Chapter 31:

He deserves better. [0.5 chapter]

Light of my darkest eve

“It’s a miserable state to live in.”

That… didn’t make me feel better at all. I mean, I guess that’s not entirely true. Having the weight off my chest feels good. But as for whatever this crushing feeling is, it’s not changed at all.

What the fuck is causing it? Hell, what even is it? It’s not a feeling I recognise at all.

Anxiety? No, I’d know how that feels. And there’s no trigger, I rarely get anxious without a trigger.

Anger? No, there’s no object of ire. I’m never just angry, I’m always angry at something in particular.

Let me think back through all the emotions I’ve copied from other people. It’s not fear, and it’s certainly not love.

Is it… guilt? Since when do I feel guilt? The closest I ever get is regret when my actions backfire. Why would I suddenly feel guilt now? And for what? What have I even done wrong?

I have no clue what this feeling is, but looking at Taro’s face makes it so much worse. Especially when he looks so dejected and horrified.

Still, why do I feel so bad about this? Normally I feel bad for hurting someone when it means I might not be able to benefit from them anymore. Is that all this is? I’m worried I’ve chased him away by rejecting him and then telling him my fucked up life story?

Would I really feel this shit just because I might lose favour with someone? That’s never happened before, even with Saki. Taro certainly has a lot of value to me, but enough to warrant this? It’s nonsense.

The silence between us is deafening. Of course it would be, what could you say to someone who just told you a story like that?

Well, the one silver lining is that it probably broke his infatuation with me. Who would love the broken girl, especially after she tells you what broke her?

He deserves better than me anyway. Anyone would.

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