Alone

I don't truly know anything about myself.

I make guesses over and over, but always arrive at the same comfortable answer.

I'm just holding onto that ideal that's been burning longer than I've known.

Whoever made the candle won't be so kind as to blow it out.

Holding tight to my own skin,

Filthy, caked in words of meaningless self comfort,

I watch as the masses have their fun.

This world, it really isn't my own, but I'll happily be deluded if it means no one needs to say a word.

Selflessness, I'm told, is the strong suit of those who have given up.

Making a game of blending in,

Wearing the black dress,

A morbid gift given by a clueless passion.

I left my home one last time.

The dead old hour of early 3,

No one out to question a thing.

Well, except for one,

Looking just as lost as me.

Wearing his dirty coat, he stares deep into my soul.

Fear, confusion, acceptance,

I quietly ask him what he wants with a lonely nobody.

Greeted by silence, and then a gentle touch on my cheek.

He whispers to me, like he knows everything.

Yet the comfort of his words makes me believe that, maybe, he really does.

"Let's leave this place far, far behind us.

Go to a place darker than any other.

If this world has chosen to bring us to this state,

Then it's only right we leave it,

Without any worry of the mocking gazes that brought us to this point."

You're taunting me,

Don't lie to me.

I know there's no such escape for someone like me.

Whether it be guilt,

Or a self hating slip,

I'll always end up back at the start of this.

Still you persist,

Holding tight to my wrists,

As the early morning chill starts to seep into my skin.

"Then why did you come out so late like this?"

I feel myself losing the ability to talk back.

My lips wish to explain, but it feels so stupidly childish.

Like I've never been able to explain, and so the feelings grew to a size that couldn't be contended with.

You see,

All the loneliness,

The time with myself persists,

Cause the selfishness of reaching out,

I know it would break me.

But lately I've been asking,

As I feel myself once again slip,

And as the pressure of holding it together on my own starts to itch at the scars on my skin,

"Am I even there for myself?"

–

I feel reality start to mesh inside itself,

Losing meaning as it melds into wooden walls.

Standing up to sitting down,

The couch is well put together.

Everything surrounding me feels like a dream,

Whether I wanna wake is unimportant it would seem,

As that relentless presence now holds out to me a cup of tea,

Reassurance brimming from his face.

His pretty features edge off the confusion,

My mind focused on his smiling lips.

To steal a kiss,

Call it my final kiss,

Would it make this farewell to everyone just a little bit romantic?

I just wanna hide how pathetic it is,

Still caring about the words that'll echo out even when I'm dead.

Cause no matter how selfish,

No matter how much I say I'm monstrous,

I feel my innocence and guilt devouring what's left.

"Don't give up on me yet.

I see your eyes sinking but it's fine dearest.

I want you to just see me,

See the beauty of leaving behind everything.

This world was never the right one for you.

It taunts you and plays with your emotions.

People ask you how you are,

And the only right answers are lies.

Does that sound like the world you belong in?

I know you may believe regrets exist,

But there's no room for second guessing.

There's no room for fear.

Just tell me the truth.

Tell me where you want to be."

What do you want to hear?

That I'm tired of lying to everyone?

That I'm done with losing the interest of those I love?

That I want someone to love the messy emotions of someone like me?

"I want to be here.

I want to be selfish."

Whether it's a lie or not,

I could never say for sure,

But feeling his lips against mine comforted my racing mind.

As if everything is gonna be fine.

As if the world would become clear to me.

I felt a pain in my stomach.

Indescribable and pulsing.

"Don't you dare scream."

I wanna scream.

"You know what they'll say."

I know what they'll say…

"This is your escape. It's gonna be okay."

I felt cold arms around my neck.

Or is my neck the one that's cold?

Something numbs the pain.

Is it the kiss or the dulling thoughts?

Nothing means anything now.

I'm free from selfishness,

From expectations.

I'm free from humanity.

Humanity…

Humans…

The beings wandering out the window…

Tell me, if I had reached out, would you have accepted me?

If I had done more than hide, would you have wiped my tears?

Or would I have been another bother?

Something to ignore with all your might?

I don't know…

I don't know…

It hurts.

It hurts.

Oh God it hurts.

My stomach hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts!

I-I don't wanna die!

I'm lonely, I'm alone, help me, help me, someone help me please!

"A-aa-aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

–

Something about this place feels familiar.

The bathing of white against my sensitive eyes forces them closed once again.

A room of white…

Somewhere safe…

I open my eyes to nobody.

Laying all alone, pain dully pulses from my belly.

All alone,

To think.

And so, I think…

As the clock gently ticks away the time, I begin to feel something falling down my cheeks.

I selfishly wipe my own tears,

When I know I only deserve to let myself be covered in them.

And then, as I'm thinking all to myself, the door opens.

Standing there, wearing a white shirt and jeans, I see a smiling face.

A smile that sets my heart at ease.

He tells me good morning.

I tell him good morning.

And my heart…I feel it start to flutter.