XXII. proustian memory

I got a cold.

"Your baths are obscenely long, that's why," was Kaguya's objectively stupid opinion. We'd both decided to pretend yesterday's... encounter had been a fever dream. Irony notwithstanding.

"There's medicine at the usual cabinet," said my dad, with a can of beer in hand. For breakfast. "Some oranges, soup... vitamin... things. I'll come and check on you later. Go sleep."

Instead of doing this, I ate my toast. 

"...Nesaku? Did the cold make you deaf?"

"Maybe he's sleepwalking."

"I'm not," I replied. "I'm going to school. Like—" A cough. "—a good student."

They stared at me; dad's (empty) drink dramatically slid off his hand.

"Oh, stop it. You guys are acting like I skip all the time or something. It's only when I'm sick."

"...dad, what is he saying?"

"I was about to ask you the same."

"Not funny," I said.

"What?"

"What?"

I cleared my throat. "It's not that bad. Is it? No. I have an audition today. Please don't look at me like that. No way. You're kidding. Shit. Fuck. Ass. Dad, I don't hate mom."

Dad and Kaguya exchanged looks. Yeah, they couldn't understand me. Had they been able to and lost their marbles due to that last bit, and I would've just pretended to be delirious. Thus, I pointed at the door, tugged at the collar of my shirt, made walking motions with my fingers. Dad squinted. Kaguya rolled her eyes before returning to her breakfast.

"...so... out... school... walk? Why are you so intent on being responsible all of a sudden? What did you do to my son?"

I stood up. 

"You don't seriously believe I'll let you out like that, do you? Go back to sleep."

"No."

"I think he said no," observed Kaguya.

Yet my already flimsy constitution had become such that she could effortlessly—and literally—shove me back onto my bed. I said nothing else. As it was, to show opposition would be to fall.  

Thus, I set an alarm for two hours from then. Both of them should've left by then, and if not... well... fuck.

***

I had a fever.

They left, though. 

I had an audition. 

With my voice like this?

I had an apology to make.

To whom?

I went to school anyway. It'd taken way too much effort to hide my uniform in a way that wouldn't make it obvious it'd be worn again soon. I'd just have to sneak my way around the entrance somehow. It wasn't raining. I'd kill a man if it started to rain. 

Twice I circled the school, yet I wasn't able to find any opening. Where did people sneak out again? The back entrance? How about the spot Na... the soccer guy had embarrassed me at? I went there. Fences. Trees. No people.

Before anything else, I tossed my backpack over the fence. The proof miracles existed was that it didn't hit me in the face. I'd have to wash it later. This was so annoying. Were there any cameras around? Because the face mask sure wouldn't help. I could barely think. Anyway, time to climb. 

It wasn't nearly as hard as I'd expected, so either I wasn't in as terrible a shape as I thought, or delirium made an hour feel like a minute. 

On my way to a responsible student life I found a random guy smoking beside a tree, so I asked him, "Hey, can you understand me?"

He looked at me as though I'd just proposed we kiss. "What?"

"Yes or no?"

"What?"

So no. I kept walking. How racy, consuming drugs within school grounds. 

I had to do something about my voice. Medicine? I'd taken some, but they sure hadn't helped so far. Infirmary? They'd send me back home. Hope? Dead. 

...yet I was here, wasn't I?

I waited until break so I could slip into the class inconspicuously. It worked, kind of. Perks of being as remarkable as beige paint. "Huh?" That was Kenji's greeting. I sat next to him, as usual. "Why the mask?  Are you sick?"

I nodded.

"We don't have any tests today, though."

I nodded. 

"And you showed up three periods late."

I shrugged. 

"How come? I mean, no offense, but..."

None taken. I made walking motions with the fingers of one hand, then the other; the second hand kicked the first, which lay still until it started to walk again.

"...uhh... okay..."

The second hand repeatedly kicked the first.

"I have no idea what that means, but I'm sorry that happened."

I gave him a thumbs-up.

By lunchtime, I'd begun to see double. I should've taken a longer nap. No way I'd be able to hand in the... wait, no. No. I had to do it. Why? Because... I wanted to? But why did I want to? Was it really worth the effort? Was anything worth the effort? Probably not, but I'd told Hana... Wakumi that I'd do it. That we'd do it. We even stayed up late choosing this thing.

Na#$ came to annoy me. Kenji, who'd diligently waited for me to stand up, flinched at the new presence. "Sup!" Said the invader. "Are you all right? Can you practice today?"

Soccer was nice. I liked soccer a lot. I loved soccer. More than most things. But. 

"...man, you look like shit." (Thanks, asshole.) "Here, I'll take you to the infirmary. Should've just stayed home, to be honest. Aizawa? You can go ahead if you want."

"Okay," mumbled Kenji. 

I couldn't help but say, "You traitor."

If they'd held (empty) beer cans those, too, would've fallen dramatically from their hands. Admittedly, what I'd uttered just now wasn't a sound any human being should've been able to emit.

"No," I told Nawhatever. "Go away, you..." but then he slung my arm over his shoulder so I'd lean against him anyway. Kenji walked along with him. Not with us, with him. I was a hostage. People needed to stop tossing me around like a sack of potatoes. It pissed me off—not that it'd be wise to externalize this.

At the infirmary, Na[redacted] told the nurse, "He's feverish and sounds like a demon."

"Fuck you," I agreed.

"Christ almighty," said the nurse.

Why did I need two dudes to escort me here, anyway? Go away. The nurse took out a silver cross from the pocket of her apron, which made her the second Christian I'd met after John. Horrible time to remind me of him. When he got sick, he had a swarm of GIRLS to escort him. 

With the cross in hand, the nurse told the twosome, "I'll take care of him. You kids go play," then, to me, "I'll be calling your parents soon. Do you know your mom's number?"

Before I answered, I had to shoo Narcissus and Kenji away with my hand. 

The former said, "Don't worry. We can practice again once you feel better."

The latter said, "I'll tell the rest that you're sick."

In an alternate universe, they'd walk out while conversing about nothing. In this one, Kenji recoiled when Na??? tried to talk to them. That was the last I saw of them. Of the world outside this place. 

Infirmaries. Illness. Friends walking away. What a perfect time for a Proustian memory. 

Well, too bad.

I refused. 

Friends coming to see me. Tons at first. A group. A couple. No one. 

I refused.

After that, I had to go see them instead, day after day, even if I was less a former teammate and more a ghost. When they lost during nationals, I didn't even feel bad about smiling. 

I refused, I said. 

"...oh, sweetie, I'm sorry I asked about your mom. I found your dad's number, though."

Oh, great, now this moron said the same thing as the middle school nurse. Plenty of people lived by without a dad, but when it came to a missing mother, it became such a big deal all of a sudden. "Don't," I whispered, making her turn to me. "Can't. I have a. Test."

The nurse pointed at her ear.

"T-E-S-T," I spelled.

"Oh, I see... as you are right now, I don't think that—"

"Please. No call. Don't."

Was this a memory or the present? 

She didn't call anyone, so the present. "When do you have the test?" Asked the nurse. Right. I held up two fingers. "Two hours?" I nodded. "I'll wake you up then. Try to have some rest."

Now I felt bad for calling her a moron. My 'test' would be at the end of the day, but still.

I hated infirmaries so much. So much. Hospitals. Medicine. Hated them. I couldn't sleep, because I was so full of hatred. Besides, I still had to figure out just how the fuck to pre-audition. The plan had been to impress Murase with mediocre singing yet outstanding spirit, but now...

...actually, I could just guilt her into letting me back in. 

Sounded like a plan.

Speaking of sounds, somebody tumbled on the bed next to me. "I wonder if there's some virus going around," said the nurse. "Rest, sweetie. Can either of your grandparents come pick you up? No? Don't worry, no one will bother you here."

A coarse, blue curtain separated the  infirmary beds. I'd chosen the one at the corner, because of course I had. The other person must've laid next to it. "I'll try," said—

Oh dear.

"Hanamura?"