinite possibilities. Maybe you will die tomorrow. Maybe you will live to a hundred and have a harem of beautiful girls. Maybe you will end up as Prime Minister."

"Then tell me...what should I do now?"

The other Sayaka let go of my sleeve.

"Who knows...that's for you to decide."

I smiled a little, even though there wasn't a single spark of joy in me.

I suppose that was a sign of being an adult.

That was the last conversation I had with the other Sayaka. She never appeared before me again, and I never tried to seek her out. Anytime I talked to Sayaka at school, it was the version of her who had no recollection of what had happened.

For a long time I wondered if this Sayaka at school was real. After all, she was an existence that resulted from third year Sayaka’s actions. And after a long while I figured out that it didn’t matter if she was real or not. She was simply a possibility out of infinite possibilities in an infinite universe. And so was I and everything else around.

I continued to work, and I spent the weekends alone.

I wanted to have someone in my life, and at the same time I wanted to be left alone. Perhaps this was a feeling that only adults could understand.

There were a few times when Hina-sensei asked me out, and I suspected that third year Sayaka’s claim was true: Hina-sensei was romantically interested in me. But I rejected her every time, and eventually she gave up and began to go out with another man.

I had gone back to eating convenience store bentos and instant curry. On my days off I slept in, did the laundry and read books. There were a few times when I thought about calling Hiroshi-senpai, but whenever I picked up the phone, it just felt too tiresome to dial his number. Besides, he was probably busy with his fiancé. He had a woman in his life now.

So I stayed alone.

It was a quiet life. It was the same life I led before third year Sayaka came.

It was a life I was fine with before, but now all of the sudden I felt a hollow echo in me.

One night I stared down at the supermarket katsudon and began to cry. I didn’t want to admit it, but I missed her.

Even the best food tasted plain when there was no one to share it with.

For the first time in my life I realized what it was like to eat alone — what it was like to truly eat alone.

Little by little, I found my heart growing weary, and the world turned grey.

I wondered what third-year Sayaka was doing. She had returned to a world where I was dead. Did she feel lonely? What was she doing? She would’ve graduated from high school by now. Did she get into university? Or maybe she joined the workforce right away.

There were times when second year Sayaka came to my office to talk. She was just like how I remembered her: a good wholesome student. During those times I buried my feelings and put on the mask that all adults put on when their heart was hurting, but they had to maintain their professionalism.

She didn’t see past my mask. She seemed to be happy to talk to me. Sometimes Hina-sensei came in and teased us for hanging out. And every time she did, Sayaka would bush and excuse herself.

Even when I talked to Hina-sensei and the other teachers I put on my mask. We were all quite close to each other, but it was an unspoken agreement among adults who worked together that while we were friendly, we didn’t want to hear about the real problems we kept in our hearts. Everyone had their own problems to deal with, and having to hear about the sorrows of someone else was just too tiresome.

Sometimes I observed the students and noticed that they shared everything. Their joys and sorrows. Hardships and tears. Laugher and dance.

They were children; their hearts were open and innocent.

Perhaps adults couldn’t open up to one another like this because we were no longer innocent.

Somewhere along the way we had to become tough in order to survive in society. To be innocent was to be weak. It was something we had to leave behind.

Maybe Hiroshi-senpai was right. Being an adult meant to endure your own loneliness, no matter what.

Even when you have a girlfriend, even when you are married, even if you have children, there were times when you felt lonely.

But sometimes loneliness was just too much to bear. Everywhere I went, I thought of Sayaka.

The mall. The Uniqlo. The park.

Every time I open the fridge to get a beer.

Only one okay? It’s not healthy for you.

I could hear her voice.

And it was during those times that my heart would break.

The first half of the school year came to an end, and it was around that time that Hiroshi-senpai called me to tell me that the wedding date had been set. I told him that I didn’t have anything to do anyway.

The wedding itself was a nice distraction. After the wedding celebrations, Hiroshi-senpai and I were having a drink in a bar at the hotel the wedding was held at, and he asked me about Sayaka.

I simply told him that she had gone back to live with her parents.

“You got used to having her live with you,” he said.

“You can tell?”

“It’s obvious.”

He patted my shoulders and poured me another shot of whisky. We drank deep into the night, and I woke up with a massive hangover the next day.

Hiroshi-senpai didn’t offer me any words of comfort.

It was as if he knew that any words of comfort would be worthless and insulting. Words were useless in the face of real loneliness.

As a friend, all he could do was pour me a drink to let me know that he understood.

But we were both adults and he was now married; obviously he couldn’t be there for me all the time.

As adults we had to bear the burden in our hearts and keep living no matter what.

I kept living my life like this until the end of the first half of the school year.

It was the last class before the students would start their summer vacation. I stood before the class and told them to have fun over summer, but not to forget that next year they would be exam students, and that’s why it was important for them to do their summer homework. I told them that some teachers would still be at school over the summer, so they'd be welcome to come in and ask us any questions.

Of course no one would come to school over the summer. Summer holiday was the most important part of youth. It was the time when new relationships were formed and memories were made — the memories all of them would fondly look back on once they were adults.

Sayaka was chatting with Tanaka in the last row. Throughout the past few weeks, she had been coming into my office every now and then, but nothing had changed. It seemed to me that Sayaka being in love with me wasn't a part of this universe's narrative; maybe it was unique to the universe third year Sayaka came from.

It was better that way. A student harboring romantic feelings for her teacher was nothing but trouble anyway.

I dismissed the class, and they left the school. Within minutes the classroom was empty and quiet. The corridors were still. The youthful energy that filled this building had disappeared.

Hina-sensei popped her head out of her classroom, which was next to mine.

"I'll never get used to this sudden peace and tranquility the moment summer vacation starts," she said.

"That's true...it does feel strange. Have you got anything planned for summer?"

"Not really. Us newbie teachers still need to attend training courses, and I suppose I will hang out with my boyfriend on weekends."

“Sounds fun.”

Sometimes I felt Hina-sensei's gaze lingering on me. I wondered if she was still interested in me, but she never invited me out. I was rather surprised when she announced that she had started dating another teacher; no one had ever noticed any romantic tension between them. When I asked Hina-sensei why she went out with him, she said that while she didn't feel anything for him at first, she was touched by his earnestness, and decided to give him a chance. They've been together ever since.

Sometimes I wondered what would've happened if I took Hina-sensei up on her invitation. Would we be going out by now? Would my life be different?

It wasn't that I found her unattractive. She was pretty, hard working and gentle. A good modest woman.

I suppose my heart was weary.

Maybe I was still thinking about third year Sayaka.

Hina-sensei moaned about the summer training us newbie teachers had to attend, but deep down I was thankful for the work. At the very least work would distract me from my boredom.

After I had wrapped up everything at the office, I went home. When I opened the door, I muttered, "I'm home," and nobody answered.

Sometimes I hear Sayaka saying, "Welcome back," but that was all in my memories.

I changed into my indoor clothes, turned on the TV, warmed up the convenience store bento, and opened a can of beer.

Just one, okay? It's not healthy for you.

The variety shows seemed dull, and the bento tasted plain. The can of beer was still half full. I turned off the TV, and an oppressive silence hung in the air.

It then occurred to me that us human beings were not meant to live alone. This silence ate us alive and pushed us to find someone we love.

"Sayaka..."

Without noticing I muttered her name.

I couldn't stand sitting alone in this apartment anymore.

I changed into my casual clothes and went outside.

I wandered around the streets without aim. Here and there I saw office workers who were on their way home. None of them would get a summer holiday.

Summer holidays were something that was only found in youth.

The street lights came on. Somehow the individual pools of lights seemed so lonely.

The peaceful neighborhood streets, the hoot of an owl from somewhere, the scent of the evening air.

Eventually I ended up at the same park where I last talked to the other Sayaka.

I sat down on one of the swings. I looked to my side. There was no one there.

The night was utterly still. Not even a single bird, only the moon and the stars up above.

Come to think of it, third year Sayaka told me that she found me in a park at the beginning of summer vacation, broken and alone, and that was how she managed to get my personal LINE. It was from there that she closed the distance between us and got me to see her as a woman.

I looked around myself. Even though third year Sayaka came to this universe and messed up the natural time line, I still somehow ended up here at the beginning of summer vacation.

Maybe the universe self-corrected and pushed this world back onto its original tracks, like an AI correcting errors in its own code.

"I'll just watch a movie and drink myself to sleep."

I didn't care that I still had newbie training tomorrow. At least alcohol would distract me a little.

I got up from the swing.

"Eh, Sato-sensei?"

A voice sounded from behind.

It was a voice I knew well.

"Sato-sensei, what are you doing here?"

I turned around.