Pun Detectives and the Gift of the Magi (Part 1)

“It was sun stroke?” Greg said, shocked that it was sun stroke.

“It was sun stroke,” I answered, still shocked that it was sun stroke.

Evan just tapped at his game. He had the volume up so loud it was filling up the entire room. Maybe that was why we were the only ones here. If I heard gunfire coming from inside a fast food place, I sure as heck wouldn’t go in either.

It was Sunday evening. The clouds had thinned and the sun was hanging low like a red mirage, ready to set.

Greg dipped a fry in barbecue sauce. Even he had decent taste sometimes. He said, “So then that’s why you got that?”

“Yep.” I tapped what Greg was referring to with a knuckle, but then stopped. I didn’t know how fragile this thing was after all, and it hadn’t been cheap.

“Not to pry.” Evan finally decided to chime in. He turned down his game a decibel or two. Those phone speakers were insane. “But weren’t you mad at her or something? Cause of how she always ticked you off and stuff? And then how she went and ruined your favorite book?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I was mad. Actually, I still am. About the book. But Lily’s trying seriously hard to be human. To fit in with people, y’know? Really trying. That’s what counts, right?”

Greg and Evan didn’t look all that convinced. But that was ok. I had already made up my mind. The thin, transparent rectangle on the table was clear proof of that.

“Plus, I said some pretty nasty things about her too,” I admitted.

“Yeah, yeah, we get it, dude.” said Greg. Evan added a nod, agreeing with him apparently.

“Get what?” I asked.

“You like her.”

“Sh-shut up.”

“But look," said Greg. "Don’t get mad at me for this or anything. I’m just gonna say it, alright? And I obviously wouldn't know from experience, but… getting a girl an apology gift is kind of lame, don’t you think?”

“Huh? Well, yeah. But so what?” I agreed with him. I couldn’t stomach sappy stuff like that either.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean, ‘What do you mean?’”

“Oh, god. Not this again. What I mean is: isn’t that what this is? An apology gift” He aimed a french-fry-greasy finger at the object on the table. A smudge waiting to happen. At the last second, right before his finger dropped, I slid the target out of the way, avoiding a certain smear across its flat, clear face. Not today, fingerprints.

“Nope. It’s not an apology.” Lily and I were on the same page about that. She had said she didn’t want any apologies, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had no right to give her any. After all, I had still said all that awful stuff about her — and at the time, I believed it. An apology would have been nothing more than empty words.

“So if it’s not an apology, then what is?”

“Enough with the 20 questions… Why don’t you just…”

Slowly, carefully, I inched my hand across the table top, aiming to score some fries on the sly while I distracted Greg with our little back-and-forth. No such luck: I was spotted. Spud-den death.

“H-hey! Hands off! Those’re mine!” He swiped the fries out of my reach.

“Just gimme like half!”

“No way!”

“Fine, then just ¾!”

“No wonder you’re failing math.”

“Hey, Greg, Evan?” I said, suddenly trying to sound serious for the first time this evening. I had something important to tell them. I’d been dancing around it, but if I didn’t just say it now, all at once, I probably never would.

“Y-yeah? What, dude?” Greg dropped the fries, surprised by my sudden switch to serious mode.

“Sorry about this week.”

“Huh? What for?” Evan asked.

“Well, you know, I kinda relegated you guys to backup and everything.” I figured they were probably kind of ticked about that.

“Oh, that? Dude, don’t worry about that. It’s not like we’re officially supposed to be helping you out or anything.”

“Yeah,” Evan said. His fingers were moving so fast they were basically a blur. Stupid as it may sound, I missed that sight. “But you can still count on us if you ever have to. We’ll be there for you, no questions.”

“What he said,” Greg said in between handfuls of fries. “We may not have any special pun talents like you—”

“Thankfully,” Evan added unnecessarily.

“—but say the word and we’re there, man. Just like always.”

Damn. Greg was actually right. They had always been there for me, whenever I’d asked. I was pretty sure I didn’t really deserve friends as good as them, but I was thankful nonetheless.

“Th-thanks…” I stammered. This was bad. Like, really bad. Something was welling up inside me, threatening to come out all at once. If it did, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it, and so I pulled out the oldest trick in the book once again. One day I’d stop relying on this thing as my go-to in a pinch. Today was not that day.

“Look over there!” I said, pointing. “Is that a UFO?!”

“What? Where?”

Greg’s gaze followed the jab of my forefinger. Hook, line, etc. He might’ve been even more scared of the supernatural now than when I had inadvertently shocked the phobia into him all those years ago. Oops.

Anyway, even Evan peeled his eyes off his phone for a second to look too, and for the split second they weren’t looking my way, I snatched a couple stray napkins and used them to wipe my eyes before they could get even wetter than they already were. Then, with all the willpower I could muster, I forced the faucets closed for good.

“I don’t see anything,” Greg said, turning back around.

“Yeah,” Evan added. “What are you talking about, dude. No UFOs in sight.”

But they were wrong. I could see two UFOs, plain as day. I could see my Unwavering Friends, One-of-a-kind.

The end of Pun Detectives and the Gift of the Magi (Part 1)!
To be continued in Part 2!