Feeble Promise

The rain tapped at the windowsill. Ayasa had dragged herself over to a chair, lost in thought. I took a moment to grab the knife from out of the floor mat. I slipped it onto a shelf, out of the way. I didn’t think Ayasa was going to go after me again, but what did that matter? I hadn’t expected her to lash out like that in the first place. If she went on her guard again…

“I can’t.”

Hmm?

“Can’t what? Trust me?”

“No.”

She was still on her guard, after all. She knew I wasn’t a spy or any kind of immediate threat to her, and still, she couldn’t bring herself to put any faith in me. That was fine. That was understandable. I’d never been straightforward with her in the first place. It wasn’t going to be that easy.

“Can you at least tell me why?”

“No. I can’t.”

And like that, Ayasa shut herself in again. There wouldn’t be any more progress today. I’d come back next week and-

No. I couldn’t. There was no next week. Next week, I’d be in Okinawa. Who knew how long? The summer? A year? If I didn’t break through to her today, there wouldn’t be any chance to follow up for a long time.

I reconsidered it, briefly. Was it even necessary to do this? Ayasa was fine being Sayu. Well, “fine” might have been a strong word for it, but she could tolerate being Sayu. She’d have to remain Sayu at school, anyway- at least, for the time being. So what was I hoping to accomplish here? To have Ayasa trust me? She didn’t need to trust me to survive. She was already a survivor. What did I even add to this picture? I had been her lifeline for a few days after she first came to the South, but now she was completely independent of me? Who would care if I left? Sayu would still be Sayu- and underneath that, Ayasa would still be Ayasa.

Just then, Ayasa spoke up again. Her refusal wasn’t as definitive as I was expecting.

“I...I have some connections. I’m not important personally, but..”

“Connections?”

“I’m sorry, Touma. I can’t tell you more. You shouldn’t be involved in this.”

“I’m already involved, aren’t I?”

“Not as deeply as you think. Please, keep it that way. For your own sake.”

Ayasa was curled up on the chair now, combing through her bangs with her fingers. It reminded me of Miho’s nervous tic, at least a little. Maybe it meant the same thing for her.

“I can handle it.”

Ayasa sighed.

“It will be dangerous for both of us. There’s no value in telling you- it doesn’t change who I am. All it does is put you on a list.”

“Are the Redeyes after you?”

Ayasa brushed aside her bangs.

“‘After me’ is one way of putting it. I don’t think it’s in the way you think, though.”

“Are they going to…you know…”

“Make me ‘disappear’?”

I didn’t want to bring up something that grim, but Ayasa picked up on it instantly.

“No. Well, again, not in the way you think.”

“When we went to Karaoke, you told me-”

“I told you what you wanted to hear. What you were expecting to hear.”

“Why lie, then- if you weren’t in any danger?

Ayasa glared at me. I guess it was a little hypocritical of me to ask something like that.

“Because I am in danger. It’s just in a different way than you think.”

“You can tell me.”

Ayasa thought about this for a moment, but came back as resolutely as before.

“You shouldn’t get involved in this, Touma. Nothing good will come of it.”

Maybe it was time to change tack.

“Will they come after you here? In the South?”

“Yes. It doesn’t matter where.”

“I’ll protect you.”

Ayasa let out an involuntary chuckle. I wasn’t trying to tell a joke.

“You can’t. Not against something like this.”

“I’ll get stronger, then.”

Ayasa let out another laugh.

“It’s not a question of strength. You could be a superman and you wouldn’t be able to stop them. They don’t strike when you’re ready and waiting for them. They’re too smart for that. It’ll be the places you least expect. Your friends- people you thought were your friends, that is- your enemies, and even people you have nothing to do with. They’ll find a way to you. And if you get in the way, Touma…”

“I won’t let them past me.”

“See? That’s the attitude they love. You’ll think they will never get past you, and they’ve already been behind you the entire time. That’s how they get you.”

“You speak like you’ve experienced this.”

“I told you a long time ago. You wouldn’t get it unless you lived in the North.”

A resigned smile had grown onto Ayasa’s face. It was like we were back to our old selves- though really, we had never been here before. Never, except for a few fleeting moments at the disco when we didn’t have a clue about each other.

“I don’t care what it’s like in the North. I’ll make sure they can’t come after you.”

Ayasa didn’t laugh this time, but her attitude hadn’t changed.

“You still don’t know what you’re messing with.”

“I don’t care. I promise- no matter what happens- I’ll find you. Sayu, Ayasa- it doesn’t matter. Whoever you want to be, I’ll make sure nothing stops you.”

Ayasa sounded a slow, falling whistle.

“Whooooooo. How bold.”

She glanced away.

“You know you’re in no position to promise that.”

“I’ll make sure it happens.”

“Yeah. I’m sure you will.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Ayasa didn’t believe me- but it kind of sounded like she wanted to. I didn’t believe myself, either. Ayasa was right. I wasn’t in any position to protect her myself. I couldn’t even see who was after her. Somehow, after convincing myself to cut through all my bluster and tell the truth, I was still being tempted to write checks I couldn’t cash. Even if I could guard her personally, that would all end by the end of the week.

“It’s getting late, Touma.”

“Hmm? Oh, crap!”

The sun wasn’t out, but the sundown curfew was still in effect. I had maybe 30 minutes to get home before the patrols started asking questions.

“You think I could…”

Ayasa glared back at me, but that same resigned smile stayed on her face.

“Stay the night? That’s pretty bold for someone who just tried to attack you. As soon as I find where you put that knife…”

“...So is that a yes, or…?”

Ayasa got serious for a moment.

“No. Go home. It’s too dangerous for you here.”

“Because of you?”

“No. Figure out the rest yourself.”

I thought about protesting for a moment, but I still wasn’t sure if Ayasa was serious about the knife thing. No, I had to go home anyway. My father might start asking uncomfortable questions if I didn’t make it back before curfew. I couldn’t risk the chance of being caught out, either- now was not the time to get hauled off. Maybe there was a way to get Ayasa more protection than I could offer her by myself. All those doors would close if I got flagged as a suspicious person first.

Ayasa lent me her umbrella again. There was still a light rain outside as the dark clouds soaked the city in a steely blue twilight. I made my way down the stairs- those same stairs where Miho had finally called me out.

I don’t know when I realized what I had been doing all this time. Maybe it was that day on the roof when Ayasa had melted away into Sayu- no, probably it had already happened before that. Maybe I had realized what Miho had meant all along, and just hadn’t wanted it to be the truth.

Ayasa was good at wearing masks. It wasn’t out of any malice- just simple self-preservation. When I had given- no, “given” is not the right word- when I had foisted the persona of Sayu onto her, she had slipped it on because her survival instinct told her to. It was a meaningless, vapid personality which served only to help her not get caught. It must have been a terrible burden- all the greater when I had come in and thoughtlessly tried to rip that mask off.

And yet, for all its burdens, there seemed to be some freedom in Sayu. Sayu didn’t have to worry about the power struggle behind the scenes- all she was worried about was the same thing any normal high school girl worried about. It was no wonder she liked it. It wasn’t my place at all to decide whether it was fake.

I passed the lowest step. What awaited me was something else that I assumed at the time was meaningless, too. That same black European car- the illegally-parked one Miho had dented- was back, parked in its usual spot. I didn’t pay any attention to it. It had blended in with the background by now. I had more important things to worry about.

I wish I hadn’t let that little detail just slip by.

The next morning, Sayu Midorikawa was absent from school.

Ayasa was gone.