Revelation and Confession

Night had begun to fall before I was home. I sprinted away when Akira called me "Haru-chan" in that same loving and devious voice. I was still not over my past. I had no appetite that night.        

            I was in my dark room. I thought about my relatives who pestered me about finding a job to take care of my family. They were right. I am the only son for now. I need to take care of them. I checked my phone. A new message from Natsuki but I left it unopened. It was 2 am. I was filled with thoughts of the past, the present as well as the future.         

           "I hope Fuyuko-sensei forgives me", I thought. I felt a sudden sting in my heart. I had made a grave mistake. I got out of bed.                 I went down the stairs to my parent's bedroom. I knocked. Dad opened the door and I dashed towards Mom.      

                 "Mom, I cannot be forgiven. I did something bad", I said, burying my face in her chest. Dad patted my back. They were confused.       

                 "What happened, Haru-chan?", Asked Mom. I looked at her face and then at Dad.       "I lied. I made her lie too", I said after pausing for some time.         

            "What are you talking about, Haruki?" Dad asked. He held my hand lovingly and I knew I didn't deserve all this.       

         "When I was a first year in High school I was bullied by some older guys. I was forced to have sex… I mean– I was raped by two seniors and sold to some women. It happened many times and I started thinking it was all normal. That it would end someday but…", I said. I wasn't ashamed to say it. Their eyes widened. They looked at me with disbelief.          

            "Why? Why didn't you tell us?", Mom asked. Her eyes were filled with tears. I shouldn't have told them. I should've kept it inside.      

                "Continue…", said Dad. Dad was level-headed as always.     

               "Umm… I thought it'll all end. But… They made me do it. I— can't", I said between sobs.     

              "Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly", Dad instructed, to calm me down.      

             I continued, "I did it with Fuyuko-sensei because they made me do it. I didn't want to. I— She didn't do anything to me. I did it. They took pictures of us. Everyone in school saw it. You guys saw it too, right? The pictures and the video?"

            "We didn't see anything. Just a few pictures of you outside her house which were taken at nighttime and one..umm... you were leaving her house", Mom said. 

        "So where is your fault in all of this? Why did you say you can't be forgiven? I just don't get it", said Dad after listening to all my ramblings.         

                  "I was scared of Akira and Asahi…and Ando... Taiyou. They had told me to shut up and they would stop bullying me. I was scared… Of the teachers…Of you guys. I was scared you'd find out I was gay. I requested Fuyuko-sensei to lie so that you guys won't find out. To tell them we were dating. Most of the teachers knew that I was being bullied but they didn't interfere. The only one who did was Miss Fuyuko and she had to suffer because of me. I am the worst. I don't deserve to live. I sacrificed a young woman's life for my sake".         

             My parents couldn't find the right words to say. I would be shocked too if I was a parent.      

            "I'm sorry. Forgive me. I… made you feel like you couldn't trust me. I wasn't there when you needed me the most", cried Dad. It wasn't his fault. I was a coward. No. I still am a coward.          

               "Aki? Is he the one we met at the hospital?", Inquired Mom. I nodded.       

           "If only I had known. I would've kicked his ass", Mom was angry.    

                  I am so selfish. I told them depressing stuff at an odd hour even though my mom is pregnant. I wasn't thinking about her health. I gazed at the clock. It was already 3 am. Dad had to go to the office so I told him to sleep but he wouldn't let go of my hand.       

          "Tell us everything", dad smiled. I told them everything and I didn't know when I had fallen asleep. I woke up having the best sleep of my life. Mom and Dad were already awake. I checked my phone and I saw Natsuki had texted me around a hundred messages. I opened her texts. I skimmed over her texts. I was in no mood to reply.      

     "Meet me later at the usual place. Usual time", I texted. I went to the kitchen and found my parents having breakfast.      

        "Dad, you didn't go to work?", I asked. Dad shook his head.       

            "I want to be here for you at least for today", he smiled. Dad made a delicious breakfast for us. My parents' efforts made me feel all the more useless.          

          "I want to be a voice actor", I said out of the blue.      

             "Ehh?" Both of them went at the same time.        

        "Okay. I understand ", said Dad. I wasn't sure what he understood but I didn't ask.               

We spent the whole day talking and watching movies. When the sun was going to set, I set out to meet Natsuki. She didn't reply to my text nor did she call. I wasn't even sure if she'd come.       

   I saw her from behind underneath the cherry blossom which was no longer a cherry blossom tree. She was wearing her school dress. It was my first time seeing her wear a school dress.       

         "Yo", I waved. She didn't wave back. It was expected. She was looking cute.          

         "How do you know my nii-san?", She didn't waste any time. I told her that we should sit and relax first.               

              "Akira, your nii-san was my boyfriend back in high school and–", I was about to say something more but Natsuki interrupted.      

 "Ehh– Nii-san is gay? I couldn't guess", she said, I looked at her with half-closed eyes.       

 "And what more were you going to say?", said Natsuki. She was still adorable.     

     "He was also my bully", I said     

 "Nii-san was a bully? What the hell? I couldn't have guessed that either. No. You're lying. I don't understand", she said feeling confused.       

  "What do you not understand?", I asked politely.     

   "Okay. Let's say he is a bully, okay? But, on what ground did he bully you? You're beautiful. Tall. You have a good voice. Almost perfect. So?"     

         "He bullied me because I was gay"   

"Wasn't he gay too?", She asked.     

  "He was just playing with my feelings. His seniors in his bully gang were looking for some time to kill and when he told them that a younger guy asked him out. They told him to accept me and date me so that they could have fun later. To make fun of me", I was speaking a lot faster than usual. Natsuki was silent. She understood that I wasn't lying. 

       "That's why you became sensitive and tried protecting yourself on that day we fought", she said.      

            "I'm sorry for whatever I said on that day. I didn't mean it. I mean– at that time, yes, I meant every word but after you left. And the days I spent without you were so lonely I wish I had died. I wanted to disappear. I thought of you each day and night. I missed your touch. Your scent. Your voice and your smiling face. I missed everything about you", I pulled her in for a hug. She didn't push me away.        

            "I am overly sensitive too. When it comes to me being a girl or a boy. On the day I was born, my father told my mom, 'I would've stayed if you had birthed a boy'. He wasn't married to her so he left. Simply because I wasn't a boy. Maybe that was just him wanting a reason to leave Mom since he used to be a host but Mom tried to turn me into a boy. When I was three, she gave up. She told me 'I wish you had never been born' every day. She wanted a son and I wasn't so I tried my hardest to look like a boy but she wouldn't even look at me. If only she knew that someone didn't know I was a girl even after spending so much time with me", she giggled towards the end.     

             "C'mon now", I was embarrassed.       

"But I tried to be a girl for you 'cause you were the first boy I fell in love with. You made me realize that I needed to be myself. To get in touch with my girly side. You made me love myself", I could feel that she was smiling. I held on to her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes.         

"Your parents have missed such a great girl. They will regret it one day. Well, I don't want to regret anything so I'll say it. I love you, Natsu-kun. I don't care if you are a boy or a girl. I just simply love you so much. My heart could burst right now", she took my hand and put it on her chest. I blushed.

              "My heart might burst before yours", her heart was pounding loudly. The sun had set completely and the sky had turned into a purple hue.  

               She held onto my hair and put her lips on mine. I pushed her away.       

         "I said… No kissing until you're —", she sealed my lips with a kiss again.          

        "I love you, Haruki-san", we embraced each other. Her touch gave me life.