When The Snow Falls

 I find myself lying in a field of white chrysanthemums mixed with red spider lilies. I stare at the sky, a tranquil time with no clouds in the sky. Gazing at me was my other self, holding a flower in his hand while the other hand had dissipated into the air. I looked up at him, locking his eyes with mine. With each second that passes, more of his body begins to disappear.

“Haruki,” he begins, examining his hand, “It seems like it’s almost time.”

I sit up, hugging myself tightly, “Is there any way for the two of them to exist simultaneously?” I averted my gaze to the ground. He lowers himself to my level, maintaining his gaze on me.

“You already know the answer, don’t you?”

I furrowed my eyebrows, troubled, as the weight of my decision rested on my shoulders.

“That’s what I thought. A cruel world we live in, isn’t it?” he remarked bitterly.

“What did I ever do to make the world punish me this way…?” I asked rhetorically.

“I have an idea, and I know you’ve thought of it too,” he gave me a sly smile; I instantly knew he’d suggest something horrible, “Why not just… keep Lili?” he maintained the smile on his face.

“Keep Lili…” I echoed the words back to him.

“You’ve thought this before. I’m you, remember? The thought of discarding Touko has entered your mind, hasn’t it?” his eyes pierced into my mind, making me avert my eyes to him.

“N-No, it hasn’t…” I replied quickly, so obviously lying.

“At least look at me when you say that,” he stood back up, pulling me to my feet.

“I’m horrible, aren’t I?” I asked, “I’ve spent this long making Lili endure so much pain, and now I want to turn back.”

Suddenly, a pair of hands cover my eyes, and I hear a familiar voice behind me.

“Having doubts, are we?”

I spin around to face her; she has a bright smile on her face with her hands placed in front of her.

“Touko…” My voice caught in my throat, lowering my head onto her shoulder, “I’m so, so sorry.”

Her touch was gentle as she cupped my face, forcing me to look at her with tears in my eyes.

“It’s okay, Haru. Falling for Lili was inevitable. I’m not mad, okay? I love you,” she reassured, her smile staying on her face as she gazed lovingly into my eyes.

Her confession causes my knees to give out, pulling her down with me. At that moment, I knew that there was no way I could move on from her. I had been worrying for nothing. The way her cadence was slightly different than Lili’s was enough to make me realize that. I held her tight, not wanting to let go. She buried my face in her chest, reciprocating my touch.

“I don’t want to wake up,” I admitted to her, allowing my tears to fall from my eyes. I try to hide my face from her to no avail. She lifts my head from her chest and gazes into my bloodshot eyes.

“If you wake up, you can feel this in reality,” she wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on mine, “Don’t use up all your tears in this dream.”

I averted my eyes from her, embarrassed, as she wiped my tears with her thumbs.

“I’m not crying…”

Instead of responding, she squinted her eyes and gave me a smile that said, “Yeah, right.”

The other me knelt at our level, “So, Haruki. What do you think now?”

Drawing my attention away from Touko, I look at him, “What do you mean?”

“Do you still want to choose Lili over Touko?”

“I never said that-”

I turned back to Touko, only to find that she’s disappeared.

“Call that a trial run and a lesson, Haruki. You always choose the easy way out, dying instead of confronting your problems, choosing the path of easy affection over the deeper connection; see what I mean?”

He’s right; I’ve always hated that part of myself. The part of me that wants results quickly, even if it means I have to face negative consequences. I hold myself again, trying to mimic the warmth that Touko gave me.

I took a deep breath, “Yeah, I know. I feel like I’d never have a chance to fix that part of myself once Touko returns to me.”

“You never know,” he glanced at me, “You decided that you’re going to help Touko retrieve her last memory?”

“Of course. Being apart from her for so long made me forget how much I needed her; wasn’t that your goal?”

“You know me so well,” he shrugged playfully.

I hugged my knees, dragging my finger across the grass and plucking a chrysanthemum from it before holding it up to my nose.

“Haruki.”

“Hm?” I respond.

“You know what you must do now, don’t you?”

“About Touko?”

“Yeah. Don’t forget, to make Touko remember your deaths; you should mirror the situation as closely as possible. The snow, the rooftop, your final words, everything. The snow will fall again in a few months… you just have to wait.”

“I hate waiting. What if I have to wait too long and return to how I was before? The me who was content as long as he had his love reciprocated?”

“If that happens again, you’ll return here, and I’ll make you remember just how much you need her.”

“You’ll torture me…” My eyebrows furrowed again, hugging my knees up to my chest.

“Sometimes torture is necessary, Haruki. People like us know that reality well, don’t we?”

“You’re right. If I do something wrong, I deserve to repent. Once the snow falls, my retribution will end, won’t it?”

“We won’t know until the time comes.”

The other me gazes into the distance, “It’s time to wake up now, Haruki. Farewell.”
—
A burst of light clouds my vision, fading the dream world away, replaced by a storm brewing outside; my arms tighten around Lili’s body as if protecting her. She jolts awake at the sound of the storm, startled, before closing her eyes again. She returns my embrace, shielding herself from the outside world.

“I’m scared, Haru…” she mumbled sleepily.

“I’m scared too.”

I just have to pretend everything’s normal until the snow falls again.