i'm a terrible person

Ootsuki Rima worked on some drinks by the time I stomped out of the kitchen. "Help me out with these, please," she greeted, gesturing at a row of drinks that'd begun piling up at the counter. 

I served them—one for the old lady that showed up around this time, one for the businessman, and one for some guy who wore sunglasses, a cap, and a scarf. Was he trying to draw attention on purpose? It didn't help that he erected the menu like a barrier between the counter and himself.

He could also be a fourth trial. Great, now I'd have to protect Youji again. Ootsuki Rima, too. At this rate I might as well just turn into a shield. 

Ootsuki Rima left a few mini sandwiches for me, but I didn't take them. Instead, I asked her, after the last customer had showed up more than twenty minutes ago: "Are you homeless?"

"...no?"

"Oh. Okay."

"Are you asking because I'm here all the time, or...?"

I nodded. 

"Uh. No, I'm not. That's all you need to know."

"Do you get along with your parents?"

"I'm not answering that."

She might've well have said 'no'.  Obviously, I didn't ask anything else, for I could anger her, and then she wouldn't tell me anything else. Also, I got along with my parents. I'd even told them there was someone I was 'interested in' so they'd stop pestering me about getting a girlfriend. If only they knew. Anyway, I'd long since stopped relying on deceit to earn somebody's trust. Aside from my parents.

"Hey, Kiryuuin. You can go to lunch if you want. I'll take care of things here."

"But."

"Shoo."

Come to think about it, they called it lunch, but the coffee shop opened at 2 P.M. This was more of a dinner, wasn't it? Then why the misnomer? I melted at the break room until I got a notification on my phone from the game Ootsuki Rima and I played about the new character banner. Oh, right, I'd told her I wanted this guy.

As if on cue, she burst into the break room. "Guess who I got! Guess!"

She must've opened the game the moment the banner came out. She got Not Youji before me. I was a fraud. "Congrats," I said. If she noticed the bitterness in my voice—which she probably did—then Ootsuki Rima didn't care, for she came to show her phone to me anyway. There he was, Not Youji. "I thought you said you didn't want him?"

"Yeah, I just did a ten pull on impulse. And look!"

...so she was one of those people. "...nice. My turn."

"Aw. I wish I could watch." I forgot there was no one else at the counter. Ootsuki Rima left after that. She'd literally only showed up to brag about her luck. 

Well.

She might have luck, but.

I had the power of money.

By the time Youji showed up, I'd spent half a month's worth of grocery funds already. "Hurry," I told him, "You have to be the one to do this."

"To wh—oh, your game."

He sat beside me instead of at the other side of the table. "Yes." I showed him my phone. "Go to, um. Pull ten. Do that."

You did. No gold. "Sorry. I'm not lucky with these things."

"Wait, you play?"

"A friend does. Whenever she tells me to 'try my luck' I end up wasting the... currency...?"

"That's okay. At some point, the character is guaranteed to show up. Just keep going until you see gold."

Youji literally hit the hard cap before the screen turned gold. Fuck. He wasn't kidding. Perhaps I should've told Ootsuki Rima to do this instead. Anyway, the character showed up on the screen along with particle effects, which made him look at me. I pretended not to notice. "That one?" He asked, like he didn't know the answer already.

"Yes. Um. K-keep going."

So Youji kept going. Since he'd lied to me before, I could think about how he was basically pulling himself in front of me at my command without me feeling guilty about the wording. "Oh! It's gold again!"

Why did he sound so enthusiastic about it? It wasn't even his game. Or his money. Now I felt guilty about the wording. I said, "Now do that five more times."

"Five? You must really like this..." he trailed off.

"...character, yeah. He's, um. He's my favorite."

Now I'd just embarrased us both. It kind of sucked that Youji was smart. If he'd been a moron like me then he probably wouldn't have noticed the similarities between Not Youji and him, and I would've been able to keep thinking depraved animal thoughts without feeling as though he'd suddenly developed telepathy. "I suck at this," he said, which activated my fight or flight response for no reason. "I know it's just basic probability, but it feels like... I'm not this unlucky when Miyo asks me to pull for her."

"T-that's fine. Keep going."

"If you say so."

I would've snatched the phone away and cleansed it off his cursed luck, but at some point, I'd learned my arm against his to watch, and I didn't want him to get stupid again and think he made me uncomfortable. Anything but. 

I'd always wondered how people could do these things without freaking out. Sometimes at college I saw girls leaning against each other, or a couple sit very, very close, and then a shiver would run down my spine. The... the closeness... disgusting...

Silly past me would've thought so, anyway. 

It wasn't as much about the physical contact itself, though, but the meaning behind it. How many times had they talked before they thought it'd be okay to lean on each other? Had they stayed up late together? Had they told each other things that mattered? After all, even I knew that finding someone to laugh with was infinitely easier than someone to cry in front of. I leaned my head on Youji's shoulder, closing my eyes. 

"Hey, look! Back to back!"

"That's nice..."

"Finally!"

Finding someone to laugh with was easier than someone to feel happy for, too. At least for me. Probably not for him. While it was reassuring to know that I wouldn't have to dump more money on Not Youji, the real one interested me more at the moment. Too bad that, to him, I seemed to be made of glass. "Kiss?" I asked or begged or ordered.

Shockingly, he complied or obeyed or had mercy on me. I'd get addicted to this at this rate. Since he thought I was made of glass, Youji tried to keep it short, but not me. His fingers on my jaw tightened a bit when I placed my hand on his thigh, but if I hadn't done that I would've fallen of the chair. That's what I told myself anyway. 

This was it. 

Time to use the knowledge I'd acquired. 

To. 

Wait, what if I was making him uncomfortable? 

How come I'd never considered that before? Not about this topic in particular. That was selfish of me. As usual. As expected from someone who wished to protect yet was poison most of the time. 

Youji's sigh broke the kiss. It was short, but so was the distance between us, which was how I knew he did that. I was probably the only one who did. "Sorry," he said, sitting straight. Hopefully that wouldn't be symbolic.

"What. Why are you." I cleared my throat. "Why are you apologizing..."

"Like I said before, you shouldn't force yourself."

"I'm not?"

"It's fine."

He wasn't listening. Throat.exe still worked, kind of; it's just that nothing else did. "There's no sorry to be had. Wait, no, I mean there's no. Fuck. I'm sick and tired. You know what? Look at my search history. Right now. I don't care anymore."

"It's fine, Isao. It's just, if you're not ready for—"

I shoved my search history on his face. He flinched a bit, as did my subconscious, but sometimes words weren't enough. 

"...oh wow..."

"There's also pictures."

Youji took my phone, then scrolled. I had to admit that he was improving at the maintaining-a-neutral-expression-to-avoid-chaos charade lately. 

"Look at the pictures."

"No thanks."

"See? It's not that I'm not read—"

Then I remembered.

As boss music played in the background, I remembered.

Not Youji's boss music played in the background as I remembered. 

I remembered.

"Um."

I remembered that I'd been looking at pretty racy fanart of him yesterday.

"Youji."

Doing... things with the (male) player character.

"Did you. Um. Did you look at the—"

Youji handed me back my phone. With his free hand, he covered his face. 

So he had.

"Are you. Um. Do you h—"

He stood up, then left.

So yes. 

He'd seen the pictures: just not the ones I wanted.

Which had been more ideas for mug patterns. 

So I had more than two next time he showed up. 

If he showed up again.

I stayed there, frozen, until Ootsuki Rima walked in to tell me, "You're ten minutes late."

I replied, "I'm going home."

"Huh? Do you feel sick or something?"

"Very."

"Oh, really... I guess I can cover for you."

"No."

"No?"

"I. I'm. Quitting. Bye."

"Wait, what?"

"Bye."

"But—"

I walked past her, past the door, past the street leading directly to my apartment. I wished it rained so things could be more dramatic, but no, it was sunny, because I couldn't even control the weather. Nothing mattered. It was whatever. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. I was off my rocker and everyone knew it and acted as though I was someone off my rocker who also had a bomb, or was a bomb, so I figured I might as well detonate at home. 

I uninstalled the game.