Sitting Through

After our conversation, Adica eventually exited the nurse's office. I buried my face in the pillow, hoping to keep my emotions hidden. I could hear Adica's footsteps slowly receding, but then they abruptly halted. Soon, I caught snippets of conversation.

"Adica, did you come to see how Reol is doing?"

"Yeah, I did. I'll head back to the ground now."

"Alright, I'll be heading back soon as well."

It was John's voice. Talk about bad timing. He was the last person I wanted to encounter at this moment.

Their voices faded, and their footsteps gradually filled the room again. I peeked from under the pillow, just enough to see John entering this time, holding a clipboard. As he approached, I let the pillow drop back onto my face and covered it with my hand. His expression was devoid of any warmth or light. It was as if his gaze had been washed over with ice, leaving him to stare at me without apparent thoughts. Or maybe he was contemplating what to say. Honestly, I would be relieved if he was here just to check on me. With the pillow back over my head, I silently wished that he would assume I had fallen asleep and leave me alone.

John's footsteps echoed in the small nurse's office. I kept my eyes closed, feigning sleep, but every creak of the floorboards seemed to draw nearer. "Reol, are you awake?" John's voice was gentle. I remained silent, hoping he would give up and leave me in peace. "Okay," he continued, his tone now mockingly serious, "I suppose I'll just have to wait until you run out of breath playing dead."

Huh, he saw through? Resigned, I abandoned my pretense and pushed the pillow aside, taking in deep breaths. John chuckled. "As much as I appreciate your theatrics, I think it's safe to say you're doing fine," he remarked.

I couldn't help but smile back. "Yeah, yeah, you win this round."

John took a seat beside the bed and sighed. All of a sudden, his playful demeanor faded. "Remember that day when I told you I'd subject you to my rambling again one day?"

I tensed. "Yeah..." Why was he bringing that up now?

"Are you ready for it now?"

"Why now?" I asked.

"I don't think I'll have a better opportunity than this... with just the two of us here."

"Is it that urgent? Shouldn't you wait a bit longer, then?"

But, as always, it was impossible to discern what was going on in his mind. "No, waiting isn't an option."

"Okay then, what is it?" I said, taking a quick swig.

"Well, here it is," John began. "My dad is getting transferred, and we'll be leaving town in about a month."

And he just dropped that bombshell. I blinked, struggling to process his words. Leaving? It couldn't be true. I attempted to swallow his words whole, but they felt lodged in my throat. "What are you saying, John?"

"Didn't you hear? I'm leaving town in about a month. That's all I wanted to tell you."

This time, my breath caught in my throat, and the color drained from my face. My once-steady hands now trembled, the weight of this newfound truth sinking in like an anchor pulling me into the depths of despair. "Does Adica know?" I managed to ask, the first thing that came to mind, my voice shaky.

John shook his head. His expression was filled with guilt. "No, I haven't told her yet. I thought I'd wait until the day I have to leave."

"And when did you find out about the transfer?"

"I can't remember exactly..." John leaned back in his chair, his shoulders slumping. "Maybe it was at the end of summer break."

"End of summer break? And you've kept it a secret all this time? Why didn't you tell her back then?" My frustration was evident in my voice. "She would have had to suffer less if you had told her back then, rather than waiting until now."

John's eyes met mine. They weren't saying anything... just the blank gazes they had before "I know, Reol, but... I couldn't. You know me too well... don't you? You know I just couldn't bring myself to tell her."

My voice felt like it is burning out everything inside me. One second, I try to keep them contained, and the pain that follows feels immeasurable. "But now she'll have to bear even more pain than before! Can't you understand that?"

"Yeah... I know that... but I still had something to do... something I just couldn't give up." He cleared his throat, as if steeling himself to continue. "I wanted to help Adica... I wanted to be there for her. That was my sole intention. From the start, I never intended to hurt her. Not even now."

"Then why are you putting her through this? Why did you give her your love, only to shatter it like this?"

"You're wrong, Reol! Completely wrong! It's not like that at all! Not at all! From that day at the amusement park... it was never meant to turn out the way you think it has. You've got it all twisted."

"I'm wrong? What do you mean?"

John leaned forward, his hands supporting his knees, while he covered his forehead with his hand like a shield. He took shallow breaths, trying to compose himself. I shifted to the right, allowing my legs to fall and hang off the edge of the bed. I've been too quick to judge... I needed to hear him out.

"John, please explain it in a way I can understand... I'm not grasping any of what you're saying."

"Reol," he moved his hands away from his forehead, his eyes returning to mine. "Remember what I told you that day... after one of our group study sessions?"

"That thing about Adica...?"

"Yeah, that's it. There's a part of her that we know nothing about. It bothered me for quite some time after that, and I tried to push the thought aside at some point. But I couldn't do it... if something was troubling her, I wanted to help her overcome it. I suppose I reached my breaking point at the beach. I realized that if I didn't try to reach out to her, nothing would ever change. Or the worst, it might be me who'll end up hurting her next time. But I didn't want that!"

"So, you confessed to her because you wanted to get closer to her and understand her better," I clarified.

"It was after we'd been dating for a while that I started to grasp things little by little. She's not someone who easily opens up. But eventually, she did. You remember... that time... when Adica mentioned how she always tries to see the good in everything, giving everything a positive role?"

"What about it?"

"It's not just about the way she views the world, but in a way, she wants the world, and everyone around her, to perceive her too. Her parents are strict, I don't know much about it, but I can sense it. She's constantly seeking their approval. And it's the same with everyone else. Sure, she's good at her studies, and she's quite attractive, but there are countless other things she wishes others would acknowledge about her. Even for the little things, the insignificant things, she wants acceptance. Yet, at the same time, she's afraid of rejection, terrified that someone will cast her in a negative role in their life."

"You've learned a lot about her, haven't you?"

John's voice hitched, letting out a shaky sigh. "You could say that, in a way, we've both experienced similar feelings at different points in our lives. Right now, she's like... an older version of me... a version of me I loathed."

"Even after all you've shared with me, you're still planning to leave her behind? Are you kidding me?"

"You don't get it, Reol... even after learning so much about her... no, no... it was because I learned so much that I realized, I can't protect her."

"What do you mean you can't protect her. Just stay behind... I know you can do that... but Adica would break if were to leave right now."

"I wish I could, Reol. If I could protect Adica, I would have made that choice long ago, and we wouldn't be having this conversation now. It would have been much simpler that way."

"You're not making any sense, John. Who said you can't protect her!?"

Our voices had reached a fever pitch, an air of thick tension permeating between our words.

"I've told you! I've said it! Tell me, Reol, don't you have any feelings for Adica?"

"John, that's not the issue here. My feelings for her are irrelevant right now! Even if I do have feelings for her, her pain when you leave won't diminish. It won't make things any easier."

"You're wrong, Reol. It does matter. Just give me an answer. Do you have feelings for her?"

"You never listen, do you? I've told you a hundred times, but you just don't get it!" My voice was brimming with frustration. John, equally exasperated, shot back, "But I can tell, Reol. The way you look at Adica, how at ease she is when she is talking to you, when she is around you, I can tell..."

The room felt like it was closing in around us, "yeah, she is my friend. How many times do I have to tell you, she has helped me a lot. With my studies and everything," and my patience was wearing thin. "Don't just go on and assume everything."

John's defenses went up. "But if it's you, Reol, you can protect her. Better than I ever could."

"Me? Protect her? Don't joke with me!"

John's temper flared as he raised his voice even louder. "Yeah, if it's you, you can surely protect her. When she was with me, when we were dating, she always had a smile on her face and laughter, but I couldn't always tell if it came from her heart. But... even if it was just for a few moments... when she was with you, you could see those genuine laughs in her. Whenever you're around, Reol."

Deep inside, it felt like a raging storm, an overwhelming urge to scream, to let out the pent-up emotions that had been festering for far too long. It was as if my heart had become a pressure cooker, the steam building with each passing moment.

I clenched my fists, my nails dug into my palms, chest tightened, and my breath came in ragged, uneven gasps as if my lungs couldn't quite keep up with the intensity of my emotions. "Like you'd just say that, and it will become true. Don't give me that. DON'T GIVE ME THAT!! If I really could... then I would never leave her side! I WOULD NEVER! I also wanted to help her. I wanted to... help her. But I can never be like you, John. It pains me... but I'm not like you. I wish I could be like you, expressing my feelings so openly and connecting with others. If only I could do that... I wouldn't have to hurt so many people... including myself! EVEN I WANTED TO PROTECT HER!"

"Damn it!" His hand struck the cupboard beside my bed. "Damn it!" The next time, even louder. "Damn it!" He shouted even louder, as if the board was on the brink of breaking at any moment. "DAMN IT! Don't just say that so casually. Even I... even I... I wanted to be like you too! Don't say it so effortlessly before me. "

I closed my eyes, trying to suppress the screams that were still left inside and threatened to escape. His words, the frustrations, the disappointments, and the regrets echoed loudly in the chambers of my heart. Then in a matter of seconds, John's fingers clenched my shirt in a vice-like grip, his face inches away from mine. "DAMN IT! Don't act like you don't have a clue! You know it all too well! I can never be like you. Neither you can... become like me. We have to walk down our own paths. There are things I can do, but you can't. And the same is the other way around. So don't act like you're clueless."

"Let go of me, John! You're suffocating me!" I struggled, trying to break free from his grip.

But in that charged moment, neither of us seemed willing to back down. "Reol, there are things that neither you nor I can do. We have to accept that and confront ourselves. There's no other way."

"You know... Emma told me a lot about Adica after that incident... so I understand why Adica's been suffering in silence for so long. I knew... I knew everything... and yet here I am, someone who still couldn't reach out to her and hold her hand. I'm not the hero you think I am, John. I can't protect her. Even though you knew nothing about her, you were able to do what I couldn't from the start."

He didn't let me finish, before landing a fierce punch towards my face. The impact was brutal, a sickening thud that echoed through the room as John's fist connected with my cheek. I staggered backward on the bed, clutching my face in pain, a stunned expression in my eyes.

"ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES! FORGET IT! Don't tell me you can't keep her safe. Don't give me that!"

"You DID protect her!"

"YOU DID LOOK OUT FOR HER, YOU FOOL!"

"Maybe it didn't mean that much to you, but whenever you were around, she was happy. She laughed! she smiled! If you claim it means nothing... then that just means I've been wasting all my time till now! Don't abandon her again. Get your act together already!"