One Small Wish, Even for Someone Like Me

New Year's came and went, and Seigo Kurokami disappeared from the internet.

When I went to send Hashigami a message after my late-night shift on Christmas Eve finished, wishing her a merry Christmas and asking if she had been doing okay, both her personal and online LIME accounts were no longer in my contacts. Assuming it was a glitch, I emailed her with the account I sent her my rough drafts with- and the email bounced.

At that point, despite telling myself to stay calm over and over again, I couldn't stop thinking about Hashigami. Every free second I had, I was wondering where she was and if she was doing okay, and the anxiety worsened and worsened until by New Year's, every waking thought I had revolved around her.

I realize now that this must be what Manago felt when I disappeared from Aodai without a word. I probably deserve this for bringing it on others- but it doesn't feel good.

On New Year's Eve, as I lay in my tattered old futon, watching the snow drift to the ground outside, I finally got an email. But it wasn't from Hashigami.

Dear user,

We regret to inform you that your novel [The Hero's Facing His Greatest Challenge Yet!] has not been selected as a finalist in the New Year's Dash 2024 Writing Contest. While the judges enjoyed reading your novel, unfortunately there were too many interesting novels for the number of finalist slots that we had available, and your novel was not selected-

My blood running cold, I tabbed over to the front page of N*rou, hoping it was a mistake. But it wasn't. The nine finalist novels were displayed on the front page of the website, and the story of Alfred and his harem was not among them.

I had made it past the first hurdle and fallen at the second- just like I thought, I was walking away from the contest empty-handed, with nothing to show for it but a few thousand meaningless internet points and hours of mine and Hashigami's time that we could never get back. It would have honestly been less painful for me to not make the semifinals- because that way, I would have never gotten my hopes up.

Reality is seeping back in. I had deluded myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could win that 1 million. I was stupid to have hope. I’m never escaping this miserable life. I worked and worked and worked, and in the end it was all for nothing. That’s how my life is going to go until the day I die, I guess. I’ll keep trying and trying, but I’ll never be able to leave the Kyoudai Mart, or the shack I’m forced to call home. I’ll never be able to leave Aomori. I’ll stay here, being kept awake at night wondering if I’ll have enough money to keep the electricity on and food in my belly, until I’m finally released from this mortal plane.

And to top it all off, the rejection wasn’t even the worst thing I saw that night.

At the bottom, on the Trending Novel ticker, What Lies Behind the Curtains had disappeared. I went to search for Farsly and Liliane and it was gone, too. So was Orchardtown.

The user Seigo Kurokami no longer existed.

Hashigami had vanished without a trace, and I had no way to contact her. I closed my laptop and lay in bed, staring at the snow falling outside, until my body finally gave in to sleep. The next day, I didn't get out of bed. It was New Year's Day, and I didn't go on a shrine visit. I didn't even feel like eating or drinking.

Why did fate have to snatch away even the tiniest crumbs of happiness I had in my life? Am I really the unluckiest person to ever live? I honestly think I am at this point.

When I was around Hashigami...my life still sucked, but it sucked a tiny bit less. And apparently I can't even have that.

The days have stretched into weeks with no sign of her. The only thing I can do is check around at places I know she likes to go- but my schedule doesn't line up with a high schooler's. And I'm making the assumption that she's stayed around instead of left. For all I know, she might be in Okinawa by now. If she's left Aomori already, like she said she would, then I have no chance of ever finding her again.

Just like every other day, the Utou Bridge is empty today. I lean over the metal rail, almost too cold to touch, sighing as I look down into the churning river below. I don't know why I keep turning my head to check for Hashigami, as if she'll just magically appear beside me, peering out into the distance. Just as I expected, the sidewalk on the bridge is still empty. The only thing on it is a carpet of snow about a half-meter thick. Behind me, every now and again, a car tries to slowly navigate the icy slush on the roads. Nobody else is walking- it's too cold for anyone to be out, except for people who are either crazy or desperate. Like me.

In Aomori, the only constants are the snow, and the ice, and the wind.

I've checked the bridge almost every day. It's a trek to ride the bus to the city center and back every day, and it's eating through what little money I have saved, but I don't care. Normally, I would be horrified at how many yen I’m wasting, but I want to see her again. No...I need to. It's the only thing I have to look forward to.

I breathe out slowly. My breath forms a wispy cloud, slowly curling around my face, while the wind blows, piercing my thin jacket. I can't stay here much longer, unless I want to turn into a human Garigari-kun (Nerd Flavor).

...Not that I would care if I did at this point.

Time for me to make another stop. I've not just visited the bridge. I've also walked around downtown, to several stores near Seishin...even to the front gate of Seishin itself. Every single time, I've never seen any sign of Hashigami. I'm trying to hold out hope that maybe one day I'll catch a glimpse of the ribbons in her hair, but my optimism is growing fainter and fainter.

A bell jingles, a wave of warm air hits me in the face, and eighteen cats stop what they're doing to greet me. Well...that's what I wish would happen. Most of them don't even move. A couple stretch, but most of them remain sleeping, and a few of them look in my direction and then immediately go back to lazing around when they realize I'm the one who walked through the door. There's no one else in the cat cafe at the moment- figures. It's 3 pm on a Tuesday. Most everyone is at work and school, and those who aren't are at home. If I had any sense, I'd be holed up in my apartment underneath the futon, too, waiting out the entire month of February for the snow to melt. But I don't. That's why I've been spending every free second and yen trying to search for Hashigami even though I know in the back of my mind that I'd probably have a better chance winning the lottery than ever seeing her again.

"Welcome!" The matronly lady behind the counter looks up as the doorbell rings. "Sakuta? Here again?" Kirishima's brow furrows as she casts a glance at me.

"Yes..." I sigh as I make my way to the counter, scanning the room. No sign of Hashigami today, just like every other day- or any life at all except for me, the cafe owner, and the cats. "Thirty minutes, please, Kirishima-san."

"¥550," the manager replies, and I begrudgingly hand over one of the last couple of coins I have left in my pocket. "Anything to drink?" she asks, giving me a long glance. "You ought to warm up...it's awful cold out there."

"No, thanks. I'm fine for today." The expression on her face changes to disappointment. I can tell she thinks I'm crazy for being out wearing so few layers in the middle of a cold snap. Maybe I am. "Listen, have you-"

"Seen Hanabi? No. She still hasn't been here since the last time you came."

"I see." Slowly and dejectedly, I take a seat in one of the plush armchairs, staring down at the wooden floor. All around me, the cats sleep and groom themselves, but not a single one comes to greet me, even though I'm here multiple times a month. Figures. I'm so broke and lame, even animals don't want anything to do with me.

This place is so cold and empty without her.

A soft clink sounds next to me, and I turn and see the cafe owner gently placing a saucer down at the small table beside my chair, steam pouring out the top. "It's on the house."

"T-thank you." One of my fingers brushes against the cup, and I recoil quickly. It's way too hot.

"I'm worried about you, Sakuta." The woman gives me a downcast look. "You're over here all the time, in weather this bad...I'm afraid you'll get sick."

"...Shouldn't you be worried about Hashigami instead?"

"Maybe. She was a good customer." Kirishima shrugs. "And she meant a lot to you. I can tell from how often you ask about her."

"Yeah." That's really all I can say as I cast my dejected gaze over the rug-covered floor.

"Can I give you some advice? As someone who's been there before."

"...Go ahead, I guess."

"I know you're upset, but at a certain point it's not worth it. You need to find out what that point is yourself. There are so many other people out there- you can't live your entire life with a broken heart."

"Huh? It's not a-"

"Food for thought." Kirishima strides back toward the counter before I can get in my rebuttal.

A broken heart?

The coffee has cooled enough for me to pick it up, and I stare into the murky darkness. I never used to drink coffee until I met Hashigami. She introduced me to it.

What do I really think of her?

She said we were friends. So that's what I assume we were. But are these feelings that are swirling around in my brain really just friendship? If she was only a friend, would I spend so much time and money for nothing other than a slim chance that I'd see her again?

I enjoyed being around her. I looked forward to talking to her every day, and when we went out I genuinely had fun- something I thought that I'd never do after my life went down the drain. And now that she's not around anymore, I can't stop thinking about her.

I don't want to lose her.

Is that love?

If it's not, what else could it be?

There's a gentle rubbing against my leg. I look down to see a chocolate-colored cat leaning with all her weight against me.

When I said all the cats could care less about me visiting them, there was one exception.

"Hey, Mocha..." I mutter, reaching down to scratch her behind the ears.

With one fluid motion, the cat jumps up and perches on the arm of the chair, staring at me with her big golden eyes.

"Do you miss her too?" I mutter.

The cat says nothing back. Of course she doesn't. She's a cat. Instead, she blinks slowly.

...Her eyes look like Hashigami's. Wide, deep, and I feel like they're looking straight through me.