Heartthrob Hellion

I do not love Tatsuki Kago.

I love the idea

Of him loving me.

Late at night I share private moments with myself in bed, not thinking of him- but of me, seen in his eyes as the most beautiful woman in the world. I imagine the praise he’d give me. The life we’d share together. I imagine how grateful he’d be to have me as his woman.

But I never imagine him.

I don’t see his face. I don’t see his eyes. Only sometimes his words. And even then, they are hollow compared to the invisible something I truly lust after- whatever life would be like, if I only belonged to him.

So though my heart beats faster when he looks at me, even though I want to touch and become one with his body, the very one I can’t clearly picture in my head-

If asked if I love him, I’d respond no in full honesty.

I think someone cast a spell on me. One night I dreamt of our future wedding, and I’ve never been able to think of him the same way ever since. We were just classmates- me, the tomboyish queen of the geeks, an honorary guy, one of the boys through-and-through- and him, the reluctant A-student who wouldn’t so much as check me out like the others sometimes might.

I know that Kago-Sama is capable of being attracted to women. He has had many girlfriends, in fact, though never in recent memory has this dissuaded my desires- I’d be perfectly happy settling on being used as his side dish, just so long as I could be with him. And I myself am not unattractive, though I do not stand out in the slightest. Still, all this in mind- I would be shocked to hear it if Kago had ever bore even a single impure thought of me. Try as I might, bettering my makeup, pushing the dress code to its limits, and flirting incessantly- he never returned my advances, or likely even noticed them.

I did not plan to go to college, childishly hoping I could be a housewife by the end of my senior year- but when I heard of Kago-Sama’s interest in a notoriously difficult Tokyo college, I began to cram like a madwoman. For the majority of a year, I would eat only once every three days and bathe bi-weekly. I know this would not make me any more appealing to him, but I highly doubted that things could get any worse. It didn’t matter, anyway. I was playing the long game now. And I got into that college, right alongside him.

During graduation, I tried to hold his hand. He laughed and asked if I thought he was my father, and laughed. I bore a hole through the floor staring at the ground. I bit my tongue so hard that night that it has never healed since.

When the start of our first semester drew near, I knew I had to make the most of the opportunity I’d seized for myself. I hacked into his computer the second class registration opened to put us all in the same courses. The same went for our dorm- of course, the university, strangely puritanical as it was, did not allow for co-ed rooms, so I had to enroll as male. The Saintly Kago-Sama did not question the circumstances, but the effort I went through to achieve this small victory rivalled the size of getting into the school in the first place, and weighed heavily on my mind. That, and my legal information was now permanently scarred.

Living with Kago-Sama was less exciting than I had anticipated. I could no longer masturbate- nor did I desire to, even outside his presence- the constant proximity made me too anxious. My movements became stilted in days. I never used our bathroom or microwaved food in fear of producing odors, having to run around the campus for my basic necessities. I did sometimes use the shower, leaving the door open in the hopes he would walk in on me, but such never came to be.

What a gentleman.

Fucking pig. He should be grateful to have me in his life. I have read very many Shonen manga series in which a girl like me is the object of utmost male desire. A shameless pawn to the hero who willingly lives as both a worthless sex object for him to ogle as well as a supporter so tenacious that if he is ever to have a problem she will be able to solve it for him. I am a fantasy. A fictional stereotype pretending to be a woman. And I love it. I loathe this beast he’s made of me, but I don’t wanna change. My world revolves around him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him if I tried. Christ. Bechdel would murder me in my sleep if she had the chance.

To my surprise, Kago-Sama quickly lost interest in his studies within weeks of beginning class. This further infuriated me, after all I’d done to get here with him. But this was only the start of a new game. He told me he was becoming an artist- a musician. How exciting. He wanted me for help on his debut album- at first, just to be an assistant, a roadie of sorts. And for the first time, I felt the euphoria that was the experience of Kago needing me.

I was paid in compliments. You’re doing so great, he’d say, now and then as we worked. The weekends were the best. You’re the best I could ask for, he told me. I ate it up. Kago would never lead me on or manipulate me, so I knew it was genuine. It was then I swore to myself that he must never discover my obsession with him, lest he cease the pleasurable emotional torture he was forcing on me that I so craved. From that moment on, I stopped flirting with him entirely. He did not take notice.

I’d do whatever he said on the spot. Anything he asked for I’d give it to him. Sometimes even he things he didn’t ask for. I just wanted to be useful to him. Eventually I wanted to be more than just his aux mule. I began learning the drums. Then the piano. Then the bass. Every bandmate he’d ever need, all wrapped into one beautiful, virginal woman, waiting for him to take me-

And he never did.

Today is the last straw. The band has grown- try as I might to be helpful to him, I’ve been overshadowed by others… the genius composer, the voluptuous bassist… our stupid fucking drummer who Kago-Sama won’t stop hitting on. I’ve just been reduced to the one who stands in for the real members whenever they’re too high or hung over to show up for rehearsal. I don’t get paid, I don’t enjoy it- I hardly even hear his compliments anymore. I often think of dying.

But today’s the day. It’s not his fault- Kago-Sama’s busy. There’s so much on his plate right now it’s no wonder he doesn’t have time to appreciate what I do for him. And that’s fine. It’s up to me to show him how much he means to me. I'm so scared… but today I have to do it. I have to tell Kago-Sama I love him, even if it’s a lie.

I knock on his apartment door just down the hall from mine. This floor’s become our home base, even if we can’t make much noise.

I hear voices from behind the door.

“Is that room service…?”

“I’m so tired…”

“Kago, go see if it’s room service.”

“It’s probably just Chiasa again, go to the bathroom. I doubt you’d want either of them to see you like that.”

“Fiiiine…”

After a breif moment, the door creaks open. I see his so-so face, red and tired. He’s shirtless. Shirtless in front of me… well, I guess he doesn’t care if I see.

“K-Kago…”

“Chiasa?” He groggily replies as I slowly step through the doorway, causing him to step back in his sleepy haze. “You’re always coming here. What’s up? Write another song?”

“I… uh. Uh…” Panic sets in as I forget what I was about to say- what I came here for.

“Take your time.” He says, though it’s sarcastic… that doesn’t bother me. I think I… I think I know why I’m here now.

“I… um… I…”

“Chiasa, what’s the matter?” Now he just sounds concerned. It doesn’t matter. He’ll understand soon. I start to hype myself up. Start to breathe harder, faster. I know. I know what to do.

“Chiasa, what the-“

“I….!”

I speak a bit too loud and scare him. That’s okay. That doesn’t matter. I hop up and down.

“I…. I…”

“Chiasa, calm-“

I scratch my hand across my chest, wrapping my shirt open and flaying the skin.

“I…..!”

“Chiasa!”

Sticking them into the red paste, I pull out my beating, dripping red heart and hold it out to him.

“I lo- I lo-“

I choke on my own words as the blood steaks down my legs, but I can’t get it out.

“I…”

I fall to the ground. The last thing I see is Kago-Sama’s face, disgusted and terrified, as our drummer Mika comes out of the bathroom to hold him in fear.

With my remaining life leaking out of me onto the hotel carpet, I start to wonder if maybe I love Tatsuki Kago.