I Think I... (like you)

I expected carnage.

Or maybe a small natural disaster level threat between us at the very least.

As I gingerly made my way to the cafeteria area the next morning, I made sure to be on the lookout for potential projectiles or maybe even traps strategically placed specifically for my person; I was on the more personable side than Jun was generally, but they definitely would have more allies on their side simply due to the sheer amount of seniority they had over me.

I know I sounded like I was overreacting, but I didn’t know how Heralds handled conflict!

Much to my suspicion and mounting paranoia, everyone was going about their business as usual and both Jun and Cyan were seated at our table; paperwork and plates intermingled but never mixing as they ate and worked as they normally did. Ordinarily, I’d be right there with them with my own food and files. (Although I preferred to work on my tablet.)

That was ordinarily though; today I hesitated and hesitated before Cyan saw me dancing between coward and chicken and waved me over with a horribly loud, cheery ‘Hi Birdie!! Hurry up and come sit down!’

I was appreciative of her enthusiasm on most days, but I was very much considering spitting at her hospitality and turning right around so I could run away.

I didn’t, because I very sternly reminded myself that I had at least some spine as I stiffly marched over and sat down; feeling for all intents and purposes like I had somehow strode into the room with zero clothes and was, therefore, completely exposed. I wasn’t of course, but it felt like everyone knew exactly what I had done and was actively judging me for it.

Cyan started chattering about the usual things she would do immediately, her voice slowly being tuned out as I tried to act normal and gauge what kind of vibe Jun was putting off.

If the Fairy’s oblivious demeanor was anything to go by, they hadn’t told her anything about what had happened which I wasn’t sure if I was grateful or upset about; it was an obvious relief to know Cyan wouldn’t endlessly mock me for my uncouth actions but, on the other hand, was it really so unremarkable that it didn’t even deserve mention at all?

All of it was too confusing to process after a sleepless night of bemoaning my stupidity as my brain forced me to relive the moment over and over.

Hadn’t they thought about it too? Had they agonized and screamed into their pillow and called me all the names I deserved for kissing them out of nowhere; or had it only succeeded in making my presence too painfully awkward to handle until they’d ultimately decided to close me out of their world like I had never been welcome in the first place.

I wanted to ask. I wanted to know desperately but my nerves held me back, gradually forcing Cyan’s words to come back into focus so she wouldn’t become more suspicious than I’m sure she already was and force us to talk before we were ready.

This had to be on our terms; I had to apologize on my terms, not hers.

The one thing I did know was that Jun deserved to hear it from me and know that it was happening because I wanted to, not because Cyan was making me. All I needed to do was work up the courage to say it; and sooner rather than later.

Luckily -or maybe unluckily depending on how you looked at it- Cyan was the first to leave the table since she received a Hailing about something urgent that needed immediate tending to, which left Jun and I alone in silence I couldn’t decide was weighted or not.

I cleared my throat, hoping to catch their attention naturally since the Auspice had been very intent on their work ever since I’d arrived.

While my nonverbal request for conversation was pending, I took the interim time to carefully study Jun’s appearance to further gauge their reception of my person following the previous night's… incident.

At first glance, they looked as they always did: incredibly put together and entirely at ease in their surroundings. However, since I had been able to be in close proximity with them for over a year now, I could tell there was tension in their shoulders and that the pallor in their cheeks was slightly more vibrant than normal. Coupled with the fact that the ribbon usually tucked so expertly through their hair had a stray end exposed, I could tell they were frazzled inwardly even if they didn’t immediately look like it.

I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. What did it mean-

“Yes?”

Their acceptance of my request for attention startled me, not that I was expecting them to ignore me -they were far too proper for that- but I had lost myself in my thoughts and had forgotten where I was. (Keep it together; start talking!)

“I-”

Having their gaze directed solely on me for the first time that day was altogether too much for my frazzled senses to handle. Powering through, I forced myself to stay calm and clear my throat again, winding my fingers together in front of me so I didn’t start gesturing to fill the empty space when I could find words.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

A weak start, but that was at least a good enough beginning to build off of.

“...I see; for what specifically?”

There was something strange in their voice, an emotion I couldn’t place hung heavily on their words which made me pull back what I was about to say so I could carefully access their answer first; studying between the letters to make sure I didn’t miss anything since it felt like there was something there. They weren’t saying it plainly but clearly alluding to it, I just needed to figure it out.

“For– for k-kiss-” I had to lower my voice, my embarrassment wouldn’t let me say it at normal volume. “-kissing you without…”

I had to stop again, fearing that I’d absolutely expose myself and the feelings I wasn’t even completely sure about further had I continued.

“That was crossing a line.”

I took a different approach, lifting my head to a proper height and straightening my shoulders so they knew I was being sincere. All the mess of my emotions could be dealt with later, what mattered in that moment was the apology so Jun knew that this– that they were important to me and deserved better than what I had done.

“It was inappropriate of me to do that just because I was desperate to surprise you; even for the sake of winning, that doesn’t make it okay for me to just… force that; and I’m sorry that I did.”

I didn’t promise that it would never happen again.

I didn’t say that I regretted it either; and I shamed myself internally for both of those things since I knew I probably should have.

But…

The longer I went into this apology, the more I felt my feelings untangle themselves and slowly emerge for me to view clearly. It wasn’t concrete just yet, but I had a whisper of suspicion that I would be able to deduce the outcome and what it would mean very soon; much sooner than I’d previously thought.

With their answer, the last piece clicked into place and I was forced to face the truth; all while the air was forced from my lungs and my heart took a deep plummet to my stomach as I waited and received the Auspices' deliberation to my apology.

“I… accept your apology.”

A small smile accompanied their words and it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my chest; this was an extremely good place to land since I was very sure of failure and wholly expected unmitigated disaster.

There was no reason why they’d have to forgive me but they had and that’s what mattered right then, I could fix everything else from then on now that I had some idea of what I was working with. (The idea was very small, but it was still some.)

We didn’t talk any further about how what had transpired affected each of us, we didn’t get the chance since Jun’s communication device buzzed to life and they were tasked with an urgent something that needed their attention as soon as possible.

I nodded and gave a little smile in acknowledgment of their departure as they stood with an apologetic gesture to their communication device.

They paused right before they left my range of hearing, turning their head just enough to look over their shoulder so they could decimate my entire being with their next carefully murmured words.

“So you are aware, Jin… I didn’t mind.”

Well, it was official.

I liked Jun.

–

Understandably -in my opinion- I had a hard time focusing as I went through my usual routine for the rest of the day; constantly needing to pull myself back into the present so I would actually pay attention to my Subject and what they were doing instead of zoning out and replaying what Jun had said for the hundredth time. (They said they didn’t mind, Jun said they didn’t mind-)

It still wasn’t really the appropriate time to think about what I was feeling and what Jun's reasoning might be; I needed to focus since I was still relatively new to solo Heralding and I absolutely did not want to make any mistakes.

I knew all of that but it was almost impossible to keep my mind on task when I had all those thoughts swirling around.

Although it was the last thing I wanted to do in the moment, I pushed all the hypotheses and potential outcomes that made my heart stutter aside and focused on the tablet in front of me; my notes and compiled information on Ren spread out beneath my fingertips so I could easily access anything I wanted immediately when needed.

It’d been hard to ignore my own negative impression of Mari at first, but with Jun’s advice -and Cyans, but she’d said pretty much the same thing as Jun- I’d been able to view her in a more objective light. It helped to see that she seemed to have changed from how she’d been back when I’d known her; no longer sickly sweet smiles and then stabbing words behind our teacher’s -or Ren’s- back.

She was a lot more reserved now, although when she was with Ren they both seemed carefree and happy; they would be an obvious Match -the ‘childhood friends’ type- but it didn’t feel quite right.

I had to make sure it wasn’t my bias speaking so I packed up my things and followed Mari through her routine so I could begin to build a Subject file for her; whether I would use the information to prove that she would be a good match for Ren or not, that would remain to be seen.

Lucky for me, observation ended after a few hours since Mari only had a couple errands to run before she returned home and was greeted with a warm embrace and tender kiss on the cheek that portrayed the intimacy of a longtime boyfriend or maybe even spouse.

That was easy, I could just cross her off the list for potential Matches right then.

It was odd, she and Ren seemed closer than just friends with the way they each had an undercurrent of nervous energy around each other that wasn’t usually present around longtime friends. I didn’t know, maybe they had only recently rekindled their friendship but it didn’t seem like it, they were too familiar for that.

It didn’t seem in Ren’s character, but there was always a chance that they were going behind Mari’s partner’s back; I hated that sort of thing but other people didn’t always have the same opinion as I did, and my dislike didn’t eliminate the fact that I would still have to deal with whatever circumstance I was given.

Analyzing Ren and Mari’s situation only made me think of mine, even though I tried my hardest to push it from my consciousness for the time being.

I had been Observing for long enough to warrant a break so I flew myself upward and disappeared through the clouds, touching down in the courtyard of the main building on Oeuvre and waving at Atlas as he rounded the corner to make ready for departure. He returned my gesture with a big wave of his own that drew a few eyes with how much exuberance he openly displayed..

Our usual table was empty which meant Cyan and Jun were busy. I let out a slow, relieved breath as I sat myself at the vacant table and settled my gear pack beside me while I rested; I always liked their company but I was grateful for the time to myself so I could think for a little bit.

It wasn’t at all a surprise as to what I needed to think about.

So I liked Jun; I liked like them.

I suppose listing a few things that I liked would be a good place to start, just so I could assess my overall feelings before I got ahead of myself; maybe I was just assuming things since we’d… kissed.

So, what did I like? That was easy.

I liked that they were competent.

So in control and knowledgeable and always ready to help even if they made passive aggressive complaints the entire time they bent over backwards to aid you in whatever you had asked for.

They cared so much about what they did and the people who they affected; studied and poured over every piece of what it meant to be an Auspice so they could be ready if ever they were asked. And even though they denied it, they liked being told ‘thank you’ after they helped since they always wanted to know if you felt they had done a good job or if they could improve at all.

They were -obviously- very good; to look at, to hear, to be close to, to look up to, they were easy to be with and all of that was nothing but plain nice.

Jun was a different kind of easy to be with than Cyan was; Jun made you feel like all of your thoughts mattered and never patronized or talked down to anyone even though they were -most likely- the smartest person in any room at any given time. Despite all that, it didn’t make them seem unapproachable even though they might seem like that from afar.

They were funny; snide and quick with humor so sharp and dry it was a weapon when wielded by their wit.

I liked the way they’d fiddle with their hair whenever their hands were idle; they’d worn the right corner of their clipboard soft with how much they’d tapped and traced the edge as they seriously considered where to send the Portants in their care.

I could’ve gone on but I’d thought enough and it was time to go back to work.

Me acknowledging my genuine feelings made it official, although I guess I should’ve seen it coming sooner considering how important Jun had become to me over the past year and a half as I worked to make my way back to Earth.

The next step was something to ponder on my next break but I had a suspicion that I already knew approximately what the answer would be.

I -somehow- needed to confess to Jun; I wanted to confess to Jun.

I’m sure that process will be perfectly easy.