The You Who’ll Soon Vanish

 I revisited my conversation with Tsukimi as the snow fell and piled on the ground outside. It only took a few months for this fate to be sealed; it's coincidentally the anniversary of our death, December 20th. I've unintentionally avoided Lili to the point where I feel like she knows something's wrong. Recently, I've been nearly torturing myself out of fear of becoming attached to Lili again. I remember Touko's touch until I start crying, secretly trying to make myself hate Lili as if she's why I'm feeling this way. As much as it hurts, I have to do everything in my power to prevent myself from falling back into old habits.

I convinced Lili to leave the house and go shopping to give myself time alone to contemplate and work through my plan. When she returns home, I'll lead her to a rooftop and stand at the edge, repeating the words I said to her when our lives came to an end. The weather, the situation, and the fact that this day lands on the anniversary of our death should make her remember… which will make Touko return to me.

I'm the worst. I hate myself for needing to put someone I love through such agony; I've done all I could to think of a plan that wouldn't require such trauma to be inflicted on Lili. I hope she understands my position, and I'm willing to bear any sort of anguish if she doesn't, all for her sake.

This is what happens when someone like me falls in love, isn't it? I felt her touch and became addicted. Someone like me who can't live without his partner shouldn't be allowed to embrace such a thing. These feelings mixing inside me are my rightful retribution for believing in such a convenient lie, the lie that Lili could solely fill the void that Touko left in my heart. This is me, bearing the cross of having fallen in love.

Maybe I'm cursed. Forever destined to watch as everything and everyone I've ever loved leave my side. It makes me afraid to love, but it's too late for that. I'm already at a point where if I discard the people I love, I will fall apart with no way to return; my life will become an abyss. Is death possible in this world? What would it become? Nothingness?

I have to remind myself that there's no point in worrying anymore. After Touko returns, I can fulfill our dream and hopefully be truly happy again. I'm spinning around in my head, trying to convince myself that I'll be okay. Eventually, my love for Lili will become nothing more than a nostalgic memory. I'll recover from her, I know I'll recover, I always recover. I keep repeating these words in my head, hoping that that'll make them come true.

The sun sets behind the trees as the snow lightened to a flurry. I hadn't realized how long it's been; each passing second fills me with more and more anxiety to the point where it feels like I'm going to explode. I want to do this so bad, yet at the same time; I'm dreading it more than anything. The future is so uncertain that I'm treading on uncharted waters, I'm left entirely in the dark, and I hate it.

The sound of the door opening pierces my thoughts. In the doorway stood Lili with a coat and a scarf draped around her neck; in her hands were several full bags.

"I'm home!" She shouted, removing her shoes before walking inside the house. I quickly covered up any evidence that I was doing anything suspicious.

"Welcome back," I shouted back, peering at her through the hall. Her face lit up when she saw me, a smile of almost childlike innocence and blissful ignorance. Completely untainted. A smile that shatters my heart in an instant. She giggled happily as she approached me, the floorboards creaking to the rhythm of her footsteps.

She presents a bag to me excitedly, "Look! I bought a few new outfits and some decorations for the house!"

She pulls out the contents of each bag except one. Each bag contained a different outfit, mostly skirts and dresses. I smiled as she held the clothes up to her body and spun around, showing them off.

"I thought of you while choosing these, you know, I'm fine dressing a little differently if you think it would be cute."

She held up a military-style black suspender skirt and ruffled shirt, "Especially this, it almost seems like it was made for me to wear for you."

Something about her seemed different, like she was desperately trying to etch her words into my memory and brand herself as irreplaceable to me.

"One last thing!" She held up the last bag, pulling out what was inside. It was a sketchbook with an intricate cover design and graphic pencils.

"I know you've been down lately, and I'm not asking you to tell me what's wrong. You can do that of your own accord. But I thought I'd buy you a present to cheer you up a little!"

I took the sketchbook in my hand, dragging it up and down the cover to feel the ridges in the design. Opening it, I was greeted with a drawing.

"I wanted to make sure the pencils were good, so I drew a little picture for you, too," she smiled again, tilting her head to the side.

On the page was a simplified drawing of a flower, a forget-me-not. The lines look a little shakey, like that of an amateur. At the top of the page were clouds that she smudged grey with a sun in the top right corner; the sun's rays peaking through the clouds and shining onto the flowers.

Lili looked at me expectantly, giving me puppy dog-like eyes.

The picture, while simple, stirs a warm feeling inside me. She took the time to test the pencils she bought for me and create a picture I would like. As much guilt as it gives me, the picture she drew had the power to melt all my worries away.

"I love it. I really do," I smiled despite my pain, gently grabbing her hand.

But now, it's time.

"There's a place I want to show you before we go to bed."