Ruin of Eros

Sometime in winter. I was laying on my bed, listening to the rhythmic pulses beside me. The ceiling was as boring as ever.

There was something wrong with me. Embedded in my arms were wires and tubes, monitoring every last change within my body.

It wasn’t looking good for me at all.

Ever since that day, the day I learned of my problem, my world came crashing down. Everyday was a blur. The only things I could look forward to were medical tests, meals and occasionally, a visit from my friends and family.

I spent my days in monotony.

But I could tell that was due to change very soon. I don’t have any time left.

     It’s said there are two types of people:
     those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
     and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos.

I’ve seen some patients affected by Thanatos during my stay here. The crazier ones, those that constantly attempted to take their own lives, all claimed to have seen the God of Death. I don’t believe in such things.

I haven’t seen anything of the sort.

Unlike them, I don’t long to die. I want to live.

I want to live a long life with all of my loved ones by my side. I want to grow old, raise a loving family and leave this world without regrets.

And yet, my due date has come sooner than expected.

I cannot fathom dying here.

And so, I’ve come to my decision.

I simply won’t.

Even if it means prolonging my suffering, then so be it. I won’t be dying so easily. I’ll continue to live on my own terms.

That’s what it means to be ruled by the desire for life.

Knock knock. A nameless doctor came back with his results. He had me sit up in order to face him with a serious look on his face.

Nothing good was sure to follow in this atmosphere, silent except for the rhythmic pulses.

***

It was past 1:00 AM. I should’ve been sleeping, but I was sitting on the side of my bed. The night sky outside was lovely.

According to that doctor, I was supposedly having trouble with my short-term memory. I’d apparently already met the doctor before today. He had a name, but I didn’t remember it.

I still don’t.

That was odd. I remembered him telling it to me again. My memory really was getting hazy.
It’s not like I really cared about him anyway. I could still remember the important things. Like my family.

I have a sister and two loving parents. Just the other day, my sister came to visit. She brought my favourite sweets with her.

     My favourite sweets…
     What were they again?

One glance down into my trash bin revealed that I’ve eaten chocolates recently. Chocolate was my favourite, I suppose.

Even if I didn’t remember that, it was the experience of sharing them with my sister that I treasured. I loved her, and she was one of the few things I had left in my life.

My family is all affected by Eros, which they expressed to me whenever they visited. They would give me their greatest prayers and didn’t even think about death at all.

I didn’t either until very recently.

My sister—my only family—was the sole person keeping me going.

As I was staring into the night sky, a figure fell past my window. It was a person. A young girl, just like me. She raced down the outside of the building, her hair and clothes blowing in the rushing air.

Her hair obscured her eyes, but I caught a brief glimpse of the bottom half of her face.

She was smiling.

Just as quick as she appeared, she was out of sight, falling towards the ground at fatal speeds.

Why would she have done that? I know that Eros will stubbornly hold onto life, but the normal people should also have an instinct to live. Unless something bad happened to them, normal people shouldn’t want to throw themselves off a building.

Though, I guess this place is bad news for everyone admitted here.

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if I wasn’t affected by Eros. If I was simply not affected by anything, would I still have held onto life this long?

     It’s said there are two types of people:
     those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
     and those that aren’t.

I felt like something was wrong about that thought. It wasn’t correct.

In fact, a lot of what I’m thinking isn’t right.

I don’t remember what it was that I shared with my sister.

I don’t think she was my sole family member either.

I’m forgetting something other than Eros.

Those ruled by…

     What is happening to me?!

I grasped my head with my palms, digging my fingers into my hair. My head wasn’t hurting, but I didn’t feel okay. I felt empty. Numb.

I started hyperventilating. I reached for my phone. My sister said to call her immediately if anything happened to me. I had to talk to my sister.

What was her name again?

I am not forgetting it… It was slipping past me due to the stress of this situation. That had to be it!

I was sure that I had it saved on my phone somewhere, so I turned it on. My wallpaper illuminated my face.

     Who are these people?!

Behind my sister and I were two older people, one man and one woman. Were they my parents?

I put that thought aside for now. All that mattered was that I talked to my sister. I swiped my screen and some numbers appeared.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, so I pressed one.

And then another.

And then some more.

After some time, my phone stopped responding, so I tossed it aside.

I had to call someone, anyone! This clearly wasn’t right!

There was surely a way to contact someone who knew what to do. I looked around, finding many buttons on different machines. I had no idea what any of them did, but there was a phone on my desk I could use.

I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear, pleading for help. On the other end, there was nothing but dead noise. I inputted a random number into the dial, but nothing changed.

I started to cry. I didn’t know what else I could do other than cry. I couldn’t remember. There was nothing in my mind, just like the dead noise in my ear.

I didn’t remember who I had to call, but I absolutely had to talk to them. I needed to be told I was going to be okay.

I dropped the receiver and ran out of my room, ripping all the wires and tubes off of my body. Behind me was an unending frequency. A flat electronic buzz.

The hallway was empty. I called out for help, but nobody answered.

I ran and ran until eventually, I found a map.

There were some words I didn’t recognize.

     Thanatos Ward.
     Eros Ward.

Some kind of code perhaps? It wasn’t important to me anyway. I located a service desk on the map and prayed that I’d remember the way.

I ran through the halls, scraping my mind to remember something—anything—about myself.

I found myself on the roof of the building. The winter air was freezing. The snow leading up to the railing had footprints left behind. Someone must’ve been around here.

I walked around the roof, but there was nobody in sight.

I collapsed onto my knees, burying my sobbing face into my hands. I was scared. Everything to me was unknown. Everything was leaving me.

     I'm going to disappear, aren't I?
     Please! I don't want to be forgotten! Remember me! My name is...

I can’t even see anything anymore. I can’t feel the cold pricking my skin. I can’t even hear the wind blowing past my ears.

As I sobbed uncontrollably, I wondered…

     What am I fighting so hard for?

I looked up. I was in an endless space. Water and the night sky stretched as far as I could see.
And in front of me was a girl.

She appeared older than I, but based on my reflection on the water, she had a similar appearance to I.

     “Was it you that brought me to ruin?”
     “...”

She extended her hand, reaching out to me on my knees.

There was something enticing about her offer. I had the feeling that if I left everything to her, I’d be okay.

With my final remaining memories burning away, I reached out towards her.

     As long as I hang onto life, I'll never be able to see you.
     Together, hand-in-hand,
     we'll walk to the end of the night sky.