Is Love Really This Painful?

"Is your heart still not beating fast?" Saya said, her eyes filling with tears.

"What are you talking about, Saya?" 

Saya, in a mixture of frustration and sadness, had tears falling onto Mika's face.

"I really don't understand, and you don't either..." her voice was trembling, on the verge of crying.

"What's wrong all of a sudden?" Mika asked.

Saya quickly grabbed one of Mika's hands and placed it on her chest. 

Her heart was beating rapidly. Mika was utterly surprised to feel her heart racing like that.

"Are you okay, Saya?"

"I'm not! Can't you feel my heart?" Saya said, tears still streaming down onto Mika's face.

"Saya, I'm sorry, I—"

"I love y-" Saya realized what she had just said and covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide with astonishment.

"What?"

Mika stared at Saya in shock. Suddenly, Saya was crying on top of him, tears falling onto his face.  She lifted her head and looked around the room, her disheveled hair falling haphazardly on her face, clearly reflecting the shock she was experiencing.

With Saya sitting on top of Mika, his mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts.

So, she really does love me... But I have no idea about any of this. Is loving someone really this painful? What should I do now? I don't want to hurt her. Why does everything have to be so complicated and difficult...

Mika took a deep breath, feeling lost in his thoughts. He didn't know what to say, but he had to say something.

"Saya."

Saya was still looking dazed. She hadn't even looked at Mika.

"I really wish I could genuinely respond to your feelings... But I can't, I'm sorry."

Saya started crying even harder. She got off Mika's lap and sat at the edge of the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, covering her face with her hands as she sobbed silently.

Mika began to worry that he had said something wrong.

"It hurts so much... Is love really this painful?" Saya cried.

Mika understood what Saya was trying to convey. The issue was with him. His presence had caused someone to cry. Deep down, he was feeling something. It was a familiar sensation, like flames burning inside him, the fire spreading from his stomach to his shoulders. It felt as if it were consuming him, spreading throughout his entire body.

"It's over now anyway. I can't endure this any longer, pretending and playing along. After the yacht trip, we'll reduce or cut off our communication. Otherwise, I won't be able to take it anymore," Saya had said earlier. Her voice was filled with both sadness and anger, and while she had stopped crying, she was still swallowing and trying to catch her breath.

"Okay," Mika replied.

"That's it. Let your family know that I'll come to the ship. I'm doing this for both of us, for the last time," Saya said and swiftly left the room.

As Saya left, Mika was still lying on the bed, face down. Unbeknownst to him, he was furious with himself. This anger had left him so bewildered that he had lost control over his limbs. As he lay on his back, he heard the sound of the door opening and closing. Shortly after, his mother hurriedly entered the room.

"Is Saya okay, Mika? Also, I heard a sound upstairs a little while ago. Did something fall?"

"Saya's fine, Mom. She said she'd come to the yacht. The fallen thing was the letters I wrote about my thoughts before and after the surgery."

His mother bent down, picked up the box, and took out one of the letters.

"Mika, where's the other letter?"

"What do you mean?"

"One of them is missing," his mother said while looking under the bed.

Mika was slowly calming down, and he got up from the bed. The letter was indeed missing. He suddenly realized that Saya had been sitting right there.

"Mom, which one is missing? The one before the surgery or after?"

"Hmm, the one before."

"Saya might have taken it." He remembered that when they fell, both letters had scattered around, and he had seen Saya holding one of the yellowed envelopes.

"What was written inside it? I've forgotten," his mother asked.

"It contained fun plans, stories about Yuki, the parks we visited, and some information about the mysterious girl."

***

Three days had passed. Mika had begun to question himself incessantly.

 Although he had told himself not to get close to anyone, his growing friendship with Saya and her affection for him had brought a new emotion to the surface: Anxiety

At the same time, he and his parents had been working on overcoming his fear of cars. It hadn't gone too badly, but he still felt dizzy and nauseous after being in a car for a while. Their latest attempt at a solution was to use sleeping pills to help him sleep during car rides.

"Mika, let's go. Get ready," his mother called from downstairs.

"Okay, coming!" Mika replied. He wasn't particularly excited about leaving, since he and Saya would be separated after the holidays. He looked at the sleeping pill container he was holding and decided to take one.

I suppose this is the best way.

They got into the car and arrived at Saya's house. Mika was barely holding himself together. He was waiting for the effects of the pill he had taken at home to kick in.

Saya came out of the house alone and locked the door.

"Oh, is no one home, Saya?" Hana asked, surprised.

"No, my mom went to work in the morning," Saya replied, holding a small red suitcase.

"I thought we'd be able to meet. Too bad. Well, whatever..." Hana said.

They put Saya's suitcase in the trunk and Hana sat in the front seat while Saya took the back seat next to Mika. In a simple and plain tone, she said, "Good morning."

"G-Good morning," Mika replied. Although he was used to Saya's cold demeanor, it still made him feel uncomfortable.

"I thought you don't like cars?" Saya asked nonchalantly, looking out the window.

"I've been trying for three days. I even took a sleeping pill so I could sleep in the car," Mika explained.

"I see," Saya said indifferently.

The car began to move, and Mika's discomfort returned. His hands began to shake, and after a while he felt nauseous and dizzy. He opened the window and closed his eyes, letting the outside air hit his face.

 He couldn't sit still. He felt his breath quickening and he didn't even understand what was happening to him. He had to get off as soon as possible. But if he did, he would disappoint his family.

"Are you okay, Mika?" his mother asked from the front.

"I-I'm okay," Mika replied, but it was clear that he wasn't.

 "Are you really all right?" she whispered. Despite her apparent coldness, her blue eyes were filled with concern as she looked at Mika.

"I-I don't know. Everything feels weird. My body is reacting strangely," Mika replied, and as he said this, something cold touched his right hand. When he turned to look, he saw Saya's left hand. When he lifted his head, he noticed that Saya was looking out the window, her face slightly flushed.

"C-Come on, if you d-don't want to, you don't have to hold it," Saya said, still looking out.

Mika was surprised, looking at both Saya and their intertwined hands. At least Saya wasn't mad at him, which was a relief.

"S-Sure," Mika stammered, holding Saya's hand. Her hand was cold but soft. They sat on opposite sides of the car, their hands clasped in the middle.

Mika's uneasiness began to diminish in a strange way. He felt his body getting heavier. The effect of the sleeping pill began to take effect. He struggled to keep his eyelids open.

I guess my hand will stay like this...