Written in Reverse

I had always been known to be more particular than others.

My kind were naturally inclined toward precision but I tended to lean closer to the older traditions of mentality and self discipline than most; I had never been challenged on my point of view by someone who had additionally respected my personal outlook without needlessly writing me off as haughty or coldly aloof.

Had my heritage not garnered the reputation for such words, I’m sure my rather distant approach would have earned much more scorn given my independent nature, which tended to stray far from my other Elven counterparts who highly valued familial connections and bonds.

The majority of memories I kept from my living days had dwindled into simple feelings of childish wonder or bitter aggression in the heart of my chest once the trickle of time began to fill my cup; Oeuvre was an escape far better than any living life could have given me and I had welcomed it gladly.

It was many, many seasons ago and I didn’t care to invest the time it would take to refresh the memories that had slipped through the cracks in my mind; I’d prefer to fill them with the present.

Yes, the present was indeed something I needed to consider.

There was… well, Cyan; she had forced her way into my usual routine and routed her future to run parallel with mine. A true compeer and -though I would never tell her unless under extreme duress- I treasured her friendship greatly.

My fellow Auspice and I had an understanding only a Herald Designated into the same subcategory could have; we were the outlier amongst the Heralds since our duties consisted wholly of tasks to be completed on Oeuvre specifically. Visits were completely optional, whereas for others they were highly recommended if not required to earn their full fledged Herald status.

I knew all the senior Heralds across Designations by name although I didn’t address them as such, we weren’t close and were very much dedicated to our jobs and the Subjects, Heralds, or Portants it pertained to; there was mutual respect between us and I was satisfied -happy even- with that.

My post death occupation was monotonous but I rarely -if ever- found it boring; there was too much to be done and I enjoyed watching others find fulfillment as I had even if I only contributed a small block in laying the foundation for it; and even if a dull moment had come, Cyan had easily chased it away with her mindless chattering.

Monotony notwithstanding, and although I may have before, tedious was not a word I would've used to describe my standard habits post the arrival of a certain Human quite a few seasons ago now.

Of course; Jin.

To my surprise, he had arrived and then stayed by what I could only determine to be desperate insistence coupled with a large stroke of luck; it wasn’t common for the Auspice who greeted you to also be your Guide.

My ancestors would claim the Fates had intervened but I was more inclined to give the credit to Mistress Luck; she always seemed to favor the loners who walked their own path and I fit quite nicely into her preferred niche.

Jin was… ordinary; for a Human, he wasn’t particularly remarkable when you wrote out his personal effects on paper and viewed him solely on academic merit. (The Humans were commonly known to do this; I personally disagreed with this practice as it only classified by one metric and was, therefore, inefficient.)

Simple as he may have been, he was honest and resilient in a way that made him vibrant; although not vibrant like Cyan or some of the other Heralds were. Jin’s vibrancy was subtle and I liked uncovering more only by spending time in close proximity, it’s how I knew it was real and not an act he donned because he knew it would garner a more positive response from others.

I was aware that my attention was initially caught on him only due to fascination, from the very start I had been curious about the Human who had somehow managed to be outspokenly brash in a purely defensive way.

I had only previously known the loud, abrasive types of Humans to have heads stuffed full of nothing but themselves, and Jin was very nearly the complete opposite; things that baffled were innately intriguing and intrigue was a currency I highly sought after no matter the amount.

As coincidence would have it, becoming Jin’s Guide afforded me the closeness I required for additional observation, which Cyan had easily spotted with her seasoned Cupid eye and had ruthlessly exploited the moment she’d found a way.

Abnormally, I couldn't pinpoint the moment where my curiosity had transformed into something more… personal; intimate if you would. How the reason for observation had morphed from curiosity to a comfort I indulged in frequently.

It may have been due to the way he talked; cleverly intelligent in the strangest moments that strayed from my usual definition and quick with rebuttals that never cut or aimed to harm.

He smiled frequently but they never hid his true intentions and his eyes told me that he meant them; if he was unhappy he would display that emotion without embarrassment and I admired the transparency and confidence with an emotion that was a mixture of envy and approval.

Jin cared– for others, of course, as was the Herald’s unofficial mantra but he seemed to care for me; as a friend and whatever came a step or two past that now that he had… well, his actions had escalated our personal relationship and I found that I wasn’t too keen to return back.

I should have been surprised at my own words but I wasn’t; although I had always been completely honest -and even more so as I matured further- I saw no benefit in disillusioning myself. Honestly was -in fact- the best policy.

And the truth was that I -somehow- had begun to develop feelings for a particular Human named Jin; a new -by Oeuvre standards- Herald who was very intent on Replacement, which meant any pursuit of progressing our connection would be incredibly unwise on my end if I had even a modicum of self preservation.

And yet…

The vibration of my communication device shook me from my thoughts, my wrist already passing over my ear to transfer the Hailing as I took a fortifying breath and closed my eyes.

“Yes.”

“Uh, hi Jun, I was wondering if– when you’re next free, could we meet up? Wherever you’re most comfortable, it doesn’t matter to me.”

Presumably, this meeting is where I would do the responsible thing and reject any possibility of furthering our bond.

And yet…

I sighed.

“My office; whenever you are available. I’m free.”

“Oh… okay, great. I’ll– I’ll see you shortly then.”

And yet, indeed.

–

The path to Jun’s office was a route I was intimately familiar with; I had made the journey so many times at this point every turn and door that I passed was completely second nature.

Although Cyan and Jun frequently utilized the ‘intent and action follow through’ mechanic Oeuvre had in place, I was stubbornly human and still preferred to walk or fly ‘manually’ when heading to or from places.

For example, a conversation I was incredibly nervous about having was a perfect reason why I would try to take my time on the trip over. Case in point, I was walking down the hall towards Jun’s office at a moderately paced tempo, not slow enough to be considered dragging but nowhere near a jog.

I had rehearsed the basics of what I wanted to say all day between typing out notes and filing paperwork on the few natural disasters scaled large enough for Oeuvre to care about; I had been wondering why some of the Earth Sentinels I had befriended were so busy when I asked them if they wanted to chat for a bit, now I knew.

It was odd, I hadn’t noticed when I’d started calling Earth by its name; I’d always referred to it as ‘home’ before but now the word didn’t seem to fit so easily.

There was most likely a deeper reason for that but I chose to not investigate further, taking in a slow, fortifying breath before I rapped my knuckles politely against the heavy oak door that served as the liminal space between Oeuvre’s main building and Jun’s office.

I had permission to enter when we were on job, but this visit wasn’t related to anything task wise and it felt wrong to just walk in considering the nature of my audience.

“Come in.”

This was it.

Once I was seated in the surprisingly comfortable cedar back chair I had come to consider mine, I scooted myself a little closer to Jun’s side of the desk and fiddled idly with a seed pod that was strewn amongst the odd tree nuts and other dried seeds between paperwork and carefully sorted files on the Auspice’s desk.

“I’m… I wouldn’t be surprised if you already knew why I asked to talk; with how much you think and how observant you are, I actually wouldn’t be surprised if you already had figured out the exact way I’d say it.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “You always say I can’t keep anything to myself.”

I tried to joke a little to lighten the mood, the tension was heavy from where I was sitting although Jun seemed cool and collected as normal on the outside. It was only due to the tension I saw holding their jaw tight that gave away their nerves, although if it was from dread or anticipation I didn’t know; I hoped for the latter.

“Yes… I do believe I know why you requested this meeting.”

They didn’t continue with their speculation or claim that -since they had deduced correctly- there was no need to proceed with the conversation since they already had an answer for whatever I was about to bring up.

In Jun language, that either meant they were unsure of what I was going to say, or that they wanted to hear what I was thinking from me personally and were giving me space to do so.

I swallowed the lump of nervousness that tried its best to clog my throat and slowly began, giving myself time to try and untangle the nerves from where they had strung my shoulders tight as I met Jun’s eyes and started to speak.

“I considered trying to explain what I was thinking– or maybe if I could say when I noticed a change but… I think it would be best if I just came out and said it first. So…”

My vision had blurred slightly as I focused on the words I was carefully forming on my tongue, blinking to bring my sight back into clarity and refocusing on Jun across from me. My chest shuddered at their expression and I felt my heart beat faster, my fingers fumbling with the seed pod they were still fiddling with.

They were smiling their small, earnest smile with a carefully knowing and anticipatory look in their eyes that conveyed impatience with my dragging words.

Just say it.

We were both waiting; I wouldn’t make us wait any longer.

“I like you, Jun; I like you a whole lot.”

I was rewarded with a flush that spread from their cheeks to the tip of their ears, cerulean eyes blinking with something close to disbelief as they dipped their head for a moment; as if they had to break away from the intensity of our eye contact just to catch their breath before they returned to me and I fought to remember how to breath and stare at the same time.

They lifted their shoulders with a small tilt of their head, the gentleness in their actions more expressive than anything I had seen from them if it wasn’t sarcasm or a well placed insult to make Cyan or I laugh.

“Well I’m… glad, truly; since I quite feel the same. That is…”

In signature Jun fashion, a piece of their hair was tucked behind their ear as they spoke, honest gaze pinning even more where I sat as they carefully delivered the final blow that sent me careening off the edge into categorical chaos.

“I like you too, Jin.”