The Worst Reality

My new year started off like every year of my life since the accident – alone. Just as I'd discovered my feelings and seemingly rose above depression, I was close to losing her and was sinking back down. For the rest of winter break, I tried climbing back up.

There was still a chance. A chance that was there until it came true or went. My coma lasted for four weeks, so I knew no final verdict could be made until then. I hoped she'd wake up sooner, and feared if it was later. It was hard for me to remain optimistic and hopeful, because my mind had gone to a familiar dark place.

It put me in a web of fictional realities consisting of what if's.

What if she didn't wake up?
What if she did, but was paralyzed?
What if she did, but didn't…
I made sure to avoid that reality the most.

Once I entered school for my final semester, Daishi did his best to keep me entertained by playing soccer or just talking on the bench. In class, I recollected the times when it was only me and her in elementary school. I'd torture myself by drawing the realities where we spent middle and high school together in my notebook.

My peer outings for January were done with other orphans. It wasn't as enjoyable, but I did find a semblance of fun in getting to know more of the orphans. I had first assumed that I'd never like the outings because I didn't think I'd find any meaning behind them, but they were the epicenter of my content life.

After an eternity, or to most people – one month, it was February. During lunch, Daishi gave me a bag of fruit snacks courtesy of the cafeteria. I watched him play soccer and opened the bag. One of the fruits was an apple.

How could a common food be so connected to one specific person?

I took a bite of the apple and looked at the field as I contemplated more on the bench. I made a decision that day. I was going to visit her.

➼ ➼ ➼

She wasn't awake, so I couldn't stay for too long, but I could leave a gift like balloons or flowers. I did neither and chose to buy a certain yellow apple at the grocery store. When I entered the hospital, Dr. Takashi led me to her room.

There she laid, her resting face was like what I had seen twice before. Her long lashes didn't flutter to the air from the vents above. Her plump lips that spoke all of her passions and desires, but yet to receive a taste of passion themselves.

I placed the apple on a metal trolley at the foot of her bed and left without saying a word. My words would be saved for when it was confirmed that she remembered me.

I did my regular duties and went to sleep.

➼ ➼ ➼

Four days later, while I was on the bus back to the orphanage, I received a phone call from Dr. Takashi. It had happened on the day I visited: She had woken up.

I leaped out the bus at the next stop and sprinted like an olympian to the hospital. Air barely had a chance to enter my lungs by the time it was exhaled as I forced my feet across the city. I entered the doors and told the receptionist that I wanted to see her, and she told me her room number.

As I made my way there, I thought about what to talk about with her.
There's the Sapporo Snow Festival happenin' soon. Valentine's Day was goin' to happen after that. I guess it depends on when she leaves. Maybe––No, just focus on makin' sure she's okay first.

Dr. Takashi was waiting for me outside the room.

"Is it fine to see her?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Is she okay?"

"Physically speaking, her body is fine. There's no sign of any illnesses developing, nor are there any major injuries from the accident. However, I have to warn you about something."

I let her finish.

"We did a few tests the past several days and we concluded that her memory is currently a bit fuzzy."

I shifted my eyes from her to the room and slowly approached it. There wasn't enough courage in me to enter right away, so I took a peek. She was eating the apple I had left on the trolley while looking out the window.

I called her out, "Yo-Yoru-chan," but my voice was too quiet for her to hear. I tried again.

"Ri-Ringomori-san?" I said with a crack in my voice.

She heard that time and turned to face me. I saw the peaches in her eyes and a sudden smile appeared on her face.
"Vieira…kun?" she questioned. "You…came to…see me?"

My heart was thrown into a cauldron, and it was given a mix of emotions. She actually remembered me, but she used my family name and didn't refer to our inside joke. She also seemed somewhat reserved again. Why?

I didn't want to jump to conclusions, thinking she was like that because I did the same to her and she was just matching the energy. That had to be it.

She said, "It's been…so long since I last saw you. I'm…very sorry that I…stood you up for the peer outing."

I convinced myself I was right.
"It's been awhile, but I'm here with you now. Don't worry about the outin', it's not your fault."
I began to display a relieved smile.

I'd realized we were thinking about two different times, because the next thing she said withered away my smile and convinced conclusion.

"I was really looking forward to…going to Mt. Maruyama with…you."

She wasn't using our inside joke. At that moment, I had gone blind. I had gone deaf and had gone mute. My heart surely must have dropped to the floor, what else could explain the thud that just echoed across the room? Oh, it was my schoolbag.

I was stupid. Stupid for not being able to see the lack of passion in her eyes. The passion when I visited her during her cold, or when we drew and baked together, or when we went to Aomori together was no longer there. Her eyes were ones that hadn't experienced anything with me, back to last summer.

The reality that I wanted to avoid had come true. She was awake, alive, and well, but she didn't remember me. I wanted to ask more questions, but I was still mute. No sounds existed within me.

Dr. Takashi entered the room behind me. She made me hear again.
"Excuse us, Ringomori-san. I'm going to borrow Vieira-kun outside."

"Okay, Nozomi-sensei."

She led me outside so I could get fresh air into my lungs. I had regained my senses, except for my sense of coping. She leaned over a metal railing and let out a deep sigh.

"When she woke up, I told her what happened to her in the bus accident a month ago. She was physically fun, but her mind was different. We didn't know what kind of damage she may have suffered, so we put in a coma."

I knew that process painfully well.

"When we asked her if she could remember anything, she said her earliest memory was the last day of school before summer break."

Ringomori didn't forget me, but she had forgotten everything we did for the six months we were together, bonding with the peer outings. I felt lightheaded, I felt weak. The stars that appeared in the blue sky were moving at a fast pace. I wanted to faint, but Dr. Takashi didn't let me.

She forcefully grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face her.
"Focus, Vieira-kun, it's not over yet!" she shouted.

"Wh-What do you mean?"

"You," she murmured. "You are living proof that the state she's currently in right now isn't irreversible. How did you do it? How did you get your memories back?"

I looked up at her and wondered the same question. I had taken a while to answer because my thoughts were like an unfinished puzzle. The pieces were scattered, and I rushed to put them together. The peer outings coincided with something else.

"Proust effect," I said.