thank you random person on the internet

Yesterday I punched someone, and today my parents is called to the school, and I don't want to go to school. My mom keep trying to pull me out of my bed, but I won't budge a little bit, I need a break from those jerks that probably will beat me up after what happened yesterday, and everything will get worse, it's too much.

I don't know if moving school will do anything, i am now more scared of people than ever. I don't even know if there is any school that is open anyway, that is at least as good as this one. Actually, is it even a good school if they turn a blind eye to what is going on with me? it's been 5 months and they did nothing.

Music is my only escape, and I want people to listen to me, but there is no one listening. I shout and scream to my mic and no one cares, it seems like no one actually cares about me, I'm drowned by more talented people.

I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and seeing no one listens to my music is making it worse. This bottomless pit keep pulling me deeper, and everything is pushing me down.

I can count the amount of time people listens to my music with my hand, every time I look at it it's very depressing. My cry for help is reaching no one, not even god himself.

My last song, which I titled leave me alone, got 0 views on youtube. That 0 looks like the rope on my neck in the near future if nothing is changing for the better. Though maybe jumping from a building is a more painless death, because it's pretty much instant.

But can I even do that? the image of my parents crying at my funeral when I took my own life always hold me back, I don't want them to cry, ever. They're the one that keeps me going even through these times.

And, who will feed my cat if I'm gone? poor girl already lost her mom from poisoning, imagine if she lose me, I don't know if a cat can even cope with that.

I always stuck in this cycle of, I'm gonna end it, remembers that there are people that I don't want to shed a single tear, to stop thinking about it for a few days, and then repeat. It's a cycle with the last one keeps getting shorter and shorter, to the point that someday I'll just go back and forth by the hour and either make me goes insane or make me pull the trigger.

I, can't handle it.

I spent so much making music, in hope that someone might hear me and at least enjoy listening to it, not even relate to me or help me, but there are less people listening to me than a baby crying at night.

I know locking myself in my room crying myself to sleep and complaining about the world won't help me, but I don't know what the hell I should do anymore, I can't help myself and no one is willing to reach my hand and pull me out of this situation.

I know my parents is trying to help me but I don't see anything changing, I am still suffering the same as always.

Maybe I should transfer, maybe.

I should get a breakfast, I'm starting to get hungry.

I go to the kitchen, and get myself some rice and curry from last night. Eating alone, just like in the school, well not really alone since my cat is also here begging for my curry.

I always told her that this is my food, but she keeps begging every time I eat something when my parents is not around. Sometimes I give her my leftovers but today is no, this curry is spicy and she will taste it, realize that it's spicy, and just leave.

After eating my breakfast at 10 am, I'm back to my bedroom and turn on my laptop to see if anything changed. I turned off every notifications in my phone except for chats and DMs, so I wouldn't know if I get a comment or anything unless I check it.

I opened youtube, and apparently there is a notification. I click it, and it's a comment.

Their username is AkariShin, "I found 'I fell in love with my cat' randomly on my homepage and I've been listening to your music since, and this one is probably the best song you made. I can hear your anger and depression in it, I hope everything gets better for you." They commented.

Finally I have someone that actually listens to my music and even commented on it. I'm over the moon, but for some reason the sadness still lingers so I got this mixed feelings and can't decide whether I am happy or sad right now, so it's weird.

I heart their comment, and answered "thank you so much! I am so happy that you enjoyed it and can hear my feelings in it! really brightens my day, and I hope you for the best too! thank you!"

Maybe all of this is not a waste of time, though I still far and far away from actual success, it's just one person.

That comment keeps me going, until now, 5 years later.

Now I have a band with my good friends, and have my own fans and internet friends that will support me.

I think god heard my plead all this time, but I'm too impatient to see it.