Chapter 28:

He’s a fucking idiot. [0.5 chapter]

Light of my darkest eve

While I’m stewing over my complete mismanagement of my relationship with Taro, I start hearing a low thudding sound come from somewhere.

It starts somewhat quiet, but gets louder and louder until it’s impossible to ignore. Pissed that someone’s interrupting my thoughts, I listen out for the source so I can give ‘em a piece of my mind. But it doesn’t take long to realise…

“Is that… Taro’s room?”

That’s uncharacteristic. Normally I don’t hear a thing from his room. He’s not exactly a party man. What the hell is going?

I leave my room and knock on his door. No answer. In fact, there’s not even a pause in the bangs on the wall. I try the handle but it’s locked.

I run back into my room and grab my lockpicking set. There’s a master keycard in here that I convinced Akane to code for me. This thing is all kinds of illegal so I try to avoid using it as much as possible.

I swipe it on Taro’s door and the lock immediately unlocks. I need to thank Akane for making this thing for me. And also be scared of her intelligence.

Opening the door, the sight I’m met with is worse than I’d ever expected. The sound wasn’t from Taro punching the wall or something. He’s headbutting it. There’s blood everywhere, all spurting from his forehead.

“I have to die I have to die I have to die I have to die..” he’s muttering to himself. What the fuck is happening here?

Whatever it is, I need to stop it. I walk into his room and try to drag him away from the wall, but his legs are surprisingly strong and a full on tackle will probably hurt more than it’ll help.

Plus it seems like he’s gonna keep trying to kill himself no matter what I do.

Fuck it, last resort. I wrap my right arm around his neck and tighten it. Some time ago I learned how to cut off the carotid artery and make them pass out without actually risking death. Safe strangulation, effectively.

His mutters continue to get quieter and quieter until eventually he falls unconscious against my body. I slowly lower him to the ground and look at the wound on his forehead. Thankfully he was doing it against a flat bit of wall instead of a corner, so the damage is entirely blunt force. The forehead is busted open, but not cut. I run back to my room and find my first aid kit, before coming back into Taro’s room. Just a regular plaster might not work, I’ll have to bandage it.

I find the bandages out from the kit and tie one around his head. Blood soaks into it immediately, but between gravity and the bandage he shouldn’t be haemorrhaging blood from here on out.

I put my hand to his chest. Heartbeat still fast but steady. I listen to his breath. Still breathing, doesn’t seem to be having any issues.

Looking at the state of him, I should take him to get medical attention. But I wanna be the first one to beat his ass down once he wakes up.


Looks like he’s starting to stir. I stand up from the corner of the room and look down over him.

This fucking rat.

“Stupid fucking idiot moron! What the fuck was that you crazy fuck!”
“No, shut the fuck up, I’m talking. I hear banging and shit from the wall so I come to check up on you, and what do I find? You slamming your head into the fucking wall muttering to yourself about having to die. What the fuck, Taro? Ten minutes earlier we were having fun on our date, what the actual fuck could have happened in that time to make you pull that shit?”

It’s been a while since I’ve been this fucking angry. What the fuck is this maniac trying to pull?

“I… sorry… I’m trying to remember…”
“Well you better remember quick so I know how hard to beat your ass.”

There better be a good reason for this. A real fucking good reason. If he didn’t look so pathetic in his bloodied state on the floor I’d beat the fucker senseless. Not that there’s an ounce of sense to beat out of him in the first place.

“I… I think I know what happened…”
“Then you better start explaining.”
“R-Right. I think… I think the ghosts were telling me to kill you. And I think I was starting to listen…”
“Then why the hell were you slamming your own head into the wall?”
“Because I didn’t want to do it. I guess… I had just enough of my own will left to know I didn’t want to hurt you. In my fear that I’d lose control, I think I tried to kill myself. I judged it better to die than to risk killing you.”

What? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? This fucking bastard. I lean down and grab his shirt. He’s lucky I’m not wringing his neck.

“You think I need you protecting me, huh? You think I can’t defend myself against you? Hanji, the damsel in distress, needs her knight in blood stained armour? Listen to me now and listen to me close, you fucking cretin. If you ever, ever need to choose between your own life and mine, you choose your own every time, every fucking time, you understand me? I don’t need your protection. Least of all protection from yourself.”
“I can’t promise you that.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I love you.”

…fuck. Fuck. FUCK! This is exactly what I was trying to avoid! Fucking love, stupid fucking ridiculous emotion. What sort of fucking nutjob tried to kill himself over something so asinine. Fucking Christ.

“…I don’t feel the same way.”
“I know.”
“I was only showing you so much affection to manipulate you into staying around.”

“I know.”
“I’m keeping you close for selfish reasons and not because I care about you.”
“I know.”
“Then what the fuck, Taro? How can you love someone who can never love you back? How can you fall for someone you know is using you? How can you care about someone who can’t care about you?”
“Because I don’t care.”

Don’t care? Don’t care? How the fuck can he not care? He fell for a lie, he only feels the way he does because of deceit. That always crushes people. I’ve seen it happen a dozen times before.

“I don’t care if you were just interested in what was wrong with me. When everything was bottled up, you gave me a chance to confide in someone. I don’t care if you just wanted to collect me. When I was at my loneliest point, you gave me a place to belong. I don’t care if you just wanted to keep me close for your own entertainment. When I was feeling my most depressed, you made me enjoy life. And I don’t care if you can never love me. When I felt hated by the world, you showered me in the affection I needed the most, and never used it to hurt me. It doesn’t matter that you’re selfish. It doesn’t matter that you’re manipulative. It doesn’t matter that you don’t care. You’re my hope in a hopeless environment. The beauty in my ugly world. The light in my darkest evening. I love you.”

…oh, I’ve really gone and fucking done it now. He’s not just fallen for me. He’s fallen for me completely unconditionally. He’s not even describing infatuation. I don’t even know what to call this. I’ve never seen this happen before.

Fuck, I need some booze to clear my head. The fuck am I supposed to say to that? I ask him why he’s killing himself and he gives me a fucking fairytale love confession? The fuck do I do from here?

Fuck it, this’ll have to be sorted out tomorrow. I can’t think in these conditions.

This moron. This bastard. This…

“Fucking idiot.”

I walk to the door and open it. I’m halfway out when I turn back to him.

“We’re eating lunch together on the roof again tomorrow. Don’t invite anyone else.”

I slam the door behind me.

What am I feeling? None of this makes sense.

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