I’m being seduced. [Do-Over]

“…wha-?”

“Y’know, sex. Let’s do it.”

She gently puts her right hand to my check and leans toward me, our lips touching for a brief second before I pull back.

“Waiwaiwaiwaiwait, what’s happening? Why now?” I manage to get out, stammering through every word.

“You’re not feeling too good, right?”

“We- I mean, no, I rarely do after an episode like that?”

“Well, what better way to get rid of a bad feeling that by replacing it with a good one, right?” Her right hand still on my face, she starts to gently push me back with her left. “You don’t have to do anything, just let me take the lead.”

Me now lying on my back, Hanji leans all the way over me and let’s her lips meet mine again. She feels warm. It’s a feeling I’d happily savoury forever, and part of me tells me I should. That I should just do what she said and let it happen. And with blood flowing somewhere that certainly is not ny brain, for a moment I don’t think to fight it.

But even with every cell in my body telling me to just give into my impulses, something nags at me, and I can’t look past it.

When she looked at me, there was no feeling in her eyes. When she spoke to me, there was no emotion in her voice. When she kissed me, there was no affection on her tongue. There’s… nothing. Nothing at all. She’s not upset at me for my reaction, nor is she happy about what we’re doing. She seems to hold no feelings about this other than indifference.

‘Help those who help you.’ The words she from her rules. There’s no love. No affection. No passion. To her, this is nothing more than a trade. I helped her, and she’s repaying me.

This isn’t two people who care for each other affirming their feelings. Nor is it two friends fooling around for fun. It’s a debt she’s trying to repay with her body.

I… don’t want that.

“Hanji, wait.” I say, as I gently push her backwards and our faces break apart.

“What’s wrong? Can’t get it up?” Considering where she’s sat, she knows that’s not the problem, but I assume she’s joking. I, however, am not in the mood for jokes.

“This… whatever this is… is it just another transaction to you?” My voice wavers heavily as I speak, my nerves still through the roof.

“Hmm? I don’t get it. What else is sex but a transaction between two people to feel good?”

“I… kinda thought you’d say that.” I drag myself backwards away from her and sit up, knees to my chest. “Y’know, this sort of thing might just be a quick fuck for some easy good feels but… well, it’s more than that to me. It means something.” God, here I am, spilling my guts out to someone who’s practically a stranger. Not that she seems to understand a word I’m saying.

“Yeah, I still don’t get it. What else could it mean?”

“Well, it’s… an act of passion, right? Of affection?” Hanji’s face curls into a trading smile as I say this, which gives me nothing but bad a bad feeling of what’s to come.

“Wow, Taro. It’s not even been a full day yet, you already falling for me or something?”

“This isn’t a joke, Hanji.” I snap, and she looks completely taken aback. Not offended, but seemingly surprised as to my strong feelings on the matter. I should have expected that she wouldn’t understand. Someone like her never could. “I’m… sorry. I’m going back to my room.”

I step off the bed and walk around Hanji, who remains silent and with a contemplative look on her face. As I reach the door, I look back at her face before I leave. For a moment, I think I spot a pang of frustration or even hurt, but it’s likely nothing more than a delusion. How could someone like her be hurt at another person’s words?

People are no different to tools in her eyes. Yes, that’s probably it. She’s not hurt. She’s annoyed that she may have lost her new toy. You don’t get offended when your car breaks down, just frustrated that you can’t use it.

I’m a source of entertainment she thinks she’s lost access to. I was stupid to ever think I could become more than that.

I’m such a fucking idiot.

***

The irritating blare of my alarm kicks off my morning routine once again. Two sets of medication thrown back, and not an ounce of motivation to do anything else.

As I lay back in my bed, watching the minutes tick closer and closer to the time where getting up will cease to be optional, my mind dwells on the events of yesterday evening.

What was that? What the fuck was all that? The fuck happeend? In a single conversation, I not only nearly got seduced by a damned sociopath, I also somewhat implied I wanted real affection from her. Christ, what is wrong with me? There’s a sinking feeling in my gut and I can’t place why.

The loud rumbling of my stomach reminds me that I was so distressed that I forgot to eat dinner last night, instead opting to waste the rest of the day away lying in my bed.

A quick check if my timetable tells me that I have no lectures with Hanji today, which I suppose is a blessing I should be thankful for. To say things are likely to be ‘awkward’ is an understatement for the ages.

Just a computer science lecture in the afternoon. Gives me plenty of time to eat breakfast and reevaluate every awful life choice that has led me to this point.

I suppose this drops the number of friends I have back down to zero. Assuming I could even call Hanji “friend” in the first place.

God. I am so fucking stupid.