Taunted by a fake Frenchman

As we ventured forth, a stone tower came into view. A French flag flew from the tower's roof.

"Huh? I thought France didn't exist in this world," I said aloud.

"What are you talking about mate? There are plenty of French isles around the world," Dumbee smiled as he pulled out his map.

Oh right, France did have some islands under their jurisdiction. I guess that means any country that has island territories exists in that capacity.

"I've heard the French have explored the whole Outback," Dumbee smiled.

"Maybe they know where the Yowie is. Let's ask them," I suggested.

"Nah mate, I wanna find em with you on are own."

"I just want to get out of here, I'm asking the French," I growled.

As I approached the main entrance, a man in a suit of armor gazed down at me.

"And who are you?" the man said in a thick French accent.

"I'm Roux, I was wondering if you knew where to find the Yowie," I asked.

"Hon hon hon! Ze Yowie? I ave never heard of such a beast," the Frenchman replied.

"So the Yowie doesn't exist. Well, that doesn't surprise me. Thanks for the information."

"I LIED! ZERE EZ A YOWIE!"

"Huh!?"

"You fell for it you stupid kangaroo! You imbecile!" the Frenchman taunted.

"So which is it!?"

"I am not telling an idiot with only 69 IQ!"

"The hell!? How do you know-"

"I did not, but you just told me! Monsieur 69! Hon hon hon! You really are stupid!"

I HATE THIS BASTARD!

"Screw you! I'm leaving."

"Your mother was a gerbil, and your father smelled of raspberries! Also I'm not really French!"

"THAT'S IT I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!"

*Roux failed to realize he had been taunted by the fake Frenchman. In his rage he tried barging through the gate, and trying to reach the top of the tower by various means. He cartoonishly failed, and the taunting only increased. By the time Dumbee smacked Roux back to his senses, Roux had lost 69,000,000 brain cells*

"I told ya not to do it mate," Dumbee said.

"SCREW THAT FRENCHMAN! I WANNA KILL HIM!" I shouted as I whipped out my shotgun.

To my dismay, he dodged every shot, all while dancing and shaking his ass at me.

Dumbee then whipped out a boomerang and threw it, only for it to come back and behead us.

*Roux lost 70 brain cells to revive himself and Dumbee*

We respawned a distance away from the tower.

"The map says there's a path through that cave, lets go in it," Dumbee said as he dragged me towards a cave.

I turned towards the castle and noticed something getting launched from a trebuchet aimed at us. WAIT!

Before we could react, we were crushed by a wildebeest.

"Hon hon hon! You ave been crushed by ze wildebeest! Also, I AM technically French!" the fake Frenchman taunted through a megaphone.

*Roux lost 70 brain cells to revive himself and Dumbee*

"Apologies," the wildebeest said as he trotted away.

I bolted for the cave as Dumbee followed behind. We SOMEHOW managed to get through the cave without incident.

I then saw Richelieu and his trash bag.

"Are we getting close?" I asked.

"Getting there. Continue through the bamboo forest and you'll find a river. Float down it, then you'll reach a plateau. Cave's right across," Richelieu stated.

"Th-thanks."

"Oh yeah, now tell me the capital of Assyria, Bitch!"

"I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAHH!"

Suddenly I found myself screaming as I flew high into the air. I fell down and splattered all over the ground.

*Roux lost 69 brain cells to revive himself*

"THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?"

"The cost of information. Well now you know. Better find the answer to getting out of this hell though. Bye Bitch!" Richelieu laughed as he vanished. This time, no goo was left behind.

"Crikey mate! I never knew you could jump so high mate. Too bad you blew the landing," Dumbee smiled.

Must I reiterate how much I hate this place?