First Place

Somehow, the crowd was even tighter and noisier than the one Gesus had generated. Everyone at Kidney Road looked up at the same temporary stage at the same announcer and the same booth- only this time, a few of them were staking everything on what he would have to say today. Everyone was relying on him.

Kidney was not made nervous by the prospect. If the impact others had on each other could be graphed, he would be the highest scoring in the world. All his life, it never bothered him to think that almost every child in the world was raised semi-exclusively on his artistic efforts. What might have been a terrifying, existential thought to a normal man was precisely what drove him. Besides, the fact had long since been trumped by his many other achievements, all of which he took pride in. Be he President, god, or just the most lucrative and influential park owner in the world… it felt correct that he should be the one in the spotlight. Turning his glass eyes to the crowd, they cheered when hit by his gaze, like blooming flowers.

Though the sisters couldn’t see them, everyone was here. Every challenge they’d overcome was little more than another person standing here waiting for their own name to be called out. While some were more confident than others- Bozo couldn’t stand still whilst the young Kidney fanboy Robert was just uncertain as to whether he would win first or only second place- they all came here with some belief that maybe it would be them who got to experience an ounce of Kidney’s joyous existence today- that ambrosia called victory.

The mic was turned on.

“Hello, everyone.” Walter greeted, less official this time, pulling even the sisters who knew the truth just a little bit into his colorful persona. “Saying goodbye is… never very fun, is it?” He chuckled in a way that was quite genuinely sad. “But I think that… today, for a few of you… you’ll leave this game being quite happy. …And quite a bit richer, too.”

He paused for the crowd’s laughter. It took slightly longer than he expected. He cursed himself for failing to predict a simple emotional response and vowed to see his cybernetics surgeon that night to make sure his brain was still functioning correctly.

“Still, I hope the… rest of you had just as much fun playing. Many want this prize very bad. Let us not forget the cause of this competition. Another wonderful park, Venge City, has been greatly damaged, and is in need of repair. If its owner is to win, he will be able to repair its star attraction, and bring happiness to many more people.” He reminded, leaving out the bit about there being an attack or tragedy. “So I just ask that…” he smiled, jostling the letter in his hands. “If that park’s owner’s name is in here and you lose to him, don’t be so sad. I’m sure whoever wins, they’ll be more than thankful to all the losers who got them there.”

Watching directly across from him, atop the roof of the Universe Theater, Kidney’s public relations staff hurriedly crossed their arms into X’s, having to guide him for the first time in a few decades. Ashamed, Kidney turned down and to the right, blinked hard, before pressing a small button under his podium and holding for a short moment. Then be turned the mic back on and resumed his beloved familial smile. “…That’s a joke, folks.”

Underground and far away, in a control room somewhere within the staff tunnels, Mr. Portman cranked the pheromone dispensers along Kidney road into overdrive, wondering just what the hell Kidney was doing.

The whole audience started dying of laughter. Kidney, teasing his own guests? Oh, it was just simply too much to bear. The delayed punchline of the bit was killer to the point where it stung their sides. Even Frankie was cupping a hand over her mouth giggling like a schoolgirl, while Cheryl howled maniacally just a few people away. Suddenly, the flop had become a hit that struck everyone in attendance.

Kidney regained his composure, but feared for the worst. It couldn’t be the stress. It just couldn’t be. He’d been the most important man in the world for most of his life. Things were slightly more chaotic than usual right now, but that shouldn’t matter, goddamn it. Was his body truly malfunctioning? Impossible. He’d gone over a century and been just fine. This was humiliating. Since when had he ever needed to rely on Portman to make a joke land? Maybe always, the pessimist in him thought. This park was always under control. Its inhabitants’ feelings always being warped. Maybe he had never done anything for himself to begin with.

Kidney stuffed these thoughts down his throat. This wasn’t him. It wasn’t Walter Kidney.

“Well…” He steadied his posture, nobody able to tell anything was wrong. “I could talk all day, but maybe I ought not to keep you folks in suspense any longer. Though before I let it known who our top three winners are, let me at least say this, from the bottom of my heart- thank you, everyone. For participating in this game. For coming to my park. In my eyes, you are all family. Please don’t forget to stick around for the special announcement I’ll be making following our winners… which are, from top to bottom…”

Kidney flexed the envelope, and then opened it, not a bit of surprise on his face as he started to read…

Frankie held Katie’s hand. Feeling the way she had during the climax of every game and battle she’d engaged in all at once, her mind went white in anticipation. She worried any thoughts she had would jinx her. So just like Kidney, she ignored them all, waiting eons for the charming announcer to break the news. Katie did just the same.

“In first place, with 4917 tokens…”

“Coaster Bozo!”