I won’t let it out.

Not long after our talk, the lecturer shows up and we’re forced to get to work.

Just as last time, old Churingu hadn’t even finished setting the task before Akane started hammering away at her keyboard. Her understanding of programming never ceases to amaze.

I find it hard to get into the same rhythm, however. There’s quite a lot circling around my mind, and trying to get python to do the one damn thing it was created to do is not helping.

My own feelings for Hanji. Her reputation as a heartbreaker. Her traumatic past and the condition of her older sister. There’s a thousand things to think about, and I’m not certain of what to make of any of them.

I know I want to be there for Hanji, and I know that my feelings for her are real, but as to what to actually do about it… I’m drawing a blank. How do you love someone who can’t love? How do you care for someone who doesn’t care? They’re not easy questions to answer. And maybe the best thing I can do for her is to give my feelings up completely. But whatever it is, I just want to help her in any way I can.

For now, the best thing I can do is give her space and let her work out whatever it is she’s feeling. Following her around or whatever would just seem needy or obsessive. I won’t make the same mistake Saki did.

Realising I’ve been doing nothing but think about my own problems for some twenty minutes, I finally get to typing the code I was supposed to have started 20 minutes ago. It’s a good thing I’m already used to writing For Loops, otherwise I’d never catch up with the workload.

This seems to catch Yosuke’s attention, especially with the fact that I’m dozens of lines of code behind everyone else, but he doesn’t say anything during the session.

I’m unsurprisingly the last to finish, but I do just about manage to complete the assigned tasks before the end of the session.

“You were cutting it close there. Hanji still on your mind?”
“Yeah, you could say that. Still wondering what my best course of action is. I wanna give her space and not smother her, but considering how distraught she seemed yesterday I also wanna be there for her if possible.”

Yosuke and Akane had waited for me to finish my tasks before leaving, and joined me on my walk through the winding halls of the school. As the three of us were all headed for the cafeteria, it made sense to walk together.

“With Hanji you just gotta not overthink things too much. The only time she sends mixed messages is when she’s doing it on purpose to manipulate someone. If she’s running away or avoiding you, it’s best just to leave her be for now.”
“Yeah, I figured as much. Still, doesn’t feel right to do nothing at all.”
“With her, you gotta learn that sometimes nothing is the best thing you can do. An antisocial person doesn’t feel better by socialising. She’s gotta figure shit out on her own for a while.”
“Guess you’re right. I’m just being selfish. Guess I got a bit of a hero complex.”

I say it in jest, but maybe my desire to “save” Hanji really is just a hero complex. She saved me from myself, and I guess I want to be the person who does the same for her. But Yosuke’s words ring true, it’s likely that the best thing I can do for her is leave her be for a while.

“So, I gotta ask man, why Hanji? She’s a good friend of mine so I shouldn’t slate her, but she’s not exactly the ideal choice for a romantic partner. How’d you end up falling for her?”

Yosuke hits me with a question I wasn’t expecting. Despite me often going to him for advice, he rarely takes any actual interest in the lives of others. I normally have to drag him into these conversations, he would never start one himself. He must find my unorthodox crush amusing.

“That’s a difficult question to answer, but I guess it’s because she made my shitty life so much less shitty. Coming here was terrifying, knowing I’d be branded ‘schizo’ and probably looked down upon, but Hanji quelled those fears and gave me a place to belong. That’s probably why I fell for her.”

Just as Yosuke is about to reply, another voice interrupts us, tutting loudly. Every word it says drips with condescension.

“Tch, I’m disappointed in you, Schizo boy. As if joining the poser’s little band of miscreants wasn’t enough, now you’ve gone and fallen for her? You must be an idiot.”

Yosuke and I turn around, but before we even catch a glimpse of him we know who it is. Akihiko’s sneering face is right there before us.

Akane immediately hides behind Yosuke, her face a picture of pure fear. Yosuke’s cheek twitches and his normally flat expression changes to one of pure disgust.

“Yosuke, bro, sort your missus out. Don’t she know it’s rude to run away from people like that?”
“Eat shit and die, Hiko. After everything you’ve done to her, you’re lucky I haven’t ruined your life yet.”
“Oh, stow it, you preachy little shit. All I did was teach her respect. If that’s enough to traumatise her, she’s too cowardly to be here in the first place.”

What Akihiko did to Akane? I’ve never heard of this before, but considering the reaction of my two companions I can assume it was horrific.

‘He’s the sort of person that gives us sociopaths a bad name.’ Everything about Akihiko makes me understand Hanji’s previous words better and better. If I was grouped in with him, I’d be sour too.

“But Taro, my boy, let’s talk about you. How’re you falling for a girl who doesn’t even care about you? How stupid do you have to be to love someone who can’t love?”

He turns to address me, and his sneer makes my blood boil. He reminds me of them so much. Someone who revels in other people’s suffering. An evil man.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“But that’s where you’re wrong, little Taro. You do have to explain yourself to me. I run this place, and when I see someone step out of line I have to correct it. You stepped out of line by falling in love with the person I hate most in the world. If you can’t provide me a good reason, I’ll have you beaten to pulp. You understand me, buddy?”

He walks up and puts him arm around my shoulder again. Alarm bells start blaring immediately.

Not good not good not good.

“Hands off my collectible, Hiko. He’s mine.”

I hear Hanji’s voice further down the hallway, but my eyes are shut tight. Don’t let them in.

“Kill him”
“Strangle him”
“Beat him”
“Cut him”

Don’t let them in don’t let them in don’t let them in.

“Whatcha gonna do about it, Hanji? Ain’t you a peace-loving pacifist or something?”
“I’ll pass a fist through your teeth if you don’t unhand him.

“Break him”
“Shatter him”
“Crush him”
"Destroy him”

Shut up shut up shut up shut up.

“I’m warning you now, Hiko. Let him go.”
“And I’m telling you now, Hanji, there’s nothing you can’t do to stop me.

“Take his life”
“Break his body”
“Do to him”
“What you did to us”

Don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out

“Hiko, I swear to go- what the fuck is wrong with you! Where do you think you’re touching you sick fucking rat!”
“Shut it, you hippie fucking tramp. I’ve got your new boyfriend here. Try to fight me and I’ll break him.”

Don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out

“Maybe once I’m done with you and lover boy here, I’ll pay a visit to that whore sister of yours. Not like there’s much she could do to resist me.”
“Sto- get off- don’t touch m-“

Don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out don’t let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out let it out Hanji Akihiko protect love hurt hate pain damage grab stop Akihiko hurt punch jaw Hanji protect love care love care love care protect fight punch kick grab punch fall straddle punch punch punch punch maim hurt kill hurt injure kill break shatter face skull nose blood break pain fists blood skin scrape punch Akina protect Hanji protect Akihiko hurt maim kill dangerous schizophrenia sociopath psychopath trauma violence Yosuke drag fail punch blood teeth jaw crack move bloody unconscious keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch blood battered Akihiko dying killing killing Akihiko not stopping won’t stop can’t stop keep going ghosts ghosts egging on ghosts four killed four dead four murdered me by me four killed four murdered follow me haunt me taunt me goad me evil awful terrible cruel violent dead killed beating savage beating skulls broken brains destroyed four dead four killed four murdered me my hands defence self defence killed in self defence four killed self defence not my fault not my fault Akihiko not my fault attacked Hanji protect Hanji protect Akina protect Hanji beat down kill beat down Akihiko kill Akihiko bones flesh breaking cracking bleeding blood blood everywhere blood all over hands bleeding face bleeding keep punching keep punching keep punching keep punching punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch pun-