Leave me alone

Ah, another shit day again, when is the suffering going to end, or am I stuck in this hell for eternity. Someone threw my shoes to the fish pond in the school, now it's soaking wet and smell like fish.

Now I have to walk barefoot from school, in this hot summer, my feet is burning.

What did I do to deserve all of this? I know I'm not good looking, or smart, or whatever, I'm just a below average person, but why am I being picked on? am I not already in bad shape enough, and then they piled on me.

No one did anything to help me, I'm a helpless rat being played by a cat, they won't eat me and instead playing me so I can suffer much longer because they're heartless menace. I am looking left and right, there is no one, they just watch me getting kicked down over and over without power to fight back.

I'm home, there is no one at home because both my parents are still working. I go to my bedroom immediately, without changing my clothes or washing my feet that is full of dirt. My cat is sleeping on my bed, very soundly.

My relative gave me this kitten when it was only 2 months old, she was tiny when I got her, and now she's like a full grown adult even though she's only 4 months old now. Too bad only her body is big, she is pretty much a kitten that loves to play and bite.

I just want to sleep forever, and live in my own dream world where no one can hurt me, unless god found a way to punish me inside my own head too.

Let me just close my eyes and forget everything and maybe leave this world for good.

I wake up, the sun is already down, nothing has changed. My cat sleeps beside me, she's super cute, my warm, fluffy, and fat ball of cuteness, that also bite and scratch me.

I don't really feel waking up right now, in fact I just want to hug my cat right now, and nothing else. But my body says no, so I just there staring at my laptop on my desk, that I forgot to turn off since last night, I want to write a song, but my body lacks the motivation.

My brain wants to do it, but my body not, it's as if my body won't listen to me right now. I know being sad is bad for your body, but I don't know it's to the point that my body won't listen to me.

"Ruru, dinner is ready!" My mom called from the outside.

I forced myself to move, and 5 minutes later it's finally responding to my brain. I wake up from my bed, change my clothes and then walk to kitchen.

My cat also woke up without me realizing, she immediately went to the kitchen to get her dinner first, and few minutes later there is me that is barely hanging to myself.

I sit at the dinner table with my parents, my mom made us a curry.

"What they did to you at school?" my mom asking me.

"They threw my shoes at the pond." I answer softly, I don't have the energy.

"We're sorry we can't do anything, if you want to transfer school just tell us."

"Thank you."

"Ruru, I've got something for you." Said my father, then he picked up something from under the table, "I asked my friend, if there is something that can help you make music at home, and they told me about this."

He put a box of something that instantly brightens my day, something that I really want to have, "it's a midi controller! thank you dad!"

"I don't know what's the difference between keyboard and this, but my friend said to buy this specifically, so I bought it." He smiles. "I'm glad you're happy."

I open the box, and can't stop smiling, it's the real deal, now I can play instruments with feelings other than my guitar.

"Now, let's eat before the food is cold." says my mom.

I'm eating it as quickly as possible, my mom is not happy and said that I should slow down or I'll choke, but I keep eating quickly so I can play with this as soon as possible.

After eating, I drink some water and then rush to my bedroom, plug it to my laptop, open my software and start noodling with it.

From piano, synth, drums, choirs, and even xylophones.

I just noodle around until midnight, when my mom told me to sleep, even though it's kinda hard to sleep when I just woke up 5 hours ago, but I force myself to sleep.

I wake up, it's another day of suffering at school, isn't it?

My shoes already dried up, and I walk to school praying with every step that today is going to be okay, if god actually listen to me, or if it exist at all. Honestly I already gave up on the concept of god since I enter this school, but going back to it because it's my coping mechanism. When something is going wrong, I'll blame god, and then I ask god to stop my suffering to give myself some hope, and the cycle continues.

So nothing much happening, until lunch break, when I just want to get outside and eat all alone on the roof, they stopped me and took my lunch box. "Oh, what is this, an omurice? it'll taste better if it's on the ground, no? so let me help you." Then they throw my lunchbox outside, I can see all the food scattered on the ground, they just laughed and walk back to their seat.

I always called them, because I don't know who it is, there are different people who bullies me everyday, I don't know which one is today.

I'm boiling, I know I shouldn't do this, but out of nowhere I got the feeling to fight it.

I chase them, I can finally see, it's a girl, that fucking asshole that's supposed to be the idol? I pushed her to the ground, choke her with my left hand, and punched her in the face, "give my lunch back!" I scream at her, and punched her again, "give my lunch back I said!" I punched her again, my hand hurts, my entire body shakes, I feel like I'm pushing my body over the limit.

A teacher saw me from the outside, and pulled me to the teacher's room. When the teacher pulled me, she shouted "what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Now, I'm at the teacher's room, "she tossed my lunch outside." I sit there, crying.

"But that's too much, you can always report it to the teacher. I'll call your parents."

I run away to the toilet, and cries. It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's her fault for doing that. Why? why is everyone picking on me? I don't understand, I want to go away and disappear.

I'm back to my classroom, everyone looks at me with a face of disgust, I'm trying to ignore them as much as possible, but it's hard when it's all of them.

School is over, I run to my home, and start writing, to release my frustation.

Please leave me alone
I don't do anything
Please leave me alone
I don't do anything

Give me back my lunch
Please give it back
Give me back my lunch
Please give it back

Please die and go away
Please let me die and disappear
Please go away and die
Please let me disappear completely

Give me back my lunch
Please give it back
Give me back my lunch
Please give it back
Please give it back
Please give it back

Why?!
Why?!
Why?!
Why?!
Why?!
Why?!

Please go away
Please go away
Please go away
Please I beg you

Leave me alone

I play a depressing piano piece, with shoddily played guitar, and screamed on top of my lungs. I can't take it anymore, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go to school, I just want to lock myself until me or the time itself collapsed.

Please, leave me alone.