Betrayal

Since we arrived at our new house, Haru has been lost in thought, a distant haze clouding his usual demeanor. I’ve been conflicted about whether or not I should ask him what’s wrong since he doesn’t like when people do that, but it’s overwhelming with how much it bothers me. I want to help with whatever’s troubling him, but I wonder if he’ll get mad. I can’t help but wonder if it’s about me; no, it’s definitely about me.

In an attempt to comfort him, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him into a hug. Instead of reciprocating, he withdrew from my touch.

“Not right now, please,” he said in a monotone tone.

I released my hands before sitting next to him, “What did I do? I’m sorry if I upset you, Haru,” I frowned.

“It’s nothing you did. I just need some time alone, okay? I love you.”

“Okay… I love you too.”

It’s best to leave him be, isn’t it? I’ve already told him once that I’m willing to shoulder his guilt, but if he needs time to himself, I have no choice but to respect that. I just hope that he talks to me about it eventually.

To get my mind off him, I quietly began to explore the house. The furniture that came with it is noticeably worse than our old furniture, but it gives off a certain charm. This house gives me a cozy feeling, like every single natural disaster could hit us, but I’d still be lounging peacefully inside. A peaceful existence… the life I’d always dreamed of.

I found a comfortable spot to reflect; a bay window seat looking out into the forest. The rain pitter-pattered against the glass, filling my body with a sense of tranquility I haven’t felt in a while. I’m content here, happy, even.

If only the walls weren’t so thin.

On the other side of the house, I hear Haru speaking on the phone; his nervous pacing reverberated through the floorboards.

“No, I haven’t told her you’ve called me.”

My trance was broken. Snapping back to reality, my ears fixated on what Haru was saying to this mysterious person.

“I don’t think she knows anything; I feel bad… horrible, even. She’d definitely want to know.”

I stayed leaning against the bench, my hand covering my mouth tightly. Do I have any right to be surprised, though? His stress has been building up to the point where he has to seek out someone else to comfort him.

That’s… wow. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions; Haru loves me. I know he loves me. No one would do what he did if he didn’t love me, at least a little. I need to trust my boyfriend, right? Still, though, I couldn’t blame him for being tempted to be with someone else. It’s a much more straightforward relationship than whatever’s wrong with me.

I listen to their conversation, a lot of him agreeing and repeating the guilt he always expresses.

“Send me ideas for what we could do. I might be able to set up something when she leaves.”

I hug my knees to my chest. I can’t be alone in this world, can I…?

“Yes, I’ll pretend that everything’s okay… when the snow falls, we may be able to meet again.”

I hid my eyes from the world, holding back the desire to break down. This can’t be happening. This isn’t real. It’s so unfair not to give him a chance to explain, I know. My body doesn’t care if it’s unfair; the warmth of my rage bubbles inside me. It leaves me afraid of being alone, afraid of what I might do to myself or him.

It’s all my fault. Everything keeps running through my head; every action I took, every word I spoke, everything I thought but never said. What could’ve led to this? I clutched a pillow in frustration; my magic inadvertently engulfed it in flames. Looking down, I quickly pulled my hand back and onto my chest, the warmth of my hand leaving the exposed parts of my skin a light red.

The sounds of the floor got louder as Haru paced around the house, eventually entering the room I was in. I quickly hid the pillow behind my back. Once pained and concerned, his gaze shifts to a facade of comfort as he sits next to me.

“You look troubled, Lili. Is everything okay?” he asks.

At that moment, I wanted to cry and beg him to tell me everything. But I can’t. If he wants to pretend, I’ll fucking pretend too.

I nod, putting a smile on my face, “Just thinking about some things… What about you? Everything alright?”

“Yeah. Everything’s okay now,” he reassures me, looking at me with the most love and admiration I’ve seen in a person. I can’t help but feel conflicted when he looks at me like that.

He shuts his eyes, enveloping himself in the warmth of my body. His touch loosens as he drifts off to sleep; he rarely falls asleep before me. I guess he’s had a long day.

My gaze was fixated on the phone in his hand. It wouldn’t hurt to check, would it? I want to make sure my suspicions are correct before acting rashly. At the same time, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if they were, and I had to see that with my own eyes. I wonder if Touko’s biggest nightmare was being cheated on because it sure feels like mine.

Enveloping the phone in my hands and chanting a spell, it quickly turns on. The most recent notification was from a familiar name- Tsukimi Chihara. Conveniently, it spells out everything.

The text reads, “After that, she ought to gain the memory of the end of your lives, subsequently reverting her back to Touko. Good luck, Haruki.”

The rain lets up, leaving only a drizzle. A sigh of relief escapes my mouth as I gaze outside, watching the rain fall once again. Suddenly, a pair of raindrops align themselves with my bottom eyelid and trickle down, falling off the window and onto the ground. I touch my eyes; completely dry.

Holding Haru in my arms, I let myself surrender to him.

My lips graze his cheek as I whispered to his sleeping body, “I’m sorry for doubting you, Haru… I love you.”

Looking back at the message he got, several more raindrops landed under my eyes.

Oh…

I’m going to die soon, aren’t I?