Confession

Ayasa’s grip tensed around the knife she was using to cut up her meal.

“I already told you. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“That’s not true.”

“Says who?”

“I do.”

“What makes you qualified to say that?”

“A hunch.”

Ayasa leaned back a little. She was still keeping a tight hold on that knife, though.

“My story isn’t interesting. You already know most of it. I was a student in the North. I had an average life. I kept my head down, like everybody else. Do you really need to know anything else?”

I didn’t get the sense that she was lying. All of that stuff was verifiably true- and yet I still felt as if something big was missing- that I was gazing through a smoke cloud, missing the figure hiding within.

“Why were you at the disco that night? The night that we met?”

“I already told you. It’s the only place to listen to Southern songs.”

Was that true? Sure, even outdated technology like CD players might be hard to come by in the North, but there was something funny about that.

“Couldn’t you just use a radio?”

It was a foreign concept to people under the age of 30, but you could get a cheap radio anywhere and listen for free. It was the same way that people in the North were (at least hypothetically) buying bootleg digital TV tuners to watch TV from across the border. There was just no way the Northern government could get a leash on something that ubiquitous.

“I could. It’s not a question of technology. It’s a matter of timing.”

“Timing? Why?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“I think I would, if you told me.”

“No, you wouldn’t. If I listened to the radio in the wrong place-”

Ayasa paused. She looked like she was carefully plotting her next words. I finished the thought for her.

“You’d get in trouble? I thought you told me it was just a slap on the wrist.”

“That- That’s usually true. For most people.”

“Meaning, not you in particular.”

Ayasa’s unsteady breathing belied a hint of fight-or-flight instinct kicking in. There it was- in the cloud of smoke, finally, traces of the real Ayasa. It was something about her that made a minor infraction into a serious crime.

“And?”

She was trying to redirect the conversation. This was the break I needed.

“Who are you, really?”

“Ayasa. Or Sayu, if you prefer. I’d prefer it if you'd prefer Sayu.”

Another attempt to shut me down. This was something big.

“No. I don’t think you are.”

Ayasa didn’t respond.

“Is ‘Ayasa Higashiyama’ really your name?”

It happened in an instant. One second, Ayasa was across the table- and the next, she was up against my face. In another time, this might have been nice. The steak knife she was holding to my throat killed any of the romance, though.

“Who do you work for?”

“H-Huh? I’m a student!”

“BorPol?”

That name rang a bell- they were the ones who shot at us on the night of our escape from the North.

“What? No, why would I work for the-”

“CitPol?”

“No, I’m not a Northern-”

“CIA, then?”

Ayasa knew an awful lot of covert organizations.

“No, I can’t even speak English!”

“ROJIS, then?”

“...what?”

It was an acronym, but one I’d never heard of. A Russian organization, maybe?

“Republic of Japan Intelligence Service.”

“The Republic doesn’t- Look, if you would please put down the knife, we could-”

Ayasa’s glare broke for a second, unprepared for this. It was only a second, though- the next, she was back in interrogation mode.

“So, what does ROJIS want with me?”

“I just told you, I’m not a spy! The Republic doesn’t even have a spy agency!”

Ayasa didn’t roll her eyes, but I was close enough to her face to tell she wanted to.

“Are you playing dumb, or just stupid? That whole ‘not having spies’ thing is just propaganda. The South just wants to look like they don’t do all the same things as the North.”

That was strange. It was like a line from a Northern propaganda film.

“I think that’s a little- ow!”

Ayasa was pressing the knife into my shoulder blade. It made a tiny little cut, magnified by the terror of her glare.

“-I’m not a spy!”

“Prove it, then.”

I couldn’t prove that I wasn’t something. It was a devil’s proof. Any explanation I could give would just be countered with the accusation that I was lying, or that I had done it just to look like I wasn’t a spy. Miho’s warning may have been right- it really had been too soon to press Ayasa on this.

“What have I done that makes you think I’m a spy?”

“You’ve done many things.”

“Such as?”

“Why were you in the North in the first place?”

“I was trying to make money. Kanamaru said we could-”

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

“It’s true, though!”

Wait, was it true? Why had I even convinced myself that I needed that money in the first place? It was a lot of money, but what was I going to do with all that? Buy a game console? Clothes? Invest it in the stock market? I had made up some vague excuse at the time- something about a summer full of partying and living the life- but now that seemed ridiculous. I wasn’t that kind of person. I never was.

No, wait. That was the way out of this- I couldn’t disprove that I was some kind of agent from any real or imagined security organization, but I could prove that I was Touma Nishizawa - dumb high school freshman in way over his head. I had been lying to Ayasa since the moment we met- about so many things. Where I was from. What kind of music I liked. Why I had taken her hand that night. Even something as simple as how much money I had in my pocket had been something I had instinctively lied about. Why? To make myself look good?

Hiroki and Miho had both seen through my lies so easily. Why did I believe Ayasa would be fooled when they hadn’t been? If Ayasa was any good at picking up on lies, it was natural that she wouldn’t trust me. It was no wonder she preferred being Sayu. It was survival instinct- among liars, lie. The only way to get past that was with the truth- no matter how much I might want to die of embarrassment. It was time to confess.

“No, that’s not why I went.”

Ayasa’s glare didn’t break at this revelation.

“I’m waiting.”

“I went to the North... to see you.”

“Huh?”

She was skeptical, still. This could still be another one of my tricks, after all.

“I tagged along with Kanamaru and his goons. They just wanted to make a quick buck. I was hoping to see you there.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. We met that night.”

“Well…yeah. I wasn’t expecting to actually meet you. It was just a nice thought at the time.”

“You didn’t even know me!”

It was working. Slowly, Ayasa was losing her edge. Her grip on the knife was loosening. It was too ridiculous of a yarn to stay mad at.

“I did, though. Not your name, but I knew you existed.”

“Don’t start on any of that ‘destiny’ crap, now. Why were you really-”

“No! No. Not like that. I mean, I had seen you before.”

“Where? Tell me.”

“At school. Your building faces Akiba North. You can see into the 3rd floor classrooms from the annex building.”

“That must be hundreds of meters-”

“It’s not that far.”

“So you saw me in the third floor classroom?”

“Every afternoon, during sixth period.”

“And?”

“And? I wanted to meet you. That’s why I went along with Kanamaru’s stupid plan.”

Ayasa stepped back a bit, trying to process the situation. The glare on her face remained, but the rest of her body seemed more perplexed than ready to jump into action.

“But that still doesn’t make any sense. You had no way of knowing I’d be at the Disco.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense. That’s just what I was thinking at the time.”

“But…”

“Does that prove I’m not a spy?”

“No. Why’d you drag me along with you back to the south, then?”

“Why do you think I did it?”

“I assumed you were trying to blackmail me or use me.”

“Are you that important?”

“I- wait, I’m asking the questions here. Why did you lead me to the South?”

“I just wanted to spend more time with you.”

Ayasa let go of the knife. It made a dull thud and lodged itself in the tatami mat she was standing on. Hiroki would kill me if he knew what kind of danger I was putting his apartment into.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I wasn’t thinking. I made a bunch of excuses about trying to protect you. That was all just bluster.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know…”

I was letting myself slip back into lies. That had to end, or Ayasa would never trust me.

“...No. I do know. I wanted to be dating someone like Sayu.”

“What does Sayu have to do with this? I thought you made that up-”

“You were Sayu.”

Ayasa was bracing herself against the wall. Her fear had been entirely supplanted by bewilderment. It was apparently too much of a change for her to stand straight.

“I was Sayu? What does that mean?”

“Sayu was what I imagined you were like, in person. Cheerful, energetic, nice to everyone, and a bit-”

“Stop. Stop. Where were you getting this from?”

“I told you. It was just what I imagined you’d be like.”

Ayasa took a deep breath and steadied herself. It seemed like her guard was still up, but at the same time, she wasn’t treating me as a threat.

“You dragged me along… because you thought I’d be nice to date?”

It sounded so stupid when she said it like that. It probably was that stupid.

“Yeah. That’s about the gist of it.”

“Not because you were trying to blackmail me?”

“Blackmail? I don’t even know who you really are. I only know you’re definitely not Sayu.”

Ayasa didn’t respond. She seemed like she couldn’t decide whether to laugh, cry, or pick the knife up and attack me again. All she could do was keep holding herself up against the wall. Finally, she replied in a low voice.

“You’re not a spy.”

“No.”

“You’re not a spy. You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah. I am.”

“Why tell me? Why tell me now, after all this?”

“I want you to trust me, Ayasa.”