XXV. or not to care

One of the first things my not coach told me when I quit was that I did not, in fact, have to quit, even if it'd be hard to keep me on the team, were my symptoms to worsen. It seemed pointless to me, though, so I ignored him. What would I be, then? A pet? 

Anyway, I left the club and didn't go to school for a week so that by the time I went back, Hanamura forgot about her little joke at the infirmary, and currently dated Kenji.

Not.

With my head still bowed, I began: "To be or not to be—"

"Watanabe-kun, wait—"

"—that is the question."

"I said—"

"Whether it's nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of, um, fortune...?"

"Why Hamlet?" Asked Murase.

"Wait, no... outrageous fortune, or to..." for multiple reasons, reciting a soliloquy while bowing was Herculean a task, so I stood back up. Murase looked as me like I'd just told her I boiled children for fun. Still, I went on. I coughed, then went on. To care or not to care? To try or not to try?

"Um. It's. It's fine. Please."

"—thus conscience does makes cowards of us all—"

"No more."

By the end, I'd run out of voice, demonic or not, so I whispered. Why Hamlet? Because we had to learn a soliloquy last year and I was basic. Even then, I'd messed up a lot, and I knew it. I hadn't even acted. 

"Why now?" She asked. "Why couldn't you do this before? And why that?"

To say I'd run out of voice was not hyperbole. "I..." oh, well. "It's uh. Metaphorically resonant?"

"I'm. I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying..."

"What I'm saying is that I'm sorry for dying, perchance dreaming, instead of taking arms against a sea of troubles. Please let me back into this lame club. Or I'll kneel."

Murase looked around, distressed. 

"Just let him back in, seriously," said a newcomer. Hoshino came walking toward us, hands behind her back. To look her way—at the stage—meant to realize half that the club stared at me, which... fair enough. I'd also be surprised if... I don't know, Murase started juggling? I don't know. 

I curtsied, for this was a theater, after all. That was enough to get them to fuck off. 

Murase began, "But didn't you say that..." to then trail off. 

Due to my position, I caught Hoshino shaking her head from the corners of my eyes. "Why are you kicking out one of two boys who can actually sing? What are you doing?"

"But didn't you..."

Okamoto hopped off her boxes, waving a hand at me the way one would a dog. Obviously, I ignored her, which made her stomp as though the floor were to blame. But no. She was to blame. For existing against everyone's consent. 

Hoshino said, "If leaves, so will I."

"Eh?" Murase forgot how to slouch all of a sudden.

"Eh?" I almost forgot about what she was for a moment.

Pleased with this reaction, (did she forget to be a chameleon?) Hoshino tilted her head, smiling. (That wasn't something people did in real life. Perhaps she hadn't forgotten.) "You said this club was all about opportunities, right?"

Murase adjusted her glasses, baffled. 'but didn't you...' say what? Had Hoshino been one of the complainers? I looked back at Okamoto, who shook her head at me. 

Well then.

Whatever.

This would go nowhere unless I tried again. I wanted to. I could accept I wanted to. So I did: "Tis now the very witching time of night—"

"He's doing it again," lamented Murase.

"—when churchyards yawn, and—"

"Please... stop..."

"—hell itself breathes out—"

"Really sounds like hell breathing out." That was Hoshino. 

"Contagion to this world—"

Murase gripped my face. Not covered my (masked) mouth—gripped. "No more," she pleaded. "I have no idea what you're saying anymore, just... stop. You're still in, okay? You're still in. I owe you one, anyway. But. You'll have to promise that you won't skip anymore."

I nodded. 

"You have to promise you'll try."

I nodded.

"And if you're not joking and you really want to be the queen, then... don't only try. Do your best. Okay? Okamoto-san is the best singer we have this year."

Murase let me go. Quite convenient, since I could glance at Hoshino that way. She wasn't smiling anymore. She said, "The important part is acting, anyway."

...which I also sucked at, while Okamoto was an 'ace', on top being a... well... girl... to play another girl. "Yes" said Murase. "Since the princess role is probably going to get a second round of auditions, you guys can, um, wait until then. I'll ask Okamo—"

"Fine by me," replied Okademon. Just when had she showed up? Hoshino visibly moved away at the new presence. "No point in winning if my opponent is handicapped."

It was the literality of the word that got me. "Your mom is handicapped."

"My mom's dead."

Oh fuck. "Like your sense of humor."

"...listen, you piece of—"

Murase stood up, which made Okamoto flinch. Weak. "I have something to do, so I'll..."Murase trailed off. "Oh, right. Watanabe-kun. Please go rest."

"Now might I d—"

"No."

"—do it pat time he is praying." 

This chased her off. (Good. I only knew the first couple lines from that soliloquy.) Hoshino and Okamoto stayed, however. I couldn't grin in peace, even with the face mask. I couldn't be happy in peace. I couldn't be. "I'm so glad you're still in," lied Hoshino. "It would've sucked to see you go. Especially for Okamoto."

"Eh?" That was her.

"Ew." That was me.

Hoshino stole my grin, which was why it didn't fit her. "I'll let you two be. Before I go, though: do you want me to ask Izumi for help after he's done with his club?"

Since when were they on a first-name basis? "I'm fine," I said, which made her squint, so I shook my head instead.

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"But Izumi told me that—"

"I'm fine, I said." I made cutting motions with my hand. Confusing message, but she seemed to get it. Moreover, the ensuing shock seemed legitimate.

 As for Okamoto... why was she still here? As for Izumi... I'd kill him. What had he told her, exactly? Probably about my illness, so nothing good. This is why I hated telling anyone anything important. 

I almost told Hoshino right then and there about the encounter at the infirmary. About Hanamura's prank. It would've been funny to see her reaction. However, to do so would unveil the animosity, both from me pretending not to notice, and from her pretending to help while (rightfully, I had to admit) complaining about me to Murase. Now that Izumi and Hoshino seemed to have gotten closer... 

Wait, had she just—

"I'll be around if you change your mind," Hoshino said before turning on her heels.

She'd brought Izumi up just to call him by his name in front of me, hadn't she? 

Fuck, this is what I got for trying to set asocial friend #1 with a girl. "What?" I asked Okamoto, who still hadn't left.

She unreplied, "Are you in her spell or not?"

"Her what."

"So yes."

"No?"

Okamoto rolled her eyes. 

It didn't dawn on my until I'd gone back home and grilled by a demonic sister that she, too, had been able to understand me.