Look back

“Good evening, Stan.”

“Ah, good evening too, ma’am.”

As the middle-aged woman gestured her hand to welcome me into her home, I obliged her and stepped in.

The last time I went inside her apartment was years ago, my childhood times with Kiri. The place had never been filled with furniture and decoration suitable for a whole family, yet it used to be nonetheless full of humanity. And even though nothing has changed on the materialistic side, what I was in right now was nothing but a husk of what it used to be.

With a greyish tone that surrounds the four corners and multiple vacant spots, it was no wonder that I hesitated my steps with concern.

Stepping into the living room, she offered me a seat on the sofa just before the TV, and she sat down at the armchair next to it, right before asking me.

“So, have you guessed why I invited you here?”

To answer her question, I first needed to look back on what caused me to be here in the first place.

Today was nothing short of another casual day, everything went on as usual until the last period when the woman, Kiri’s mother, sent me a message. Of course, upon my first read, I was surprised. Why would Kiri’s mother text me, and why would she invite me to her apartment on such short notice?

The cluelessness of my situation left me with a sense of uneasiness, but regardless I would not turn down an opportunity to have an anomaly in my day. And so, I’m here today.

However, to say that I could not muster up even a guess on the reasoning would be a huge exaggeration. Therefore, I answered the woman.

“Something to do with your daughter, I guess.”

“Guess you don’t need clairvoyance for that.”

She made a half-attempt at humor, which I chuckled a bit, only for the air to not go sour.

Looking around the flat, I noticed someone missing.

“Is your uh, husband not home?”

“Yeah, that’s why I asked you here today.” Following her answer, she offered me a cup of prepared iced tea. “Well, I forgot to say this at first but thank you, and also sorry.”

Even though she kept her words vague, it was clear what she was implying.

“It’s okay. I couldn’t just leave her to fly off to another side of the planet just like that. But… what’s there to apologize for?”

Suddenly, the woman looked at me with surprise as if she had not anticipated my response.

“Well, I’m sorry for the mental strain that it must have put on you, Stan. I know you chose to report her because you cared about her future more than the momentarily fun, but that also meant that you betrayed her trust. And… that must have hurt you a lot. I know.”

Guess our situation isn’t so different, Kiri’s mother.

I decided to stay silent. I mean what else could I even say, ‘You’re right’? ‘It’s nothing’?

In an attempt to refresh my mind, I took a quick sip, but just as I do so, the woman before me said something that would render my action completely worthless.

“Do you by any chance have enough time for a long chat?”

“Are you going to tell me about you and Kiri’s relationship, ma’am?”

The woman darted her eyes down, to which I assumed she felt shame, still, something told me that nothing could stop her from letting her story out.

And just like so, she resumed.

“It’s just… It wouldn’t feel right for you to not know, considering how close you are with Kiri.”

I might be wrong here, but I believed her reason to be a little more impure than that. It just felt like she wanted to shove all her guilt and regrets out of herself, and the trash can was who else but the boy who’s already involved in her daughter’s life.

Well, fuck it, at least knowing Kiri a little bit more might make me feel better or something. And so, I replied, “It’s okay ma’am. I have time.”

I eyed the woman, suggesting she carry on. However, she seemed to be struggling with words. Though, I guess who could blame her, after all, it’s no surprise that she and Kiri don’t share the exact best and simplest relationship.

The mother took a quick nip, and she laid her face onto the palm of one of her hands. With a look of solemnity, or perhaps melancholy, she spoke.

“I… I do love my daughter. I just want you to know that first.”

I gave her an odd glance, which she didn’t mind, and carried on.

“And I wanted good for her. That’s the whole reason why I worked so hard, it’s to provide for my Kiri. But… she was just like her dad, craving fun all the time. And I couldn’t stand that at the time, I thought that none of my hard work would be worth it if she hadn’t turned out to be successful. So, I complained, and well, me and her father didn’t see eye to eye.”

Her tone made a stark turn, now brimming with shame and culpability.

“And after our divorce, Kiri was left behind with me. But, even if she was still my daughter, and I was her only parent, I had never felt so much more distant from her. And in Kiri’s case, she even disdained and hated me. Perhaps I had already given up on our relationship at this point, so, I indulged her, and I left her to do whatever she wanted and continued with my own life.”

Suddenly, a breath of chilly air pierced through the flat, and my skin crawled.

“It’s… only normal for you to care about your daughter’s career and future.” I tried to assure her. But to no avail, her eyes were unwavering.

“I remarried, and I carried on with work, all for the sake of her future. Or maybe I just felt guilty about making her dad leave, and I wanted to repay her by… well, not annoying her with my presence. And when she decided that I would no longer be a part of her life and ran away, I was too filled with guilt to even dictate how her life goes anymore, and so I batted an eye.” She chuckled lightly and followed up with a sarcastic remark. “Makes you wonder why I even made her dad leave in the first place. I’m just a hypocrite, aren’t I?”

Looking for a piece of debris under the ocean would prove to be less challenging than finding words to comfort her right now. And so, as I sat there silently and with a look of concern, the air began to be filled with an unbearable stifle. Nonetheless, the woman was still not at peace and began to give the time its fluidity again.

“First, I was barely present in my daughter’s life, then I took away the one person she looked up to, and still, I decided to not involve myself with her. Not to mention not showing concern about her runaway. And even when she had come back, I sent her to a boarding school, another life completely absent of her mother.” The palm of her hand moved to the front of her mouth as if to carry the whole weight of what was inside, though it didn’t seem to be nearly strong enough. “And then it dawned on me that… I never even knew her. I don’t even know what are her hobbies, what are her friends like, or what joyful things she enjoys every day. Absolutely nothing…”

Her eyes began to redden, and moisture began to form. It would have been completely normal for her if she had cried there. Well, it would even be eerie if she hadn’t.

Nonetheless, I didn’t want that to happen.

True, she wasn’t anything near a misunderstood hero of the story, but it’s just wrong to put the blame all on her. Perhaps I’m biased since I had diminished her into the villain of the story initially and was gnawed by my guilt, but right now, all I wanted is for this woman to at least have a moment where the choices she desperately made didn’t fuck her up.

And so, I reminded her.

“Well, at least you knew one of her friends.”

The woman made a swift movement with her head, and I was met with a weird but familiar energy. Her eyes widened in surprise, or to be more positive, joy, and I wanted to give something at least half of that same bright demeanor.

Consequently, I made sure that the curve on my face showed the warmest possible aura. And with that, I continued.

“I can share one or two stories about her.”

As if indulging my wants, she quickly nodded enthusiastically.

I in fact did not share one or two, but multiple, even the ones that I wasn’t completely sure were legal. I told her all about the fun stuff Kiri led me into doing ever since we met, up until just a few months ago.

I made sure she knew how bright and fun of a person her daughter was, and how I loved every single moment I spent messing around with Kiri. I told her about her talents in making money, how crafty she can be when she’s coming up with a plan, and all about the excessive energy she never ran out of. I told her about how good of a person she was, saving a random boy from bullies and accepting me back into her life after so much that had happened. And how she was the one that got me to start enjoying life again.

As I spoke and spoke, her mother’s lips turned into a mellow curve, and her eyes reflected glimpses of long-lost fragments. It was as if she was reminiscing about the times that she had lost. Or perhaps the times she never got.

And, she wasn’t the only one mesmerized. Even though all of this was in my consciousness, each story I brought forward to this moment became a reality that I could once more delve into. And my heart grew fuller and fuller, and being aware of it, I loved her more and more. The image of the girl became clearer, and only now did I realize how important of a person she is and always will be to me.

…

“Well, I never realized how chaotic she was. Not even her father could go to such lengths,” she spoke with a chuckle, which turn into an all-out laughter a second after.

Her cries of amusement, joy, or perhaps dejection for her daughter made me giggle in the same manner, and I could feel warmth displacing the chilly air.

Nevertheless, she could only laugh for so long, and her lips shifted back into a frown. An inexplicable sad feeling gnawed at me, and I finally came back to the reality we were in. The reality that didn’t include Kiri, the reality that didn’t include the girl that both I and her mother cherished.

All of that past time that I spent with her was gone. And the more memorable and lovely those fragments were, the more it hurt me and her.

…And yet…

“Looks like I made the right choice this time”. The woman spoke with a tender voice.

It was as if the words that came out of the woman’s mouth were something I had heard not so long ago, a sense of nostalgia assaulted me. And, curiously, I asked her.

“What… what do you mean?”

But before she answered, a glimpse of her eyes caught my gaze. It was as if a black hole had devoured me, and I was entangled inside the never-ending night, alongside the myriads of emotions that I could not pinpoint. And only now did I realize that the person in front of me was truly related to Kiri.

“At first, I wasn’t exactly sure why I invited you here, Stan. Was I trying my last attempt at reconciling with my daughter? Or was I trying to know more about her? But those were only superficial, I know I only wanted to have a single memory of trying to get on well with my daughter, even if it doesn’t involve talking to her.” She exhaled, and yet, surprisingly, what followed was a smile. “But at the end of the day, I still got to know a little more about my daughter. And I guess you enjoyed telling your stories with her, the smile that you were showing just screamed happiness and joy. Or maybe I’m just telling myself that to feel better.”

Instinctively, as if it was a pattern, or perhaps a catchphrase, I replied.

“No, you were right ma’am, I was happy. I guess selfish motives can lead to good results sometimes.”

But just as I had finished, my mouth held still. And as if a sudden lightning was struck, something exploded.

“Um, is everything okay?”

The answer was no.

My vision was lessoned into a messy and hazy blob, and two inexplicable lines of fluid were endlessly falling down my cheeks. I could not bring motion to my still disclosed mouth, and my eyes stay widened. In a desperate and pathetic attempt, I tried to cover up this embarrassing sight of myself and wiped away the tears, but it kept going and going. Ceaselessly, as if there was a giant hole in the damp, and there was nothing to hold in the avalanche of mess inside.

Distinguishing the woman’s face was no longer a task possible for me, but it was as if she wanted to show her concern, she took a step toward me. Now, I might have been delusional, but the image I saw right there clearly depicted the woman’s welcoming arms. So, no one could blame me for actually embracing it.

“O-Oh.”

Yet, I guess I was wrong, her reaction audibly discerned distress. And I made haste in stepping back to not cause any weirder interactions. However, before I could do so, unexpectedly, I could feel her hand caressing my back.

“There, there…” She spoke with an awkward tone. “Geez, am I doing this, right?”

I gave her a slight nod with the intent to encourage her, though I guess it was more to not make this situation any more abnormal.

“So, what’s troubling you, my child’s friend.?” Said her with a pseudo-motherly voice.

“Child’s lover.”

Don’t ask why I said that, I just did.

“Um, okay? You can tell me what’s wrong, my daughter’s boyfriend.”

Not minding her bewilderment, I continued, albeit in a messy childish voice.

“It’s just that, all those fond memories I spent with Kiri just made me miss the times with her so much. And the state of our relationship right now is just too unbearable to me, we don’t even want to see each other now, it’s like an obnoxious chore to us. And I don’t want that. I love her, and I want her to love me too!”

Thank God for her face was not in my sight right now, she must have been grimacing so badly. But I didn’t mind the fact as long as I didn’t know for sure, and so I did not halt my childish rant.

“And when you reminded me that selfish motives can bring a good ending too, it made me realize that if I wanted to find a way to reconcile with her, then there’s no reason not to. And I cried at the fact that I hadn’t thought about that, it was something Kiri showed me too and I just threw it out of the window. Why did I fu-freaking do that?”

As if finally content with shouting out all my insecurities and troubles to a random woman, I retreated a few steps to further our distance. However, my mouth did not stop.

“Oh my fucking god I’m so sorry.”

Perhaps ‘content’ was not the right word, rather it’s ‘too embarrassed’. My face must have been cringing and reddening so badly that I could not care if it was an accepting middle-aged woman before me and would just cover it regardless.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that whenever it comes to Kiri, I just say the stupidest and dramatized stuff.”

“No, no, it’s okay to share, I’m happy to know”, she tried to assure me, which was a commendable attempt but it was just impossible right now. Regardless, she resumed. “Well, you said something about finding a way to reconcile with Kiri. So why don’t we just focus on that for now, it’s a good starting point, right?”

My ears twitched at her question, and I put motion into my words once more, although still with my face covered.

“I already came up with something but it’s too absurd to even consider it. It probably is too-”

“Just do it, don’t question it. It’s for Kiri’s sake, right? I mean I can permit you to.”

“R-Really?”

“Really, I’m her mother, and I think I trust her fri- I mean boyfriend.”

A stupid grin coated all over my face. I didn’t care if it was a warm and a form of gratitude expression, I was just fed up with the ignominy I’d experienced within such a short time. And yet, my lips still continued to blabber on.

“I know this might sound awkward, but you’re not a bad mother, at least to me- Actually never mind this is too embarrassing I can’t… Why the fuck did I say that?”

My soul was crushed by my own foolish attempt of expressing my thanks, and my mind screamed shame. But, without any anticipation, it was ruled out by another reverberating sound.

The expression on the woman’s face made me question twice if she was even the same person I had talked to only seconds ago. But it was in fact Kiri’s mother, and the only difference was that she was laughing. And it wasn’t just a chuckle or a giggle, she was bawling her eyes out as if she hadn’t done so in a century.

“You’re- you’re so fucking weird”, she halted her guffaw only for seconds to annoy me. “Yes, I’m totally fine with you being with my daughter, oh please.”

In the midst of her exuberant moment, I could only chuckle along ambiguously, and my eyes were on the verge of tears from embarrassment.

***

After I had said my goodbyes to the lady, I strolled home that day with an odd levitating feeling inside me.

Dang, how many times already?

It’s getting tiring for me to keep repeating the cycle of depression and moving forward, and I wondered if it would even matter to be joyful now anyway since I’ll probably be sad eventually.

But then I’d get happy and move on again.

…

Well, I guess I could live with that.

And so, with my mind cleared and resolved, I focused on the essential point for my life to be bright and energetic once more.

But before that, I needed to brace myself and strategize. However, it didn’t take me long to actually solidify my action, for I was not exactly without experience.

“Looks like it’s time to put my pseudo-productive life into good use.”