The Promise We Made Last Year.

 My first mistake was when I grabbed her hand and expected her to remain blissfully unaware of the situation. Her eyes darted around the room frantically, her hand trembling as she collapsed to the floor.

“I did all this, but you’re still going through with your plan…” she mumbled, burying her face in her hands.

“Haru…” her eyes pleaded with me, her voice a mix of desperation and regret, “I know this is selfish of me, and I’m sorry; I’d do anything for your happiness, but please rethink this.”

Lili reached out for my hand and grabbed it gently, “I… I don’t want to disappear yet. Please don’t make me vanish, Haru.”

She pleaded with me, desperation in her voice that I’d never heard before. Her words have broken me; I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think she hadn’t grasped the situation. I cover my face, afraid of letting her see.

She quickly stands, gently prying my hands and exposing my pain. A hint of guilt forms on her face as she gazes at me.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Haru… I didn’t mean to make you sad. I thought I was ready to go, but I was wrong. You’ve made me so happy, like a dream I never want to wake up from. When we met, I didn’t know that was possible,” she began speaking frantically, tightening the grip on my hands. Her words echo in my mind, only making me feel worse and worse. But still, I need to stay firm in my resolve.

For a second, I feel myself falter; maybe it’ll be easier to give up right now. I shake off the feeling quickly; I can’t bear the torture of feeling Touko’s touch, even if in a dream, again. Even worse would be having to see her disappointed face. I wanted nothing more than to scream at her, but silence was easier.

Yes, if I talked, I may ruin everything.

Touching my face again, my bottom eyelids are wet with tears. How long have I been crying? How many more times am I going to cry? Her face morphs from her guilty expression to a horrified one upon seeing my tears.

“Don’t cry; please don’t cry. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I don’t know why I said those things,” she hugs me, repeating her apologies over and over in my ear.

“Forget everything I just said; just please stop crying. I want nothing more than to see you smile, and if I have to disappear for that to happen, then it’s okay, really!” She plastered a smile on her face, one that didn’t reach her eyes.

My breath got caught in itself as I tried to speak, “Do you think… I want this?”

“I-I don’t know…”

“Lili,” I say her name adamantly, grabbing her shoulders, “Believe me when I say I feel the same as you. I love you… so much. I can’t bear the thought of losing you, but I have to.”

If this pain indicates the future, I’m not sure if I want it anymore.

“Why…” The tears began to pour from her eyes, “Can’t we just live in peace together? Just the two of us?”

I take a deep breath, wiping my tears with a trembling hand, “Because that promise belongs to Touko.”

She sniffled, pulled away from the embrace, and stayed silent. In an attempt to convince her more, I gently grabbed her hands.

“You said you want nothing more than to see me smile, right? Then, please follow me. I know it’s scary, but I’ll be by your side the whole time. I love you.”

I couldn’t help but feel as if I was manipulating her.

“I love you too, Haru… I really, really love you.”

As we stepped outside, the weight of what came next pressed down on my shoulders. It was a melancholic walk; I acted as a shinigami, guiding Lili to whatever lies beyond the afterlife. I’ve always wondered what she thought, living a life destined to vanish and be replaced.

In the time we spent walking, the snow already intensified. Walking hand in hand through the city, we clung to each other whenever the wind blew. As the day came to a close, we were increasingly aware of how dead we seemed, like zombies.

It didn’t take long until we arrived at a stone tower, eroded and mossy from the years of abandonment. The top of the tower was coated white, snow sliding off the top stones before descending back to Earth. We could see every breath we took as we gazed at the top of the tower, afraid to press onward. Each step we took ascending the tower weighed heavily on me; I tried my best to keep my eyes forward and not turn to face Lili’s pain.

On the roof, we stood together with our hands interlocked. The snow quickly covered where our feet were planted; the snow, as beautiful as could be, obscured our vision. We overlooked the world, the place that backhanded us in the face in every life we’ve lived.

Finally facing her, I could see Lili’s shaking breath in the air. Her hands were shaking, gripping mine as tight as she could.

“Lili…?” I mutter.

“Yes?” she responds, taking a deep breath to compose herself.

“I need you to only look at me, okay? Don’t take your eyes off me; I beg you,” my voice began cracking again, horrified of what was coming.

“This is… a little scary, huh?” I asked, mirroring my words from before. I feel like I can’t breathe or think; my hands tremble with each word I say to her.

As soon as I uttered those words, I heard a sharp inhale from Lili’s direction as she held her head, her hair tangling itself around her hands. Her breathing grew shallow, and she lowered herself to the ground, her shaking intensifying. Standing at the edge, I couldn’t help but feel one with the world below us; for at this moment, I was as cruel as it was to her.

It hurts you. I know it hurts you. I’m sorry.

I’m so, so, sorry.

I’m…

“I’m sorry, Lili.”

“Don’t…” she whimpered, “Don’t be sorry,” she managed to say through her pain.

“Everything will be better if I remember, right…?” She asked, straining her voice.

“I hope so. I don’t want everything you’ve done to be in vain,” I knelt on the ground, putting a comforting hand on Lili’s back.

She used my body as a handle, forcing herself to stand while still gripping her head.

“Continue,” she commanded.

“We’ll finally be happy together…” I resumed.

It’s weird, I was the one who told her to look at me, yet I can’t help but turn away from her. She cups my face, forcing it into place, staring into my eyes.

“I’ll always love you, Haruki… in this life…” Lili began, shutting her eyes to brace for her life’s end.

“-and in the next, too,” I finished.

With those words, I forcefully tore the petals off the lily, which withered into nothingness.

“A-ah… we said it. We said those words. I remember… I…” Lili sniffed, crumbling back to the floor, and released an agonizing wail, a scream piercing through the winter’s night sky. My heart ached so bad, but at the same time, I felt like the world’s been lifted from my shoulders.

Suddenly, everything stops. The screaming, the crying, everything comes to a halt… and Lili lifts her head; something’s different about her. The flower crown she delicately placed on her head falls off, unraveling itself before it hits the ground. Upon seeing my face, her eyes tear up, and she covers her mouth.

“Haru…ki,” her voice cracked, a smile forming through her tears as she lunged forward, embracing me and sending me to the ground with her.

“Touko…?” I whisper her name, my voice barely audible over the wind.

After some time, she pulled back, examining my face.

“Your horns have grown… cute,” she commented, giggling.

“Yeah! Apparently, some people get reincarnated as a fantasy race. I’m a rare kind of person; they said,” I explained, running my hands through Touko’s hair.

“Haru,” she lifted my bangs out of my eye, exposing it to the light I hadn’t seen for a while.

“Remember, it’s okay to cry,” Touko pulled me back into an embrace, where I allowed myself to shed tears in her presence for the first time in a year. Those tears were a testimony to my conflicting emotions; the me that was relieved to be reunited with my girlfriend, and the me that was grieving another.

She held me in her arms, comforting me as long as I needed it.

“Nothing is my fault, is it, Touko?”

She shook her head, “Nothing is your fault, Haru,” she reassured.

I almost couldn’t breathe with how tight she was hugging me. Nothing mattered right now, not the past nor the present, just the two of us ready to fulfill the promise we made a year ago. Still, someone lingers in the back of my mind.