3.1 - Drowning (in discontentment)

The next day.

I woke up with an uncommon yet recognizable feeling. Discontent.

"Grrgh… Great."

My experiences showed that while it wasn't the worst in terms of intensity, the persisting quality of this particular emotion was sure to stick the entire weekend. The precious weekend I had been looking forward to, just like anyone else. I didn't even attempt to raise myself from my bed, I knew it'd be futile. I grabbed one of my heart shaped pillows. It was time to face it honestly: I had failed another date.

Perhaps it could be said that I was being too unfair—didn't I enjoy my time, and even make a new friend? Yeah, sure, it was unfair. I had no rights in complaining. But that's what I felt, anyway. I'm sorry, beautiful Umi-san. I wish you the best, but this wasn't what I wanted.

I rolled over to my side in the bed. It's not like… I liked her that way. I was only interested in her as a person, as a potential friend. Why, though? Why wasn't cupid shooting any arrows when it came to me? I was in love before, but it was as one sided as they come. I was the only human being I knew that never had a relationship before, with the exception of Oonishi-san. However, he… Well, he was quite different from me; he was most happy and satisfied with his solo lifestyle. But me? But me???

I smashed my head onto my pillow. I felt my lips tremble. God, if you were going to make me chronically single like this, why didn't you at least make me disinterested in this love stuff in the first place?!

I glanced at my gigantic manga collection with the corner of my eye. Yeah… I could have used some disinterest!

After pondering on a few more gloomy thoughts, I finally decided to get up. I could at least try to enjoy my solo life, huh? For this reason, I headed straight to the bathroom. My sacred space. Whenever the troubles of the world surrounded me from all sides, this was my place of refuge. I smiled at the beautiful space I had created with much care. A beautiful mirror decorated with the pictures of some female idols I liked (for inspiration!), colorful bottles full of self-care goodness, and a radio to play uplifting tunes, as I spent a good portion of my time here. Oh, and I can't forget to mention candles. Scented candles, which were sort of my special interest. Nearly all the rooms in my apartment had some scattered around.

Since I only intended to spend a short time for now, I skipped lighting the candles, but I would never skip on listening to music first thing in the day. With the push of a button, an infectious pop song enveloped the small bathroom. It was the newest song of a popular high school girls' group! I couldn't help the smile appearing on my tired face, nor ignore the rhythm prompting my body to move around a bit more energetically.

"Thank you girls, this is just what I needed!"

After I was done with my (much needed) skin care session and my breakfast, I sat down on my bed again. The illusion of feeling fine dissipated the moment my hands didn't have anything to keep busy with.

Hmm.

…

Just as I had expected, this feeling wouldn't leave my side anytime soon. I threw my body onto the bed with a thump sound. I felt like I had no choice but to face some thoughts if I wanted to reach mental peace, as soon as possible. Gazing upon my light hanging from on the ceiling, I began pondering.

What did I want? Love.

In what way did I want it? In the way that I'd be special to someone.

Why? It was my childhood dream.

How so? Seeing couples both fictional and real, I dreamed of having my own romance when I grew up. …and now that I had grown up, all I had in my hands was a huge zero. Hell! Considering I had even fallen in love before—only for it to be extremely one sided and painful?—it could even be in negative marks.

A negative love life. Why? How?? What should I even do??? As much as I could answer the previous questions, these three always remained without responses.

I mean, I was going on dates and all that—and it's not like my personality and looks were that bad. I just wasn't anyone's 'type' I suppose… But how was that my fault?!

It… was true that I had been a bit dishonest in the majority of my dates. I tried to fit more into society's ideas of a 'man', hoping that it'd raise my chances in finally impressing someone. But my friends and dear coworker were right… I hadto be myself, first and foremost. If I wanted that true love and care, then yes, only Yuuma Matsushima would be allowed to bask in its warm sunshine, not my forced alter egos.

But then… How honest was I being, even to myself? Was I presenting myself in a way that was exactly how I wished to be, or was I still holding back? Despite loving colorful and sparkling stuff, the majority of my wardrobe were subdued colors or designs, and I'd always hide my laptop's wallpaper from my coworkers whenever they passed by. So what—it was just a collage wallpaper of some girl groups I liked! What was the crime if they happened to learn? I was even sure that some of them already recognized the melodies I'd hum to myself as I worked. Forget that—I had even heard some of my coworkers discussing about an idol, but I never got the guts to join their conversation.

Why? Why?? Why???

All of this "I want to be loved!" crap and I can't even be true to myself. How would anyone love me like this? Perhaps that could be the first step… Truly recognizing myself: my needs, my hopes, my likes and bringing them to my life. Before I got in a relationship with someone, it would be optimal to work on myself first… For sure! I raised myself on the bed, ready to take on the first step.

However, right on that moment: a dark emotion bloomed inside of me.

No. I didn't want to work hard for this. Millions of people were in a relationship, with their incomplete, dishonest, and flawed selves. Why not me?

I felt myself clench my jaw. It was unlike me to get plagued with such negative thoughts, but there was no getting back from this. Negativity started to unfold from all parts and corners of my being. I wanted love, now. Was it selfish? I didn't care!

I knew it though… I knew it was impossible for me. All I was… it was being an eternally single excuse of a man. I loved looking pretty and getting compliments from women about how clear my skin was—but what was the point? I wasn't anyone's type with my existence like this. Didn't that basically mean that I am… Unattractive. Things like "pretty!" or "kind!" didn't matter because that was the harsh truth. I was unattractive, I couldn't attract anyone to my life.

Maybe… the problem was my personality. It's true that I mostly kept to myself, even though I enjoyed the company of others. I would consider myself thoughtful and polite. Sometimes funny. Sometimes charming. Even then, it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Love… It'd never visit the likes of me.

Was it even real? It was so easy on shoujo manga—boy and girl meet, they immediately click and you know that by the final chapters, they're as good as married. But real life wasn't like that. Forget about me, it wasn't even like that for my dearest friends. Not even for my divorced parents. Some of my neighbors were married, some even with kids—but were they happy? I didn't know. What was "love" even? What was I yearning for so badly…?

It's the shoujo romance. I want those sparkles flying. I want that irresistible connection. I want the flowers and the dresses and the secret dates and the drama and the… I want the love. I want the romance.

Alas, fiction is just fiction, ain't it? It's something that would only remain on the pages of the volumes of manga. It had nothing to do with reality. Especially mine.

And the sooner I realized this… The better it'd be.

I laid back on my bed. I didn't feel like doing a thing now. I turned my back to my phone, and even if it kept on vibrating with notifications, I couldn't be bothered to check. I was… too tired of this. Tired of everything.

Tired of myself.