Chapter 5:

Sugoi yo!! Salamander-san

The Yowie Hunt

As we journeyed along, we came to a forest of eucalyptus trees. To my horror, there were koalas in them. I began trembling as I remembered the trauma from the zoo.

"What's wrong mate? Ya scared they might drop down an kill ya? Don't worry mate, I got some special Vegemite just for that," Dumbee smiled.

He took off his hat and produced a container of Vegemite with a red "no sign" over a koala.

"Just smear it all over ya," Dumbee smiled as he smeared the Vegemite all over me.

I was so sticky, I couldn't move or talk. Dumbee then carried me as he sung a song and waltzed through the forest. When we reached the exit, he chucked me in a watering hole.

"It'll wash off nicely there mate," Dumbee smiled.

The water washed away the Vegemite, but I was so annoyed by this whole shtick, I let out a crazed scream.

*Roux lost 7 brain cells*

Suddenly, we heard rustling in the tree next to the watering hole. It wasn't a eucalyptus tree, but something was up there.

"Could it be the Yowie?" I hopefully asked.

"Nah, Yowies don't live in trees, mate," Dumbee replied.

"Maybe he climbed it?"

"There's no Yowie tracks mate."

I gazed at the ground. There were large human footprints, larger than any I had ever seen. It had to be the Yowie.

"HEY! ARE YOU THE YOWIE!?" I shouted up into the tree.

Suddenly, a tall man with big feet in a lime green bodysuit leapt down out of the tree.

"I'm yaoi!" he grinned as he landed on the ground.

Great, it was just another wacko. I began to hop away.

"Do not go past these lands! You have not made a sacrifice," Lime green bodysuit guy warned.

"The hell do you mean?"

"Shit mate! I've heard there's a dark spirit that asks for a payment to pass," Dumbee stated.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of an instrument playing as a small furry creature in a brown body suit crawled out from behind a tree.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu!" the creature declared.

"He ez here! The great Ketsuketsu has graced us with his presence!" Lime green bodysuit guy declared.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu!" Ketsuketsu stated as he held out his hand.

"He wants the sacrifice!"

"Well will any of this do?" I asked as I dumped out the loot I stole.

Ketsuketsu crawled over and examined the pile.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu," he stated.

"He says, this is pretty good, though not quite enough to do a lifetime membership pass," Lime green bodysuit guy stated.

"What more do I need? I'm not giving him my weapons," I growled.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu!"

"I'm into yaoi, so kiss the man," Lime green bodysuit guy translated.

"Oh, we just gotta kiss? No worries mate, I've kissed plenty of kangaroos before," Dumbee smiled as he grabbed me seductively.



*Roux lost 1,000,000 brain cells after having his first kiss stolen by Dumbee*


After I finished hurling, I queasily got up and turned towards Ketsuketsu.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu!" Ketsuketsu nodded in approval.

"He says you may pass, just remember to kiss again like that if you ever pass by here again," Lime green bodysuit guy explained.

I immediately hopped away as Dumbee trotted after me.

"Why so glum mate? I gave you the best kiss I'm capable of," Dumbee smiled.

"That was my first kiss..."

"Your first?"


"Sorry I screwed up, how bout another one to make ya feel better?"

"NO! NO! HELL ******* NO!"

I hopped away as fast as I could as Dumbee happily ran after me. Suddenly, we ran into a man in a floral shirt wearing a straw hat and khakis.

"You two want some rice balls? It's made from rice from my rice fields. Only 500,000 a piece," the man asked as he offered us some rice balls.

"Those are jelly filled doughnuts mate," Dumbee replied.

"We're good, we-MMPH!?"

Dumbee immediately shoved them in my mouth.

"That oughta sweeten things up," Dumbee smiled.

My face turned green as I tasted the contents of the rice ball.

"THE HELL IS IN THIS SHIT!?" I screamed as I spat it out.

"Shit!" the man smiled.


"Yeah, my name's Shitty Salamander,  better known as Shitty Sal. I make shitty shit," the man smiled.

*Roux lost 1,000,000 brain cells*

Suddenly, Shitty Sal went pale.

"Oh no! not those two!" he recoiled in fear.

I turned to see Ketsuketsu and Lime green bodysuit guy.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu!" Ketsuketsu glared.

"You're overdue on your payment! Hand over your soul!" Lime green bodysuit guy demanded.

"Hell no! You two are idiots! Besides, I learned some new moves from a guy called Masaru. He said this shit was invincible!" Shitty Sal declared.

He suddenly made weird hand motions and pulled down his pants. He was wearing a fundoshi.

We all stared at it.

"NOW! Eat my fist dumbasses!" Shitty Sal yelled as he attempted to punch Ketsuketsu and Lime Green body suit guy.

Except, he tripped over his own pants and face planted on the ground. Ketsuketsu, unamusingly stared at him and snapped his fingers. A gray plastic trash can appeared next to him. Lime green bodysuit guy picked it up and violently threw it down on Shitty Sal's back.

Shitty Sam screamed in pain as the trashcan broke upon impact with his back.

"Ore wa ketsu ga daisuki desu!" Ketsuketsu growled as he began smacking Shitty Sal's ass with a giant wooden paddle.

Dumbee smiled as I dragged him away from the spectacle. I really hate this place.