Confusion, reluctance

She stood before me, in a western-style dress she could not seem to part with, that had been coloured white like the endless skyscape of clouds we stood underneath.

“Good morning, Ms. Nagahiro.” I spoke simply.

Her hair was as black as midnight, and the pale skin underneath her eyes had been littered with sunburnt freckles.

“Good morning, my dearest poet.” She smiled in turn. “Will you be writing more words for me today?”

“If that is what you wish, then I will always keep safe words in my heart for when you visit.”

We sat once again, underneath a waving willow that seemed all too happy to allow its leaves to fall like rain within the wind. Her head rested against my shoulder, and I read slowly and carefully from a book that had been tattered and worn upon its edges, written in a language I could understand slightly.

“‘I could tell you my adventures – beginning from this morning,’ said Alice a little timidly: ‘but ‘it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.’” I spoke softly, my words fragmented as I spoke out the runes marked carefully from a land I knew nothing of.

“She speaks of how we change everyday, doesn’t she?” Ms. Nagahiro laughed softly. “Then, do you think you are different from the you that you were yesterday?”

“I would hope so. I would like to grow in many ways, as much as I can.” I spoke simply in reply. “Although, I wouldn’t like to change so much… there are many parts of the me from yesterday that I hold dear. They are parts I would never want to leave me behind.”

She looked at me with a gentle gaze, one that did not match her smile, for her eyes seemed to shake along with her emotions that hung at the edge of her lips.

“For me, would you change?” She asked of me.

“It depends on what you would ask of me.” I spoke in response.

She bit at her lip, and suddenly she sat up straight, looking high up into the sky as she closed her eyes tight.

‘Then, if I were to ask you to wed me, would you change yourself to suit that purpose…?” She asked with a tight-laced tone, one that barely seemed to eek out of her mouth that seemed so hesitant to speak. “If I were to say ‘I love you’, would you change your heart to say it in return…?”

I felt my heart sink in that moment, as if it had been chained tight to an iron, and left to drown in the depths of torrenting waters. I held softly my shirt, right where my heart would have been, if I had not misplaced it long before.

“I don’t know what that feels like…” I whispered. “So how can I say ‘yes’ so assuredly…?”

“Then you cannot love me?”

To her question, which carried the full of her heart, I simply shook my head in response.

—-

I had spent the entirety of my morning sitting within the aching atmosphere of my heart. I knew well that standing and waiting would only allow my worries to fester, so I had set my gaze forward as I made my way to the theatre.

Every time I thought about what had happened, however, my face grew hot and flushed. I had to look constantly towards the ground so that the crowd that passed me by would not think me to be ill. Touching a softened hand against my cheek, I smiled, knowing full well that hers had been placed there just a day prior.

I could still feel the touch of her lips against mine.

Standing afront the theatre, I took a deep breath inwards. She stood at its entrance, affixing decorations to the doorway as if to catch eyes that would pass quickly by.

She turned towards me as I walked up to her, and her face seemed to brighten up as it escaped monotony of thought.

“Good day, Agreste.” Theresia spoke with a smile.

I did not greet her in turn. I wanted quickly to get rid of an unbearable ache.

“Theresia, I want to talk about what happened last night… rather, yesterday.” I spoke simply towards her.

I could feel a weight lurking in my chest, like a giant iron ball had replaced my heart, forcing me to carry an unparalleled heaviness within myself. It was endless, lurking, and infuriating.

But Theresia simply looked back at me with an expression of abject confusion.

“Yesterday? I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “For some reason, I can’t remember much of it. Did we drink?”

The heaviness sunk even lower into my chest.

“I tend to forget things when I drink.” Theresia laughed softly. “I’m sorry if I did anything out of the ordinary.”

“Ah, nevermind it then.” I shook my head. “It’s nothing important.”

It was wholly important to me.

It hurt me to think of her.

It hurt me to be so close, and feel so far away.

///

I felt guilt for being so happy. While I had determined myself to give happiness to others, I had often refused it of my myself.

Praise, joy, and even love were denied entry at the gate of my heart.

It was because of that guilt that I felt stuck in place.

My world could expand no longer.

I walked slowly down the soiled paths of the bronze city, paying no mind to the buzzing of dimmed lamplight and the whirring of distant gears turning.

Kneeling down upon the stone path, I set my forehead against my knees as I let out a heavy sigh. I could feel my face growing flush, my cheeks red hot with indignance and embarrassment alike.

“God I’m stupid…” I muttered, my heart feeling unease and dissatisfaction.

A set of footsteps sounded out behind me, and a voice I knew well of spoke simply.

“It’s good to see you again, Mr. Poet.” They spoke, an obvious grin lacing their tone.

I turned to meet the political influencer, whose skin seemed to grow further marked with embellishments of ink with each passing day. As they gazed upon my face, which shook gently with the bearing of my heart’s emotion, their grin faded, and they took a seat beside me upon the stone.

For a while, we talked, and my heart which had ached with intense pain seemed to settle, if only for a moment.

“Theresia is my sibling. I’m sure you’ve learned this much, having had spent so much time with her…” Cassea spoke softly.

“I do know of that much. I also know that you two don’t seem to get along too well.”

“Putting it that way, it seems so simple doesn’t it?” Cassea laughed pitifully. “It’s much more than that, however.”

Cassea took a deep breath, before continuing.

“Do you know well the name ‘Franz Forger’?” Cassea asked of me.

“I’ve met the man, but I know naught of him.”

“He is… a genius.” Cassea smiled softly. “He is the man who had raised us all of our lives… but he only let his eyes rest on Theresia, rather than I... She was his effort in cultivation, the product of his teachings.”

Cassea sighed, shaking her head as she continued.

“But Franz was a little too invested in making Theresia ‘great’, so much so that he forced her away so that her independence would drive her to perfection. He burned Theresia’s bridges so that she had no escape other than the path forward.”

I turned towards Cassea, wholly invested in her story. I understood then the tension that had been present between the man named Franz, and the playwright Theresia. She was a woman scorned by her father figure who tried to help her excel in the worst way possible.

“After leaving Franz behind, Theresia threw herself into her writing. It was all she had, and all she cared for. As far as I know, she rarely ate or slept. Her works were her entire life.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked of her.

“Because despite that, you’ve torn her eyes away from all of it.” Cassea smiled. “For the first time, I’ve seen my sister smile at more than her own passion. You make her like that, Agreste.”

She let out a soft sigh.

“I don’t know if we’re bound by blood, but we’re siblings nonetheless…” Cassea spoke softly, turning towards me. “So let me tell you this much. She loves you, so you should let yourself feel that.”

My gaze fell towards the ground as I lost myself within thought.

I knew that the guilt that held me back had never really faded from my heart, despite my willful attempts to ignore it.

I wondered then, despite that, could I at least allow myself to feel loved as she said? Could I allow myself to speak of my love?

Did I deserve to understand my heart, of which I had misplaced so carelessly, and allowed to cause pain to others?

I let out a sigh, shaking my head and my apprehensions away as I spoke softly.

“Alright then.” I spoke softly. “If that is all it is, then perhaps it is fine. Perhaps I can move forward on my own path graced by wildflowers.”

I had determined myself to realise the meaning of my heart.

“How can I show Lihal a world where you can live freely with your heart, if I do not do so myself?”