My Life, for Better or Worse

"Bye, Kou-kun."

Hashigami disappears into the crowd entering the train station, and I'm left to take the bus home to my hovel in the outskirts, contemplating everything that's happened today. Before, I would have never been able to visit the place where I grew up. It would raise too many traumatic memories- of the funeral, the courthouse, having my world turned upside down. But with her by my side, I was able to face what had once been my childhood home for the first time since it got taken from me. And I think I was able to find some closure.

By closure, I don't mean getting my revenge on everyone who's wronged me ever since the bank took my parents' inheritance and the inn. Assuming people go out of their way to screw you over specifically because they're evil and love seeing you suffer is something that only happens in fiction. Everyone who contributed to my misery wasn't actively trying to make my life worse. They were only trying to live their lives just the same as me. The bank needed to get the money that they were fairly owed from my parents back. They weren't doing anything predatory. The lawyer who convinced me to sign my inheritance rights back picked a bad time to press me, but I think he was genuinely trying to help prevent me from being on the hook for a debt I had no way of paying back. My landlord just wants to get fairly compensated for renting the building he owns out, and my manager is trying to keep his job just like I'm trying to keep mine. Yes, Hashigami is right. It is unfair. But none of them actually did anything wrong. The only thing I can blame for my life going down the drain is luck, or the gods, for this amount of misery being dumped on me at once.

The world is unfair. Most of the time, bad things happen to people, like me, and no one is to blame for it. That's the most frustrating thing of all. Life would be so much simpler if you were always able to get your revenge on the person who deliberately wronged you and fix all your troubles. But it doesn't work that way. Misfortune happens not because anyone intentionally decided to ruin your life, but because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Webnovel authors know the world is unfair. That's why they invent villains like Count Zadok- slimy bastards that embody all the worst of humanity and personally make the protagonist's life hell- so that it's satisfying when the hero finally gives them what they had coming. Because the authors, like me, are frustrated that real life doesn't work that way, and they know the readers are too. In real life, your problems don't go away when you vanquish an evil sorcerer. Life deals you a bad hand, and all you can do is grin and bear it.

The apartment is dark and cold when I enter. As I flip on the light, the old, exposed fluorescent bulbs ping to life with a hum, and I stop in my tracks.

Sitting in the small nook next to the cheap cooktop is the red-and-green tartan scarf, folded neatly, with a sheet of paper resting on top of it.

Slowly, I inch toward Hashigami's Christmas gift and gently take the paper in my hands, skimming the neat, measured handwriting.

Kou-kun,

I'm sorry. I can't accept your gift.

I can't tell you the reason why, but it's not because of anything you did. It has nothing to do with you.

For the same reasons that I can't disclose, this will most likely be our last communication. I will be leaving Aomori shortly- from this point on, I will be unreachable. I need to start over in a place that's not here.

I wanted to say that I'm proud of how much you've grown from the time we first talked. When we met for the first time, you seemed like you had no reason to keep going in life. That has changed. You've gotten so much stronger in the time we've known each other. I don't have any reason to keep hanging around- you no longer have to rely on me.

I sincerely apologize for any trouble I may have caused you with this note. I know it's abrupt, and I wish I could have told you to your face, but I'm too much of a coward to do so. I hope you can understand, even if you don't forgive me.

I enjoyed all the time we spent together, and I'm wishing you success and happiness in the rest of your life to come.

Hanabi

My mind races as I hold the note at arm's length, not saying a word. Gone? Leaving? Just like that? She said it's not up to me, but it has to be because of me, right? I just can't believe she'd suddenly pull a D.B. Cooper and leave town. It doesn't make any sense. She has a surefire novel contract coming, and a high school diploma, and she'd abandon it all? Is she trying to erase all of her past when she moves to Tokyo and starts writing professionally? I don't understand. I really don't. She looked so happy...just today...it doesn't make any sense...

Maybe she's under a lot of stress studying for her entrance exams and needs some space. I get it. I was that same way in the December of my senior year of high school, and girls can be a lot more dramatic than guys. I can't be assuming the worst just yet. I gave myself an entire lecture on not jumping to the worst possible conclusion, and here I am doing it again at the first sign of trouble.

...But she told me she wasn't taking entrance exams...maybe she's needing time alone to mull over her decision to go pro?

Gah. My brain hurts the longer I think about it.

But the more the week drags on, the more and more ominous my thoughts grow. I try to distract myself playing Brave Spirits Online and stocking shelves for 7.75 hours a day at work and reading more contest entries and adding comments to try and drum up support for mine. The finalist novels have a much quicker turnaround to be announced than the semifinalists. They're going to be announced on New Year's Eve. Being a semi-finalist has increased my novel's visibility a lot- now the adventures of Alfred and his harem sit at 15,000 views and over 2,000 favorites. The numbers shot up all of a sudden. I'm even cracking the top 100 for weekly views.

...Not like any of that matters right now. I'm too worried about Hashigami, and as the days drag on without hearing from her, with our LIME chat not changing since the day we met up at Aomori University, my worry grows and grows until it has almost consumed me.

It's gotten to the point that I hardly care about the fact that I'm single and broke and stocking shelves at the Kyoudai Mart on Christmas Eve. Yes, I do work on Christmas. That's not a concern to me right now, though.

The doorbell rings with its awful, tinny version of Jingle Bells as someone walks through the front door and the cashiers at the front counter recite, "Welcome..." in monotone voices. Nakaumi never puts any effort into it, and Miyata's not in a good mood today. He came in griping about how his girlfriend had dumped him for some reason or other. I had to listen to the whole thing changing into my uniform in the lockers, and I didn't care about any of it. It was none of my business, but Miyata sure tries to make it everyone's.

Footsteps sound behind me as I carefully arrange bags of Honey Butter potato chips on the shelves. I don't pay them any mind. There have been a lot of people coming into the store today. Usually guys who need to get some cash out of the ATM or buy an energy drink or something- Christmas is intense.

"Hey, can you help us?" That's the voice of a young man, coming from behind me. Urgh. Can't they ask someone else? I'm in the middle of something. "We're looking for the-"

As soon as I turn around, the guy's voice stops, and I freeze. I recognize that guy's face. And he clearly does mine, too.

"Yu...sei..."