Heartfelt letter

Winter: 2014

"Sensei, I can't take this anymore", I quivered, "I want to die". I was at Fuyuko-sensei's place.            

           "You shouldn't be here, Haru-kun", she said in a serious voice. I looked at her teary-eyed. 

         "Sensei", I said, burying my face in her chest. "I don't want to lose you".      

           "We'll tell them. It's all Asahi's doing. Don't worry. We'll be fine", she declared strongly.

        "We can't do that. We can't tell them. Asahi Kurosawa is from a prestigious and influential family. We won't win against him. I don't want to fight a losing battle. And…", I stopped.      

          "Why can't we at least try?", She howled. 

      "Asahi had assured me that… he would stop bullying me if I didn't deny all this and didn't bring out his name in any of this. And I don't want my parents to know that I'm gay. They might abandon me", I said sounding selfish and stupid.    

             "You think so he'll stop? Are you stupid? And so what if your parents do know that you don't prefer girls? I'm sure they won't mind at all", she had let go of the hug. She went to the kitchen and came back after a few minutes. 

              She came back with tea and snacks.     "Eat up. I know you're hungry", she said. She knew me so well. I hadn't had lunch ever since I heard about all the ruckus at school.    

    "Am I a slut, sensei?", I asked looking down. She shook her head. I was confused. I didn't want my parents to know anything. Would they feel guilty for not knowing anything about what was going on in their son's life? I didn't want the teachers to know since they already looked down on me. Most of the students already knew what was going on and no one would step up for me and Miss Fuyuko. I couldn't think of anything.

                "Sensei, I don't want to lose my family. Please. You must understand how much it hurts to lose one, right? Do it for me. Please", I was thinking only about myself. Only about my life. At that point, nobody's life mattered more than mine. I was selfish.           

        She was silent. She must hate me for what I had become. A selfish brat.

        "Sensei, I'm sorry but I'd rather finish it like this. I don't have the will nor the power to fight them. The same goes for you. You have no one with you. Just me. I'll do my best to save you. Just promise me, you won't say anything about the bullying", I ended my speech with a tight smile. She was still silent.      

  I bowed down to the ground and left without hearing her say anything more.

                "Be honest, Haruki-kun, were you and Goto-sensei dating?", one of the two teachers wearing glasses asked. I stared at the teacher's faces.     

               "No. I wasn't dating her", I said. I wasn't lying. We weren't dating. I had messed up. I thought I'd lie. I had already told Miss Fuyuko to lie but here I was telling the truth.

        "Can you explain to us what these pictures indicate?", They said, keeping two pictures on the table. It was a picture of me leaving Fuyuko-sensei's house. There was a date and time at the lower right: 2014/10/21 22:23.         

            "I spent a lot of time with her because I don't have friends and sometimes it got late", I said confidently.   

       "What about this one?", The other teacher took out a picture from his inside pocket and put it on the table. A picture where I was kissing her.      

          "As you can see in that picture, she doesn't like it", I looked away.

       "So were you forcing her?", He asked. I shook my head.         

   "No. I wouldn't do that to her. I was forced by some people. I was bullied by–"

         "That's where you stop, Haruki-kun. We don't want to know. It is a matter which concerns only you and Fuyuko Goto" " the one wearing glasses said.     

   "But— It is connected", the other teacher put his index finger on my lips. "Shhh", he whispered in my ears, "Don't say anything if you care about Goto-sensei".

          "We don't want this small matter to turn into a big one. We'll transfer Fuyuko Goto to another school if you cooperate. She won't lose her teaching license", the teacher with the glasses explained.        

  "What do you mean?", I asked. I didn't know what was going on. 

         "A deal. That's what we want. You, Haruki Ishikawa, say nothing to anyone about who bullies you and where. We will do our part to ensure Goto-sensei's safety and her job. What will you choose, Haruki-kun?", The teachers gave me some time to process.         

After around 5 minutes, the teacher in glasses said in his annoying voice, "You or Goto?"

           "Promise me, Fuyuko-sensei will be safe", I looked at them with my innocent eyes.     

    "Leave it to us", the teachers said in unison. 

        After the questioning, I met my parents at the principal's office. I didn't dare to look at them. They had heard about the matter from the principal and had a disgusted look on their faces. I was allowed to go home early that day. My parents didn't ask me a lot of questions. I answered them in monosyllables.        

          The matter was subsided with a lie crafted by the principal to save the school's reputation. It didn't reach the law yet, since it was buried down before it even started. 

          I stayed at home for a week after that. I had gotten a fever after crying the whole day and night. After that week, when I went back to school everyone was ignoring me as usual. I searched for Fuyuko-sensei and she wasn't there as expected.        

  Akira and Asahi didn't call me to the bullies' den anymore. I was happy I was finally free. 

     After school, I went to her house one last time to tell her everything about the question. I knocked outside the door. Nobody answered. I thought she was sleeping and I tried calling her "The number you have dialed is currently out of service. Please try again later". I went to the landlord's flat.        

            "Umm… I'm a student of Fuyuko Goto. May I know when she'll be home or if she has left a message?", I tried to be as polite as I could. 

       "About that, Fuyuko won't be coming anymore. She left the house 4 or 5 days ago", the old landlord informed me. I was devastated.       

  "Oh and yes. She left a letter to be given to some Haruka or something?", He said.

      "Haruki. That's me", I had my hopes high. The landlord went inside his house. He was taking so long that I thought I would enter the house and search for him. He came back and with slow movements handed me the letter.     

 "Thank you", I bowed and ran away. 

  I opened the letter as soon as I was out of the compound. The letter consisted of only one page.

     

  Dear Haru,             

I understand how cruel this world is because of you. I can no longer trust anyone after all this. I am going away for a better life and future. You stay healthy and happy. I hope one day you find the courage to tell your parents about yourself. Thank you for being by my side for all these past months. I love you, Haruki. It was such an honor to be your teacher.

   

Fuyuko