Tulips by the Lake

15. Tulips by the Lake

On the Tokyo Shinkansen Line, going from Tokyo to Osaka, we hopped on in Shizuoka, headed two stops further to Hamamatsu.

Back in spring, we went to the Sanaru Lake during our visit to grumpy gramps, but this time, it would be just the two of us.

Seated in the train, I glanced out of the window and noticed the grey sky. I turned to her and placed my hand on my hat, “Looks like we won’t be needing these,” I said.

She mirrored my movements and placed her hand on her straw hat and nodded. “Hopefully the sun will break through again.”

Is this really all I’m capable of… a conversation about the weather…

Realising a little too late that it was me this time that made a sad face after our conversation ended, she asked me, “Is something wrong?”

I shook my head. “Just thinking.”

She tilted hers to the side as she stared at me. “…About what?”

Once again, I turned my eyes outside, “That it’d be a bummer if it started to rain.”

“Mmhmm… The weather really can’t make up its mind.”

Through the reflection of the mirror, I saw her leaning forward to look out of the window as well. Instead of looking at the outside scenery, I focused on the clothes she wore. Despite summer being long gone, we were both dressed as if summer break had yet to end. She had a white t-shirt and a white skirt on, whilst I looked like her polar opposite wearing a black t-shirt on black shorts. The reflection of my clothing was merely noticeable whereas hers blindingly shined.

Another silence fell upon us. No more than a minute ago, I felt disappointment wash over me as I saw the end of the conversation nearing. I must’ve forgotten how engulfed in comfort I felt by simply sitting shoulder to shoulder.

* * *

After changing trains in Hamamatsu and a ten minute walk to the park, we made our way to the lake—near the same spot I had fished with dad and Kazuo.

Octobre was almost over, hence why there were a lot less people around than last time. When I glanced at Katsumata, I saw her staring at the many birds in trees, on the ground or soaring high through the sky.

“Here’s where we fished last time,” I said as I sat down, not realising it wouldn’t be a good idea to have her sit down on the grass with her white clothes. “Hang on,” I opened my bag and took a spare t-shirt out of it and placed it on the ground. “Here you go.”

“Thank you…” she sat down and scooted a little closer.

It probably wouldn’t be any fun for her had she just watched me getting a bite, so instead, I handed her the rod.

“Hold it like this.”

“Oh, okay.”

As I was putting the bait on the hook, I said, “When a fish bites, you’ll feel it twitch over here,” I touched the tip of it, “that’s where patience is important, you’ll have to wait for the right moment to pull your rod back.”

She nodded but looked clueless all the same.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you. When the battle with the fish has started, make sure that you keep a bend in your rod, to keep the line stretched tight.”

“…But I don’t have to worry because you’ll help me, right?”

I laughed, “Yup. The best thing to do is tiring the fish out and then reel it in, but I’ll help you with that as well.”

She placed her fingertips on her chest and took a deep breath.

“Nervous?” I asked her.

“Very,” she nodded. “This is my first time giving it a try after all…”

I’m sure Kazuo is a little jealous right now…

“Alright, are you ready?”

She responded with a firm nod.

“Let’s cast our line then.” I stood up to cast it, sat down again and handed her the rod back.

A bit later, we still hadn’t gotten a bite yet. A couple of times now, she glanced at me, returned her gaze to the lake and kept going back and forth. First I thought it had to do with fishing, but then I remembered how she usually did that when she wanted to say something.

“Got something on your mind?” I asked her.

“No… it’s just…” She looked at me. “When it’s just the two of us, I sometimes get the urge to talk… but I’m afraid I’ll start to ramble… and I recalled you saying that you don’t talk when you fish… so…”

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “It’s fine, you know. We’re just fishing for fun, there’s no need to be all serious.”

“Then… can I ask you something?”

I nodded, “Of course.”

“What part—” She suddenly stopped speaking, “Oh! It twitched…”

“Alright, let’s slowly stand up.” I held the rod with one hand and helped her up with the other.

“It’s on, pull it back.”

She pulled the rod back, “…Like this?”

“Yes,” I saw that the fish barely put up a fight, “Try slowly reeling it in.”

When the fish popped out of the water she had a huge smile on her face. She reached for the end of the line and showed the fish off. “Look! It’s a fish! We caught a fish!”

“You did,” I said as I reached for my phone. “I’ll take a picture for your dad.”

“Oh, right.”

With her left hand, she held the fishing rod behind her back, her right hand was on top of her head, in which she held the line with the fish on the hook—the fish covering her face.

The reason I couldn’t click the camera button… was because this pose is the exact same one I did with the first fish I caught on my own.

After the initial shock was over, I took the picture and showed her. “Good enough?”

“Perfect,” she smiled.

As she sat down again, I saw her awkwardly changing positions back and forth.

“Sitting like this is killing your back isn’t it?” I laughed.

She nodded, “Yeah…” she glanced between me and my back.

“What? You want to use me as a chair?” I jokingly asked.

“If it’s alright with you…”

Wait, really?

After placing the spare t-shirt behind me, she sat down with me as her backrest, I felt her hat brushing against my neck.

With the rod in my hands, I felt my focus drawn into the lake and everything else in sight lost its colour. The familiar monochrome scene.

“Shima… Can I ask you something now?”

“Sure, ask away.”

“What part of you have you killed in order to change?”

Her question sounded similar to the one she asked that one night during golden week.

What was it that I killed? I never put much thought into it, it happened all on its own. I closed my eyes and thought about it deeply. Everything started to change “Once the sports festival fuss started. I used to fear nothing more than being looked down upon, being laughed at…” I recalled the words she said when I laid by her bedside. “My winning complex as you called it… I only realised how easy it was to break once I acknowledged the supportive people around me mattered much more than the laughs of people I couldn’t even call by name.”

I stopped talking for a second and thought about what it was that I erased from myself to change.

“Once I stopped looking at our classmates as a collective and started looking at them as individuals, I understood that each of them have unique names, distinct personalities, appearances fully their own, traits that only adds to their individuality… It sounds so silly, but they’re nothing more than people just like you and me… and yet I isolated myself from being an individual inside a group of individuals, in a bubble as solid as iron…” I only about now realised I had been rambling.

“And that bubble,” she continued, “despite it being cast-iron… you still made it pop, huh.”

I nodded, even though she couldn’t see it. “Can I ask you something now?”

I felt her nodding by her hat moving up and down against my neck.

There’s been something on my mind for a while now. “What did you mean by ‘I’m glad you found me.’”

Her pause lasted much longer than usual. I stared at the monochrome surroundings above the water, disturbed by a colourful blue bird fluttering across the lake.

“The feelings I tried putting on paper can’t be expressed in words alone… but if you bear with me for a bit, I’ll give it a try.”

“Of course, no need to rush.”

I heard her taking a deep breath before she tried putting her feelings into words.

“We saw each other for the first time at the school gates… but I had seen you long before in the pictures that dad showed me. I learned a lot about you through the stories that my dad told me after your trips. I’ve always been awkward around people, so when dad told me that you reminded him of me… I thought it would be nice if we could get along someday.”

She paused for a moment.

“But then, when I saw you at the gates, you were walking and happily chatting with a friend, after the initial surprise of seeing you with my own eyes, I realised we might not be as similar as I had hoped us to be. So when I saw you in the same class… and saw that you didn’t say a word, that you struggled with keeping eye contact and refrained from singing during karaoke… I thought…”

The sun broke through the clouds and made the lake glimmer. I felt her hat tilting down, she must be looking up at the sky.

“You’re just like me after all. Although that’s what I thought back then, it felt like I could never quite reach you and I worried that you might think I’m weird…”

I felt her shoulders turning around against my back.

“But when you said that I focus too much on the things I don’t like about myself instead of the things I do… I realised that even though you felt impossible to reach… you never really were far away at all.”

The best way to make things like this last longer, is to let it happen instead of forcing it. A heart to heart with Katsumata… she’s not a riddle to be solved, but a person I’d like to grow even closer to.

“Then, during summer break, I gathered all my courage to invite you to the festival.”

She rested her back against mine again.

“That’s when I realised I really had to change if I ever wanted to stroll next to the everchanging you. Even though I haven’t really managed to make my bubble pop… I don’t hate myself that much anymore. So, I’m glad you found me… and I hope you’ll stick around…”

Oftentimes when I don’t know what to say, I believe saying nothing might be better than saying words the wrong way, but when she phrased her feelings so vulnerably easy to grasp, I couldn’t simply leave it at a blank.

“Can I ask you something again?”

“Mmhmm.”

As I lost focus on the lake, colour started seeping into the scene again. “Why is it that you hate yourself in the first place?”

Her hat brushed up, meaning she held her head down. “I don’t know, it’s just… that I’m scared of the change I desire to occur… if that makes any sense.”

“I think you’re being too harsh on yourself.” I thought back to the ‘For every’ game I used to play with mom and dad, to test our knowledge. It’s a challenge like ‘for every animal you can name that lives underwater, I’ll name two.’

Giving the game a twist, I said. “For every thing you say you dislike about yourself, I’ll name two things I like about you. How about that?”

She didn’t answer instantly, but still agreed to play the game “…Alright. I dislike how I don’t really fit in.”

My turn, “I like the way you always wave at me, and I like how you sleep with millions of plushies, even in a guest room.”

She seemed a little hesitant to continue, perhaps because of the double-blow of compliments—if you could call them that, though I really did like the things I said.

“I dislike how I make everything awkward.”

“I like the way you hide your mouth behind the back of your hand when you giggle. I also like how you suddenly start rambling about stuff.”

“That’s something I dislike…” she whispered.

“Well, I like your obsession with the colour white… and I like how you eat peanuts one at a time.”

“Gosh,” she whispered, “The things you like are so weird…” I looked over my shoulder and saw her holding her face in her hands. “My turn again… I dislike the way my voice sounds.”

“I love the way it sounds,” I almost instantly followed-up. “…and I like how embarrassed you get when you try to say smooching.”

“I can say it just fine,” she refuted, “Smoo… gosh…”

I didn’t have to look around to know she was holding her face in her hands again.

“I feel like I’m winning,” I said. “Unless you’ve got more in the tank?”

I felt her turning around again, only her right shoulder was left pressing against the left side of my back. She paused for a bit before she said, “I hate… What I hate most is… that I can’t be honest about my feelings for you.”

When I saw her under the festival lights in her dazzling yukata, I felt my heart skipping a beat, but right now, after what she just said, it might not even work anymore. The rod, which I forgot I was still holding onto, fell out of my hands.

“…I’m sorry,” she said. “I wasn’t planning on blurting that out… but…”

I stood up to recast my rod and said, “I dislike that you’re apologising for the exact words I wanted to hear.” First my heartbeat stopped, now it’s racing so fast that it might give out any second.

The bait on my hook was gone, but when I turned around to get my bag, I saw Katsumata, also standing up, in front of it.

“I like that you make me feel special…” Her eyes drifted away. “Even when my head is telling me I’m not…” Her eyes slowly sank deep into mine again. “I’ve never felt this way before… but… I’m sure that this is…”


Just by looking eye to eye, I felt myself getting drawn in again; an irresistible impetus that wants to tug my head down.


Right now, we’re getting along more than fine… but what exactly are we, Katsumata?


She brightly glowed in the ray of sunshine that broke through the clouds. Just which one of us took a step closer for the two of us to stand this close together?


We’re friends now, right? But for how long will it stay that way…? For quite a while now, I’ve been running away from these feelings—scared to lose what we are, sprinting away from what we could be.

She closed her eyes.

Going even a step further would mean there surely would never be a way back.


I closed mine.


But these feelings have long been beyond my control. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this way, and I’m sure this feeling is called—love.


Putting everything we are at stake…

…we locked our two lips by the lake.