Remembering Again

I was on my bed, clinging onto my pillow. Liam right on the other side of the door.

"Reol, I've convinced our mom, so it's okay now. I'm not saying you have to force yourself into anything though. If the teacher forced you into it, you can get out of it whenever you want. But that's not what I came to say though... what I think is you should at least give it a shot. You don't have to feel invested in something right off the bat. Sometimes, you just have to try things out. If you don't like it, you can always move on. There's no harm in trying something new. And maybe in the process you'll actually find something you'll truly enjoy."

"But what if I don't. In the end, I'm never good at anything..." I said, trying to be loud enough for my voice to reach him. "Whatever I try... you've seen it too... I fail... and then everyone looks down at me."

Why does this feel so familiar? It's like I'm listening to the same old song from a cassette player right from the start once more. Even though I've never shared these words with him before... it's his first time hearing them.

"You're saying that you suck at everything?"

"Yeah... in everything. Everything that I do..."

"So what's wrong with that? Honestly, does anyone even care?"

"But they'll still be looking at me. It's not that I can avoid there eyes. And then, there's also our mother."

"Our... mother?"

"Yeah, it's like she's never-"

"No, that's not what I meant... from when did you start calling her mother? If I remember correctly, even just before I'd left..."

"It's nothing you should worry about. It's just... things changed after you left..."

"Reol, if you wouldn't mind, you can talk to me about it."

Yeah... I have a brother like him too, and I only discovered just today. It felt even more overshadowing, yet the shadow now carried a sense of calmness with it. "Okay, it's just that... after you left, Mom started expecting more and more from me, and I started to feel like I had to live up to your standards. I didn't know what to do? Everything was a mess! Calling her 'mother' just seemed like one more way to make her proud in my way. As if that's all I could do back then."

"I understand, Reol. But always keep in mind, you don't have to bear this weight all by yourself. You're an individual, and you should lead your life in a way that feels right to you. As for those who might criticize you for not excelling in something... their words shouldn't shape your identity."

Their words... All of a sudden, a rush of memories flooded my mind, like someone had opened a door I'd kept shut for too long. It felt strange how those moments hadn't faded into the distant past—it hadn't been so long since they occurred; yet, somehow, I'd managed to forget them.

"What you said a little while ago. Yes, they should all break! All those dull notions you've been clinging onto. Because, honestly, who cares?"

"If they tell you to quit, or don't let you do as you please, just say no in their face." 

"You've seen how uncertain the world around you is. It's your own life you're leading, and nobody else will live it for you."

"Trying something out doesn't mean your purpose should be to be good at it. Just do it as you like, enjoy it for yourself, and not for others. That's what matters the most, after all."

"So, sketch out the map of how you want it to be, and don't blindly follow what others have for say."

I flopped onto my bed, listening to his footsteps retreating down the stairs. My face stayed tucked into the sheets, muffling my frustrated sighs. Trying to gather my thoughts and find some peace, I reached out for a pen and the sheet of paper that was tacked to my desk.

How long has it been since we moved here? Not even a week... yet all that I had been thinking of was to just start fresh, to become a new me... I forgot what was really important for me. What I actually had to work on.

The reason I wanted to be a pilot when I was young...

The reason I kept trying things one after another just like my brother...

It's not just about being good at it; it's about finding joy in it for myself. It's like, for all this time, I've never experienced something like this before. When was the last time I did something solely for my own enjoyment? Even though I finally had this opportunity, I was still trapped in my own thoughts. I didn't reach out to John, even though he offered help with anything. I didn't even thank Emma, even though she clearly saved me from the mess today. What am I even doing, me?

The night before had been rough, my thoughts zooming like a runaway train. When morning arrived, I realized I'd overslept, longer than usual too. My morning began with a hasty grab for a lone slice of bread, already adorned with a generous layer of jam. I made my way towards the front door, juggling the slice in one hand while struggling to put on my shoes with the other.

In the midst of this chaotic moment, my brother came up to me.

"Good luck on your first day at the club, Reol," my brother said.

I gave a thankful nod, my mouth not quite empty from the hurriedly gobbled slice of bread. "Yeah, thanks."

While I still struggled with my shoes, my brother reached out, offering me a beige muffler. "It's not too chilly today, but take this. I got it for you. It'll match your black overcoat nicely."

A gift for me? I replied with a heartfelt, "Thanks a lot, brother," accepting the muffler with a warm smile. For now, held it in my hand rather than immediately wrapping it around my neck. I knew that if I wanted to make it to school on time, I'd have to dash the entire way.

Maybe because of the rushed pace of my morning, I somehow made it to school just in time, right before the homeroom class was about to start. Stepping inside, my eyes quickly landed on John. He was sitting at his desk, chatting with a few of our classmates.

On any regular day, passing by him wouldn't have been anything special. I would've just gone by without a word, looking straight ahead. But today was a departure from the usual. Today, I had made up my mind to do something unusual.

Step by step, my feet drew me nearer to John, my heart drumming with a blend of resolve and jitters. I reached his desk, inhaling deeply, and then stopped abruptly. Our eyes met, and his lips parted, ready to say something, but I spoke before he could.

"Good morning, John," I greeted him, the words slipping smoothly from my lips, without a hint of hesitation. It might have been a minor victory, but it felt like a monumental achievement in that instant.

John appeared momentarily surprised before breaking into his usual friendly smile. "Good morning, Reol."

"The weather's really nice today, right?" I tried to keep the conversation going.

"Yeah, not that cold too. By the way, is that muffler new?"

I glanced at the muffler hanging from my hand. "Oh, um... my brother brought it for me."

"It looks nice, not gonna lie. And also, how did your extra class go yesterday? Did you have any problems?"

I recounted the events from yesterday. "It happened just as you predicted. Not much really, but Mr. Clair somehow talked me into joining the Literature club..." I sighed.

"The Literature club...?" John's voice trailed off, creating a silence begging for words.

"Yeah, why?" I jumped into the gap, perplexed. "Is there something wrong?"

 "Oh, it's alright. You'll have a lot of fun-"

Before John could finish his sentence, Ms. Indy made her grand entrance, slamming a file onto her desk with an authoritative flourish. "Take your seats, everyone!"

I turned to John again. "I'll talk to you later, John."

"Yeah." He nodded in return.

As I took my seat, finally, it felt like I had made some progress for the first time. But I still couldn't turn my eyes towards Adica, partly because Emma had her eyes all the time at us, and also for what happened yesterday. She's already seen the pathetic side of me twice. What does she even think about me now?

I sighed inwardly, feeling trapped in this recurring cycle of insecurity. I guess I can't just shake it off, huh...? This persistent feeling, as if it clung to me like an unwelcome shadow.