How I Ended Up Like That

(The story of how ı ended up like that)

After my sister kill herself... I start smiling all the time...

People think ım insane because ı was smiling at my sister funeral...

I was smiling but also tears falling from my eyes...

I don’t show anyone my sadness ı just smile all the time, even in funerals, even in people betray me, even in ı fail at a exam…

I keep smiling, why would ı have to sad about anything... 

My sister never lose her smile, even once

She always smile for me now ı can smile for her she deserve it

People were thinking ım insane just because ı don’t cry in a funarel 

Why people think ım heartless, they make it look like a big deal

My sister never want someone cry after her, she told me herself if ı cry now ı just be disrespectfull to her memori

Anyways this isn’t about my sister, this is about me, ı wanna tell you how everthing stary

After my sister suicide people start to pity me especially Eri and her family, they start invite me dinner so much and Eri always let me win when we play something

I was start to bored they act like ı need them pity and worry

No ı come until this age and ı can go more ı don’t need anything from them, but ı can’t say this to them

I don’t want to sound ungratefull they always so nice and if ı start complain about how nice they are to me they start thinking ım ungratefull and maybe my friendship with Eri is be over

I don’t want that so ı act like im sad

After ı start to act like sad so they stop thinking ım insane they start thinking ım in shock and ı like that more

But there’s something missing in me

I can’t named that feeling but ım sure everyone can understand how am ı feeling 

Like... Like... No... I don’t know how ı have to called that

Nevermind ım sure now no one care about it

I have to turn my actual story

Like ı told everthing was normal, ı was going school, ı hang out with Eri shortly ı was happy

But people think ı don’t have to be happy do ı start to hide my happiness

I act like sad, cry when they talk about my sister, act like ı need them pity

İn the inside ı was hate that, hate all of pity and care but ı didn’t have a another option

One day when we walk home from school with Eri, we were talk about normal things ı don’t remember well what we’re talking about but thats not matter now

Suddenly ı feel a sadness inside of me, ı don’t know why but ı really wanted to cry

Eri notice something was wrong she stop walking and put her hand to my forhead

Then her eyes widen she start talk with worry in her tone “Aoki... You have fever!” I didn’t understand why she’s talking with worry so sometimes ı have fever but my sister always take care with me...

My sister...

My eyes were start fulling...

I stop walking, ı remember Eri keep saying somethings but ı didn’t mind what she was saying

My sister is dead... She... She can’t take care with me anymore... 

I start crying... First time from heart...

I felt ground on my kness and keep crying more and more

Eri was become more worried after every second she was trying to lift me and take me to her home so her parents can take care with me

But ı can’t stand up ı keep cry on the floor 

I was want my sister, ı want her back, ı still want her back

Why?! Why she ever leave anyway?! She was happy?! I always saw her while smiling she never ever cry fron of me!

Yes she cried one time... But it was just a one time thing... 

She can’t be sad, she don’t have right for cry, she always has to be my side!!

While ım crying on the ground ı felt a hand on my shoulder, when ı turn to hand owner ı saw... My sister...

“Aiko...?” I talk with very quit voice 

But hand owner come closer and ı saw her face... “Im sorry dear ım not that Aiko that you’re talking about”

I don’t mind what she was saying, ı just look at her face she was so beautiful

She has a warm smile on her face and very beautiful green eyes, just like me and my sister

She keep talking “Im Chieko, ı don’t know who’s that Aiko you’re talking about but if you’re lost or something ı can help you” she stand up and offer hand to me

I look at her hand for a moment then hold it, her hand was so soft, ı remembered that ı never wanted leave her hand

I wanted hold it forever...

She hold my hand and take me to a little store, she bought water for me

Then she take me to nearby park, we sit and she helped me drink water

I was still crying but now ım not sad anymore ı just want to be with her, she just look like my sister

I keep looking at her face “You just look like my sister” her eyes widen when ı suddenly say that to her

She look at me with confused expression “Darling ı think you’re confusing me with someone, do you know where’s you’re sister now” she keep look at me with calm but confused look on her face

I just wipe my eyes and keep look at her and repeat my sentence “You just look like my sister, you’re smile and you’re eyes just look like her’s” 

For a moment her expression change to confusion fully but she pull herself together at the second and turn her warm expression

“Where’s you’re sister now?” She repeat her sentence

I turn my face to floor and say something to her, ı don’t remember what ı told to her but ı remember after when ı said that her eyes fulled with tears

I don’t remember rest of it but ı remember she keep crying after Eri’s parents come to take me

Oh... Yes she was dissapeard for a moment now ım understand she go home for take her parents

They thank to kind lady and take me to hospital, ı stay there for a week

I hate everyday of that week

I had fights with doctor’s everyday, ı being mean to other patient’s everyday

Everyone at the hospital start to sick of me, ı didn’t blame them ı was deserve it or ı want that ı still don’t know

After ı left hospital ı start live with Eri

Her parent’s become my guardian’s and now they have a reason for pity me and spoiled me

But ı didn’t change, ı keep refuse their help and run from them

When ı go to this roof ı was thinking that way “I don’t need pity or help, ı just need my sister and ım gonna see her no matter what”

I was standing near of roof, just one more step and ı can see my sister

But ı heard a voice behind me “How are you ended up like that?” I turn to voice owner and saw kind lady...

“I really don’t know how ı ended up like that...” ı don’t know why ı answer her question ı guess ı just want talk last time before end this forever

But she keep look at me with her warm smile and hand me a flower “Don’t worry ı know you hate when someone pity you so ı won’t pity you just tell me why you wanna die then ı’ll leave”

Then ı guess ı faint... I open my eyes at a hospital... And that’s all

Now ı finnaly can start telling my real story