Alan- What I Had Forgotten

As the school cultural event approached, our class eagerly prepared for our performance of Romeo and Juliet... but with a delightful twist—a happy ending, where the star-crossed lovers would finally reunite. Iva's proposal of the play surprised me; I had never seen her so enthusiastic about the cultural event before. More than anything, I wonder why she wanted to give Romeo and Juliet the ending they'd never got.

To my even greater surprise, Iva was chosen to play the role of Juliet, and I found myself voted to portray Romeo. Not that I had any objections to playing the part; in fact, I'll have to say, after hearing Sarah, our class president, say Iva's name for Juliet's role, I couldn't help but wish with all my heart to be given that very role.

I know it sounds really selfish. I know it's too late for me to start realizing things I had done wrong or things I've come to regret not doing before. I won't use this realization as an excuse or deceive myself any longer. In the same way that Noah is bravely grappling with his emotions, fully aware of the difficulties he'll face, I'll too confront my feelings head-on.

For now, my utmost effort is directed toward ensuring that she no longer feels compelled to distance herself from me for my sake. I'm trying my best... so that I can keep on staying by her side. And after Noah finds the right words to reach out to Iva again, when she'll finally be able to get over the past haunting her, and start walking ahead again... I'll be sure not to fall behind.

"Hey, Alan, why aren't you asking Iva to go out with you yet?" Sarah asked, sitting in front of a stack of papers, as she sorted through the event plans. Her voice struggled to be heard above the noise of the printing machine.

"Uh... what are you saying?" I mumbled, turning away to grab the papers coming out from the printer one by one before sorting them on the table. "Why do you think that I and-"

"Don't try to dodge my question. Just tell me what I asked."

"I'm not trying to dodge your question. You're just getting-"

"Don't try to fool me, Alan." The second time... she doesn't seem to be in the mood for hearing anything else. "I can tell there's something going on between you two."

I was uncertain about the extent of her awareness, unsure if she knew anything at all. Everyone simply knew that Iva and Noah had shared a profound love for each other. Even now, it's evident that her feelings for him remain unchanged. Yet, the reality is beyond our control. In the time when Noah was present, I felt like a mere observer of the bond they held.

Now, with Noah gone, I'm cautious not to appear as if I'm exploiting the situation, not wanting anyone to assume I'm using his absence as an opportunity to forge a connection with Iva. My intentions are genuine, and I want to be there for her as a friend, supporting her through her hard times.

"What are you even saying? We're just good friends."

Sarah retorted, seeing through my half-hearted response. "Just good friends?"

"Yeah, just good friends."

"Is that so?"

"Does it seem like I'm lying?"

"Actually, yeah, it's quite clear."

Her words rang at the back of my mind, as if she had seen right through my gaze. "What are you saying?"

"Like I said, you're definitely lying."

I couldn't find anything to tell her. I thought I was doing my best so that no one would notice anything. But I guess it's quite hard hiding it from everyone's eyes. "When did you notice it?"

"I don't know... but it's really easy to tell how much you care for her. And she also seems really relaxed when she's with you, especially after Noah left."

"Perhaps you're onto something. I'm not sure. I genuinely do cherish Iva. She means a lot to me as a dear friend."

"Well, then what's holding you back? Why not just open up to her about your feelings?"

"I wish it were that simple."

"Why do you say that?"

"There are things I can't reveal fully. And if I were to express my emotions now, it might appear as though I'm exploiting Noah's absence."

I wasn't looking as I reached for the papers that came out from the printer again, dropping them all on the floor. She got up to help me pick up the papers.

"Are you completely certain about that?" Her gaze bore into mine.

"Yeah. Iva's also been fighting her own battle, trying to come to terms with her own feelings. She loved Noah just that much. And if I come walking up to her now, after all this time..."

"Sounds like you're suggesting it wouldn't be fair to you."

"You can say that. I want her to sort her own feelings, so that we don't come to regret anything in the future."

Sarah burst into laughter, surprising me. "What's so funny?" I asked, feeling confused.

She composed herself before replying, "You're really kind, Alan. Your concern for others is touching."

"Why are you saying that?"

"No, I mean it. You're really a kind person. I'd never thought you cared so deeply about others. I'm really touched."

"Thanks, I guess. But you still shouldn't be laughing like that."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. I must say, you're doing your best. But I don't think you really need to be so hard on yourself."

"But Iva's also trying so hard. How can I be the one to not be doing anything?"

"Alan, it's nice that you're thinking so much for her. I can tell you're doing this for her sake. But have you really ever thought about how Iva feels about all of this?"

"What are you saying? I know how Iva feels about-" I stopped. I don't know why, but saying it aloud got all my thoughts jumbled up. Do I really know how Iva feels? Do I even know anything?

Sarah's gaze didn't waver. "Alan, understanding what someone truly feels about another person is not as simple as it seems. It's not something you can just figure out without taking action. You need to take the first step, reach out to her, and show your feelings. Only then will you have a chance to truly understand how she feels deep down inside?"

Once again, I was flooded with too many thoughts to construct a single word. But finally, I realized something. I'd said it myself, yet I was the one who had long forgotten about it. Those were the same words I'd told Iva a long time ago.

"You'll hurt, you'll get hurt. You'll learn about others, and in turn also learn about yourself too. Is there anything wrong with that?"

“Don't get lost, Alan... you have to give it a try. To find the place that you're wishing for.”

Memories of a moment at the hospital flashed through my mind. That particular day in the hospital... if I hadn't pursued her to the rooftop, if I hadn't stepped forward, called out to her... perhaps I wouldn't have discovered her tears in that secluded spot. Perhaps her pain would have remained hidden from me.

"I'm utterly pathetic." How could I be so foolish? Instead of taking action, I'm merely waiting for Noah again. It's as if I'm lagging far behind them, yet again. I had hoped to catch up to them this time, but here I am, stuck in my own hesitation.