Far More Than Before

Will I really be able to protect her?

My phone chimed with a new message. It was from John.  It had been a while since we had a real conversation. After the rollercoaster of emotions we had been through recently, I can guess of just one thing he might getting in touch for.

And my guess was correct.

Hey, Reol. I will be leaving tomorrow. Can we meet up before we leave?

Of course, John. I'd like to see you too. Where should we meet?

My place, duh. I frowned at his curt response, my fingers dancing over the screen as I typed my next question. Have you talked to Adica about this? Does she know you're leaving tomorrow? The ellipsis indicated that John was typing a response, and I waited anxiously for his reply. But when it came, it was as cryptic as ever.

See you tomorrow then.

I sighed. John's message just left me with more questions than answers.

The walk to John's place felt heavier than the steps themselves. It was as if a million thoughts were swirling inside my head, each one vying for attention. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to express to John before he left. From the very first day in our new class to today, I could count on one hand the number of times John had come to my rescue. But anything, he called me a friend.

Yeah, a friend.

In class, when I felt like an outsider.

During the unforgettable Christmas Party.

Those new New Year fireworks.

All those countless hours we spent studying in the library.

Throughout the summer break, with its thrilling moments.

But amidst all these memories, a part of me grappled with a strange feeling. It was as if the words I wanted to share, the feelings I wanted to convey, were just beyond my reach. I had never been able to get John to sit down and listen to my ramblings. It had always been the other way around. And now, he's about to leave. Without even giving me a chance.

As I neared the turn leading to John's house, a figure whizzed past me at breakneck speed. It was Adica, and she was in tears. John stood before his house, his hand tightly clutching his shirt over his chest. My legs, seemingly out of control, moved like a frantic pendulum, but I couldn't make a move.

"Reol," John called my name, snapping me out of my stupor. I turned to face him. "So, you've come."

"John, what did you tell her?" I rushed towards him, pushing his hand aside and gripping both of his shoulders. "Why was Adica crying? Did you hurt her?" My hands trembled, my fingers digging into his shirt.

"Don't worry. I just apologized... told her I'm leaving suddenly. Please, Reol, go after her now."

I couldn't contain my confusion. "When are you leaving? Is it right now, or will it be a while later?"

John pushed both my trembling hands away gently. "We can talk later. You have my number. Just go after Adica now. It's what you should be doing."

He urged me forward, encouraging me to go. I looked down a moment and made my mind. "I'll call you once I'm back home. See you then, John."

"Yeah, see ya!"

And with that, I turned and raced in the direction Adica had run.

My mind was awash with thoughts and emotions. What do I say when I catch up to her? How do I comfort her? What if she doesn't want to see me right now? My thoughts turned into a chaotic mess of uncertainty, with questions spinning like a wild whirlwind, never stopping.

As I turned corners and raced down streets, all those moments we'd shared together were flooding back like a broken dam. The laughter, the chuckles, the long walks back home from library, the times we'd confided in each other... one after the other, like watching on old 90's movie. It felt like a lifetime ago, and yet, it had all been just a few moments in time. I've still got so much to tell her! So much to ask her! So much to share! So many emotions... I want to convey... I'm not going to fall behind this time. This time... I won't leave your side, Adica. 

I'm quite a fast runner after all.

After what felt like forever, luck was on my side. I found Adica at a pedestrian overpass, her eyes locked onto the traffic below, lost in thought. Her hands gripped the railings, teetering on the edge, yet another moment, and it seemed like she'd let it go. It was a sight I knew all too well... like that day on the rooftop when I'd thought ending it all.

I couldn't help but think about how fragile we all were. The people we love could be suffering silently, and we might never know until it's too late. I couldn't let that happen to Adica. I couldn't stand by and watch her suffer alone.

"Adica," I called out, grappling with self-doubt. Could I really do this? Could I reach her after all this time, after all I'd been through? Doubts gnawed at me like always.

After a blink, her gaze slowly shifted, meeting my eyes. They were red and puffy from crying, but she looked at me. In that instant, it was as if time itself froze, leaving just the two of us in a suspended moment. Pain etched into her eyes, and her lips moved slightly, as if she wanted to speak but couldn't find the words.

I took a step closer, my eyes expressing the message that I was there for her, that she wasn't facing this moment alone. In that fleeting second, I wished I could take away her pain, make everything right again.

It doesn't matter if it's me. Who I am is not important... you are the one who truly matters! "Adica..."

"Reol...?" A lone tear escaped from her eyes, tracing a wordless path down her cheeks before her hand tenderly brushed it away. "What are you doing here?" Her hands then rose to her face, as if attempting to erase the unwelcome tears. "Ah, um, why am I crying?"

"Adica, I-" No words were coming out. What should I tell her? How could I make her understand?

"Reol, I didn't want you to see me like this." She shook her head, her voice barely a whisper now. "Reol, please... just go away. I need some time alone."

Her words pained my heart, but I couldn't grant her request this time. I knew that if I left her now, I'd never be able to forgive myself.

Never.

"I can't leave you like this," I said, my voice unwavering. "If there's something that's troubling you, then you can share with me. I'll hear you out. But this time..."

This time...

"I'm not leaving your side!"

Adica's shoulders bowed down, and she let out a shaky breath. "I know you mean well, Reol, but right now, I just need some space. Please..."

"If you tell me..." I took a step closer, "the reason," reaching out to gently touch her arm. "or else I won't leave."

"It's nothing. Reol, I'm saying the truth. It's really nothing..."

"Is it because John is leaving?"

Adica gaze flashed back on my way, her eyes searching mine for something I couldn't quite discern. "So John had already told you? Was it only me in the dark then?"

I shifted my gaze, my eyes following the long road stretching into the distance, eventually melding with the western horizon. It was aptly named the "sunset road" for a reason. "Adica, if we stick around for a few more hours, we could catch the sunset from here, don't you think? I've always wanted to see it."

"Hm, it's really pretty from here."

"Right? Emma was also bragging about it one day in the club room, saying that she watched it with you from right here."

"Hm."

"It's really pretty, the way it rises and sets every day. The same thing over and over again. You know, I learned it not so long ago... that even these trivial things seem beautiful, when we can smile at them with someone beside us. Adica, I might not fully understand what's troubling you... well, maybe a tiny bit. We can never truly grasp another person's feelings, that's impossible. But one thing I do know is that I want to keep cherishing this sunset for the rest of my life. Not in some distant life where all pain vanishes, but right here, in this world. With all its flaws and uncertainties. Because nowhere else will I be able to enjoy this!"

"Reol, I can't make sense of anything you're saying..."

"Adica, please..." My voice wavered, the words escaping with more force than I'd anticipated. "Please... don't even consider doing something like that! Don't think of throwing your life away." The weight of the words felt like a toll on my very soul.

"What are you talking about? It's not like that... Reol-" Her fingers covered her eyes again, as if trying to hide her tears and the emotions they carried. "It's... not like... that... please, just go away." She averted her gaze, her fingers clenching the railing even tighter. "Just go away."

"I won't, Adica. I won't leave you."

"Please..."

"Adica, for all my life... I've been searching, searching... yet I didn't even know what I was searching for. What my destination might be. I felt lost, utterly hopeless, like a total failure. But I've finally found you. It took my entire life... and I'm here now, by your side. So, I won't let go of you this time."

"Don't say it like that. When you don't understand a thing. When you haven't seen the world through my eyes. After everything I've done... everything I've tried... when it's never enough. What do you even understand?" Adica's gaze remained fixed on the ground, avoiding everything around her, as if the weight of the world bore down on her shoulders. I walked gently up beside her. She didn't react, lost in her own world.

I reached out, wrapping my arms around her, drawing her into a warm, comforting embrace. At first, she appeared startled, her body tense in my arms, but then gradually, she relaxed, releasing a deep, shuddering breath. Adica's tears wet my shoulder, and I held her tighter, as if trying to shield her from the world and its troubles, if only for a moment. "It's true, I really have no idea about the suffering you've endured all this time. You're still searching, just like I once was. So please, let me give you a hand. Let's look for it together. It might take a few years, maybe even a decade, or perhaps just a single day. I'll wait until then. And when that moment arrives, let's enjoy this same sunset again... with a smile!"

Her breath seemed to tremble, as if she were trying to say something. I attempted to release her, but her hands clung to me tightly, refusing to let go. 

"I'm here. Don't worry. I'm not leaving this time, Adica."

I always had to lose my path before finding my answer. But in truth, everyone experiences this. Trust me. There will be times far more than before to start believing in new beginnings. I know it for sure.