XXVIII. you're a friendless loser

The ONE time.

The ONE time I was early for drama club and neither Murase, Nomura nor the teacher had showed up. Why? They had a fever. Without them, anarchy took over; P-kun went around chasing skirts and underclassmen went around using props without permission and I went to blow a horn (since when did we have that?) next to Okamoto, which startled her so much she fell off her boxes. "Hi," I greeted as she lay on the floor.

"Y... you... demon..."

"Future evil queen, but close enough."

This enraged her enough to stand up. "In your dreams," she snapped. "Where's your audition piece? Hmm? Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Right here." I showed her the horn.

"What."

"It's inside."

When she checked, I blew it again. 

As she reeled backwards, I said, "I need a favor."

"W... h... what makes y-you think I'd... EVER..."

"You know Hanamura Wakumi? Yes, right? Is she in your class?"

She used the boxes for support—more than usual anyway. Okamoto glared at me with the ferocity of a gnat. "Even if she were, I'd never ever ever tell you. Ever."

"I'll let you blow me."

"With the horn? Right now?"

"The—yeah. I guess. If you're into that."

"Anything to make you suffer."

"You're so daring, wow."

She smirked. I supposed there was no point to keeping the double entendre up if she didn't get it. "But first," I said. "One: do you know her yes or no?"

"She's not in my class, but we have gym together..."

"Two: since you're a friendless loser, why don't you try talking to her?"

"I-I don't need any friends."

"I see. Three: if you want to blow me, then talk to her. I don't care if you don't need any friends. She does, and you barely classify as a woman, so she shouldn't have much trouble talking to you."

Okamoto sat on her comfort zone again, so I didn't hand her the horn. She picked at one of the crate's corners with a fingernail she evidently chewed on. "Even if..." she trailed off. "Even if I talked to her, she's... not... I'm not good with popular people. You're the exception."

"Careful, my fanclub will kill you if they hear that."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you too. So will you do it or not?"

She began to swing her legs. "Is this a trap?"

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Like... a bet... like when one of the popular kids says they'll make the, uh, not popular girl fall in love with them in a week, and once that happens, everyone makes fun of the girl, or maybe the popular kid falls in love, but, um, but I'm not sure if Hanamura is my type. Does she like videogames?"

...well then.

"See? Knew it."

"No, wait—"

"Traitor." She hopped off the comfort zone.

"Wait, you—" When she tried to walk away, I yanked her back by the wrist. "—troglodyte. It's not a trap. What if I told you she likes dating sims too?"

Okamoto stopped faux-struggling. "She... she does?"

I didn't know or care, but if I told her to, Hanamura would probably play a few. I nodded.

Okamoto's beady eyes almost sparkled. "What's her favorite one?"

"I don't know. Ask her."

"Okay."

Again: well then. Had I known the way to Okademon's heart was through her shitty phone games and I would've started there. I'd set up the horn(y) scheme for nothing. I let her go. She didn't run away. "It's a deal, then," I said, then handed her the horn. "Here. You earned it."

Okamoto took it. 

"Go on, do it."

"...nah."

"Fine, fuck you then."

"Fuck you too."

P-kun showed up out of nowhere and for no good reason. "Hey, Sacchan," he greeted. He'd literally never called me that. "Since you're in charge for today, do you think you could let us go early?"

"...what. Since when? Why?"

Okamoto scowled at me. "You're the vice-president. What do you think?"

"WHAT?"

"Is that a yes or a no?" Asked P-kun. 

I'd missed election day for a reason. Said reason had backfired. Come to think about it, though, people often complained about the vice-president missing during meetings...

"No," said Okamoto. "You guys should be rehearsing."

P-kun ignored her. "Please?"

For some reason, this prompted the following: "Fine, but only if you don't react when Okamoto blows the horn on your ear. No wincing. No blinking. Nothing."

"Who?"

I gestured at her. 

P-kun frowned. "Why don't you do it?"

"Blow you? No, thanks. I'm not into that. But you know who is? Okamoto."

"Dude, ew."

Finally, it dawned on her: Okamoto's face turned the color of her bow-horns. Talk about poor timing. At least I had her number since she was part of the club's group chat (she sent reaction emojis often, which were always ignored). When she ran away this time, I didn't stop her. To P-kun, I replied, "Unfortunately, that's a no."

"Duuude."

"I'll be a tyrant until the prez is back."

"Duuuuude."

"Blame whoever made me vice-president against my will. Anarchy over. We're going back to feudalism. Go on, tell the masses."

He waddled back to whichever group of girls had sent him. After an, 'Ehhhh?' they, too, failed to convince me, which meant P-kun and Okamoto weren't bullshitting after all, which meant that I'd probably have to attend meetings from now lest Murase threaten to kick me out again, although... didn't that also mean I could un-kick myself out?

I'd also been vice-captain of the soccer team. The jokes really wrote themselves at this point.

***

"You didn't show up," Kenji declared, as though I needed my own life events to be narrated to me. I sat next to him, shrugging, which made him narrow his eyes. "You're avoiding her."

"If by avoiding her you mean giving you two time alone, then sure."

Before Kenji could say something stupid, Nase (sorry, Na#$) showed up to interrupt. He slapped his hands upon my desk, which reminded me why I found him annoying. "Hi hi! Do you have time to practice today?"

While Kenji tried to turn himself invisible, I batted Nase's hands off, saying, "Weren't you supposed to be sick?"

"Yeah. Doesn't matter. I convinced the teacher to let us play soccer today for gym. If we practice during lunch break, then I can see how well you do in an actual game."

"Poorly," I replied. "I hate sports."

"Aw, don't say that. How about you, Aizawa? It'll be fun."

Kenji's fight-or-flight response had activated.

"That's a yes, right? See you guys later. You can even bring Yamazaki along."

I shouldn't have been surprised at Nakamura being the kind of guy to know everyone's name, and yet, based on the way Kenji and I exchanged glances when he left, the feeling was mutual. 

The bell rang. Hanamura's spam had begun. How they didn't take away her phone was beyond me. Aside from giving her Okamoto's number yesterday, I hadn't spoken to her. I didn't want to. Fight... flight... fawn... freeze... was this flight?

"Saku."

"I'll go with Nase, yeah. Will you?"

"If... if you go, then I go." Kenji wrote the rest on his notebook. At this point, he had more pages of nonsense filled at the back than actual notes in front. we should tell izumi, by the way, because lately it feels like he's with hoshino all the time

"Eh, that happens. Once the honeymoon period is over, they'll go back to normal."

is it always like that?

"Not always, no. But often?"

"That's... annoying."

"You'll see when you get one."

wait, have you dated someone before?

"John."

"Who. Wait, the foreign guy from last—!"

I covered his mouth. A few people turned around, but not the teacher, thankfully. "I was kidding, you dumb fuck," I said before releasing him. He held his cheeks once I did, wincing. "Sorry. Anyway, no, I haven't. But I've seen people act like that."

He held his cheeks for a long time after that. Now I just felt guilty. To cope with this, I had to conquer my fears; I checked Hanamura's messages.

stalker-chan: gorilla_banging_its_chest.jpg

So I ignored her again.