Bitter Tears

I take another breath and one last pause to steel my convictions as I draw nearer to Juna’s room. When I stand before her doorway I’m shaken to the depths of my soul.

The sight of her doorway shut tight is such a simple sight. Yet even though its wooden surface is the epitome of mundane, it carries all of the feeling of a fortress wall. But I give it my best to give its intimidation no quarter and force myself to rap on the door.

“Juna. It’s me.” A cold silence comes back to me. “I’d been declared to have fantastic health so they’d cleared me to go free.”

Despite my difficulty to believe she would respond, I give her an opening to speak. As regrettably expected, it’s as quiet as a cemetery on the other side of the door.

“I was hoping that I would get the chance to see you. I’d missed you on the way out from that place. You’ve been on my mind the whole way through. I’d heard that you’d suffered a concussion from the incident. I’d be grateful to see you again and see how you’re doing myself.”

Still no change in circumstances.

“There is a medical practitioner who will be staying with us. If not myself, then I hope that you’ll allow her to keep up on your health.”

This next bout brings a heavy laden sigh from my chest. I glance away and down the hall for a moment of psychological reprieve before I return attention to her doorway. Then and there I’m leveled by a most indescribable and nearly barbaric sensation.

My mind is filled to overflowing like a cup submerged by a tidal wave. Images, all the same vision flash in my mind as I stare forward. Feeling outside of myself a thousand times yet still standing in my own body. That door becomes more vivid and real than anything else, like a layered image reaching greater depths with all of the collected samplings which converge.

“Have I…? I’ve seen this before. Everything that has happened in this conversation has happened before.”

I struggle in the darkness of disbelief but a light beneath it all illuminates a feeling which is impossible to deny.

Deja vu.

I’m paralyzed still. Feeling the moment, overwhelmed by its sheer magnitude. I strain myself and give pursuit to know if this feeling is truth or if it’s something brought on by my hospitalization.

“Where do I go from here? I need to do something. Anything…!”

In those endlessly flashing experiences that feel like a delusion and a reality all the same, I witness pale skin. Not a breath more being breathed. That thought breaks me from my indecision and stupor. I boldly place my hand on the doorknob and know beyond shadow of a doubt that it’s been left unlocked. It opens simply so and I step inside.

The books on the desk, the dimness of the room from the pulled blinds… her form laying curled on her bed beneath her covers. It comes back to me yet it’s all new. The one thing I know is that I must act.

“I won’t be apologizing for my intrusion.”

An indomitable courage comes to my heart. I step forward into her room and towards her bed. Against the image of her tears in the rain, the wound on her chest and all that comes with it, I call an end to the fears which wreathed me in chains.

“No more. I’m not going to step down and let myself be so aimless and pathetic.” I speak boldly and demand strength from myself. “That person isn’t me. That’s not who I am. And this isn’t the Juna I know.”

I seat myself on her bedside and face towards her where she rests. She quickly places the cover over her head and cowers.

“I didn’t get the chance to tell you what I’d really felt when you were there in the hospital with me.” I say with a sharp intake to give fuel to the fire burning in me. “I was so damn frustrated. I’ve been so damn frustrated.”

By the light flinching of her body I can tell well that she’s listening and my confession has found its place.

“Feeling so afraid to make the wrong move, afraid that anything I could do would only make things worse. I was so worried that I’d might push too hard on accident. I’d felt so hopelessly lost.

“Watching you rot away but feeling like too much of an idiot to try. With all of these thoughts and feelings just making a mess of me. All that I wished I could say and do but holding myself back every single time as I gave into the fear that keeps sabotaging me every step of the way.”

I grab the curtains and thrust them open to look outdoors and towards the bluer skies above. Having a moment of thought while watching a cloud, catching the quickly shifting tones of my mind to continue my thought.

“I’ve held myself back from you for stupid reasons I’d never once spoken to anyone. I may not be able to speak of it now, but I will someday. Maybe someday soon. And you’re going to be there with me then. Always, just as we’ve been together for all of these years.

“Everything that happened was a mistake. Mistakes from our own emotions going awry. I could never hold anything against you. What happened is no exception. If you’d had intended to kill me, I wouldn’t think twice to forgive you for it. All that I was grateful for was that you were still alive. I wouldn’t need anything more than that. When I woke up and heard that you were alive and well, it was an amazing relief.”

Returning my sights from the heavens, I peer back down to her laying hidden before me.

“I understand that all that’s troubling constitutes more than this, but you need to hear this from me and I won’t back down. Because it’s the truth.

“That night long ago beneath the rain scarred me. All of my failures I’d believed myself to have made had made me afraid that I would cause you nothing but distress if I made the wrong move. So I made the mistake of walking on eggshells and handling you as if you were made of glass when what I should have done was pull you out of this room and do everything possible to help you after what you’d faced.”

I sigh deeply as the next confession coming is one for myself first and then for her.

“Ever since I’d woken up in that hospital bed, I’ve been feeling like I hadn’t been myself. As if I hadn’t been who I truly am for the longest time. Longer than I can remember. For all the blessings I’ve had of my dreams coming true, I’ve begun to realize just how many more of my dreams would be already have been reality if only I hadn’t sold myself cheap and thought less of who I am.

“After all of my time, after all of the wasted moments thinking that I couldn’t have those dreams, how much further and how much more wonderful could our lives have been together if only I’d been myself?”

A silence returns and not a word is exchanged between the two of us. Having spoken my mind, I get up from the bed and prepare to be on my way. Holding the door in my hand, thinking to myself for one final moment, I hear her covers rustling.

“I… I’m sorry that I can’t speak right now.” She mutters depressed.

I turn around to see her facing the window. Peering out from it, her expression is kept a secret for all but the sky. Her disheveled blouse is wrinkled from her sorrowful recluse.

“I’m sorry for everything, Khiron. But I… I…” She shivers with her sadness. I can tell that a great part of this sorrow is for the fact she worries what her confession will do to me. “I… don’t want to be a knight anymore.”

The words embed in my breast like a knife but I endure their bitter edge. Though unreasonable, I’d had a premonition those words were coming shortly and when they’ve been let out, that sense of deja vu returns. I stare at her form outlined by the noon light and see all of its beauty.

“I understand… but this isn’t over yet. And you’re not over yet. I don’t care what you have to say, think or feel about that. That feeling is going to change.”

Though those words could sound cold and heartless, they’re a promise from the bottom of my heart and from all the love I have for her. No matter what, she’ll be a knight yet and I’ll make her dreams come true myself if I must.

I let her be and depart from her for the day.