The Sunset That Erased Us

Dear Diary,
Recently, there have been more people taking their lives at school. One of my friends told me that some people can see Thanatos, and it takes the form of your ideal companion. Whenever I see someone attractive now, I try to avoid them. I know I'm isolating myself, but I believe it's worth it if I can make it through high school.

Dear Diary,
Today, a boy asked me out. Of course, I couldn't understand why he was so open about his feelings. Especially since, for all he knows, I could be his Thanatos. People like him need to be more careful nowadays.
But that's not the point. Despite finding him attractive, I couldn't help but feel nothing towards him. I turned him down, but I wonder if it's because of my newfound fear of falling in love or if there's something more...

Dear Diary,
Today, something strange happened. I was walking to class as usual when I heard the piano in the music room. The piano has always been my favorite instrument; its sound is consistently perfect. It makes me feel emotions that no other instrument can elicit.
The person playing made me feel complete tranquility, a feeling I'm no longer acquainted with. Out of curiosity, I peered through the tiny window on the door. Inside, a girl around my age was playing the piano. Her long black hair was swaying gently in the breeze from an open window.
Almost as if on cue, the girl turned to look at me. Her most notable feature was her downturned grey eyes which matched her pale skin and made her look perpetually depressed. I couldn't help but notice the scattered moles on her face, which only added to her beauty.
Her eyes widened when she caught me staring; I so badly wanted to walk in and explain myself, but I froze in place. Unable to turn the knob, I ended up walking away.

Dear Diary,
I'm conflicted about my feelings for that girl. I know I said I'd avoid people I find attractive, but... even if I could see Thanatos, there's no way it'd be a girl, right? My ideal companion can't be another girl, so talking to her should be fine.
I had always wondered why I'd never felt true love before; I always brushed it off, believing it was because I'm only 14. But now, I can't erase this girl from my mind.
Enough of that, though! I see the music room across the hall. I feel my heart skipping beats as I think about the song she played the other day; that song could easily become my favorite tune.
I'm determined to talk to her if she's there.

Dear Diary,
I did it! I talked to her! She was surprised when I spoke to her; she didn't even realize her playing was loud enough to be heard right outside. Her speech was a bit awkward and flustered, but she transformed into another person when she played the piano again.
She showed me some basic piano skills by placing her soft yet cold hands on mine. This made me feel hot and flustered, and I didn't learn anything about the piano at that moment. I have come to realize that my feelings for her are more than just friendship; it's love.
I'm no longer afraid of death. I feel a strong connection to her and believe that we are meant to be together forever. Is that crazy to say? Even if it is, I don't care.
Please God, if you're reading this, make her realize my feelings.

Oh, I forgot to mention. She said her name is Amane, using the kanji for heaven and sound. Silly me.

Dear Diary,
I skipped class to be with Amane today. I don't care about my grades anymore; I'd fail a thousand tests if it meant I could see her again. Her voice is like finally tasting a piece of candy after going on a diet; so sweet and perfect. We just sat in the music room for hours, talking about our home lives, our hobbies, music, whatever we could find to talk about. It felt like she was the one for me, my perfect puzzle piece.
Without even thinking, I spoke.

"Amane?"
"Hm?" She looked up from the piano keys, her face slightly confused.
"I um..." I didn't know what to say to her next.
Why did I start talking?
Amane put on a patient smile as if she knew what I wanted to tell her.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me yet; I'll wait an eternity if I have to."
I shook my head, "I don't want to wait to tell you! You don't understand... you're the only person to make me feel this way!"
She smiled and hugged me; I could smell the citrus-scented shampoo in her hair as she stroked her hand through mine.
So, Amane and I are now dating.

Dear Diary,
It's been a few months. I left you in the music room when I first started dating Amane and never came back for you. If I had, maybe everything would still be okay.
The next day, there was writing on my desk, calling me horrible names, and a delicate flower sitting in a vase. I thought surely this was a mistake; what did I ever do to upset someone? It wasn't until I dug through my bag that I realized... Someone must have read my diary. All of this because I fell in love with a girl.
I ran out of class to find Amane, only to find she wasn't there. I haven't seen her again since then; I wonder if my bullies found her and drove her out of school. If that's the case, I could never forgive them.
I found you inside the toilet with vulgar writing scribbled on the cover. But it's okay now because I have you back. No one will ever read another word I've written.

Dear Diary,
The bullying hasn't stopped. At this point, I'm considering switching schools, but would it even matter? I'm going to high school soon anyway. It'd be easier to just keep going until I graduate. I've realized that I need to control my emotions better, otherwise, this will be my life.
I never did move on from Amane.
I'm still praying every day to see her smile, even if it's one last time. Funnily enough, it's the same thing I wished for before we started dating. Something in my heart is telling me that this prayer won't be answered. Still, though, I'd like to hold out hope. Even with the bullying, my life only feels incomplete because she's left.

Dear Diary,
Something called me onto the train platform this evening. I realized how tired I looked in the reflection of a metal pole; my hair was messy and lazily braided, and I couldn't even put in enough effort to put my clothes on properly. What's the point in looking put-together if someone's going to come to mess it up every time I try?
I look at the sky, the oranges and reds of the sunset beautifully blend as the sun looms just above the horizon. For the first time in almost a year, a smile forms on my face.
Then, someone calls out my name. A voice so familiar, a voice that I hear in my dreams every night.
"Amane?"
She greets me with a kiss.
"Ah... it's been a while. You're beautiful, darling," she wrapped her arms around me, burying my face in her chest, where I couldn't help but release tears. Her appearance hasn't changed one bit.
"Why did you leave...?" I asked in between sniffles.
"To convince you to follow me. The reason you're here is because I called you," her words were so ominous yet so sweet to my ears.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean... look,"
She lifted my head, pulling out a hand mirror, forcing me to stare into my dead and tired eyes.
"So much has happened to you... so much that you can't recover from. You were bullied for loving me, then I left without a trace. Isn't that horrible?" her eyebrows upturned into a concerned expression.
I nod, unable to respond.
"If I told you that there's a way to be together forever without any pain, would you take the chance?"
"In a heartbeat,"
Those sugar-coated words made me realize something.
The one thing I was so afraid of, Thanatos, was staring me in the eyes. I stood there, listening to a sweet lullaby that would eventually lure me to my death. I didn't even mind it. I'm no longer scared of Thanatos.
I just want her to take me in her arms and fall into a state of nothingness.
"Just step forward. If you do that, you can accomplish that dream,"

So, with the train's rumbling in the distance, I stepped forward.