To Catch A Fallen Heart

Under the stars, the boy and girl stand together on the precipice. They’re in their own little world, sharing some dark, delicious secret. Seeing them together, I feel claws tear into me, piercing my heart, draining the gentleness out of me. Poison spreads through my veins. I lose feeling in my limbs. At some point, I think I stop breathing. Maybe that’s why I can see her, the God of Death, although I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m the third person on this roof with a death wish, and therefore I’m allowed to see…

She is majestic. Her skin emits its own light. Her face visible even in the darkness. Her eyes are as dark as night. Her lips pale, her cheeks hollow like there’s no flesh under them. She looks terribly sick. Still, I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful… No wonder he fell for her.

Since the day he first met her, he’s been showing up for her, keeping her from falling off the edge of the world.

It's the sixth time now.

*

He called me again right after she told him ‘goodbye’.

I ignored his first two calls as I was trying to get grape soda from my uniform. The customer in front of me was yelling, her voice keep getting louder and more shrill. Purple liquid dripped off the counter and the smell of something burning wafted from the microwave behind me. My co-workers stood around and stared, but stayed away.

Many believe that those ruled by Eros are constantly happy. The truth is people ruled by Eros are more resilient. They are drawn to the desire to keep each other alive. Yet, in recent months, rumours spread that Thanatos had stolen Eros’s heart and hidden it away in the city. This had weakened Eros and made more humans vulnerable to death’s temptations. We were living in dangerous, desperate times when even humans ruled by Eros could see the God of Death in different incarnations. I hoped I wouldn’t become one of them.

I apologized and lowered my head, making myself appear as small as possible. Eventually the woman had enough and left. As the doors slid shut, an instrumental of the song ‘Monster’ rang out in the store. The song soothed my racing heart. I let it play on three times before I picked up my phone.

The moment I heard his voice, I knew what it was about. Not again, I thought. I knew why he needed me. I almost hoped the horrible woman who yelled at me would rush back and stop me from going to him.

“She just said goodbye. How can she do this to me again? How can she do this to us?”

The wind blew dust in my eyes, I buttoned up my coat, and the doors shut behind me. Sirens blared from every direction and I pressed my finger in my other ear but couldn’t block the chaos. His voice sounded distant. I could hear the wind coming from his side of the phone. “Come with me… I’m scared of what she’ll do…Please be there…for me…Just in case…” I pressed the phone close to my chest, grateful we still had this connection. “…In case she pulls me down with her…”

Ever since he fell in love with her, the boy I knew had faded away. It was like she had carved out his flesh and patched his skin back over, until he was only a shell of who he used to be.

Thanatos had stolen away the boy with the strongest desire to live. I once believed with my whole heart that he was Eros’s favourite. He might as well have been the missing heart. Everything changed with her arrival. With every attempt to take her own life, she forced him farther away from Eros. From me.

*

I hide behind the door at the top of the stairs. Hearing him attempt to dissuade her from jumping gives me a speck of hope. In my mind I imagine Eros and Thanatos playing a vicious game of tug-o-war with him being the rope. He’d follow her to the ends of the earth…but Eros’s influence made him reach out to me every time. Back and forth the two of us went at the whim of the Gods. A weird sort-of dance. What made him so special? Why did they both want him?

His voice had changed so much. He used to talk really fast, especially when he went on about things he cared passionately about, like Van Gogh and The Starry Night. His eyes would glow with excitement. In my eyes, he shone brighter than all the stars in the sky.

I peer out onto the roof. His arms are around her. He wraps his fingers around wavy hair and leans in to kiss her. The back of my neck prickles. My chest hurts. My nails leave long scratches down my arms. I walk away. It hurts to see him deeply in love. It hurts to see him suffer. If love is a tool in the Gods’ games, then people in love always got hurt, no matter whether they desired love or death. Everyone loses in the end.

Then, I should just leave them… Let them be. They know what they want. I know they wouldn’t want me getting in the way. Give them what they want. Let them die. Death is where we’re all headed anyway. Thanatos claims everyone eventually. If he doesn’t die today, he’ll die tomorrow or the next time she says ‘goodbye’. Even if he lives, he won’t stop loving her, and where does this leave me? Always running after him…

The sound of footsteps echo around the stairwell. The wind grazing my cheeks feels familiar, like I’ve been down this route before. The echoes shift in the wind. I hear humming, shouting, and somehow, cheering. Other footsteps join mine as I run down the stairs. I remember noises from the afternoons of school days. Words growing clearer and bouncing off the walls. Voices I hadn't heard in years…

“So do you want to grab a bite somewhere?”

“Tomorrow, maybe. I gotta run. My friend’s waiting for me.”

“Wait—where are you going?”

“Up to the roof! He’s waiting for me there!”

The boy waved to me as I stepped into the warm afternoon sun.

I stop. I get it now. I don’t really want him to die.

I run up, into the bright night of neon signs and office lights. For years I’d been waiting for an opportunity to reach him. I am done with waiting on the sidelines. Why hadn’t I realized sooner? The right moment was always now.

I grab him and push him away from the ledge.

*

Her eyes glow crimson. Pure hatred spills from her eyes. She grabs my hand and jumps. In midair, she forsakes her beautiful mask. There is nothing between Thanatos and I, just the cool night air. As I fall, Thanatos whispers in my ear: It’s only a matter of time before the God of Death returns as another beautiful, sad girl, teetering on the edge of life. If you die, who’ll run after the boy then? Who will save him?

With these words, Thanatos disappears, and I am filled with fear. I cannot hear the words I say to the boy who is still up there, on the ledge.

Before I die I ask Eros to protect the boy.

“I helped you win, Eros. I handed you this victory. You owe me…”

I tell him to live, to watch the sun rise tomorrow.

“It’s not enough,” Eros says. “Why did you have to go and toss away your life for him? He was nothing special. It was you Thanatos wanted. Thanatos knew that I needed you, loved you. Yet you only had eyes for him…”

I’m surprised to see tears in Eros’s eyes.

“He is my life,” I plead. “He is the reason I wanted to live. Don’t let him die. I’ll hate you if you do. I’ll come back as something more terrifying than Thanatos. I’ll become your Death. You never stood a chance against one Thanatos and together we could destroy you and everything in the world. Keep him alive or else I’ll never forgive you. Keep him safe or else I promise I’ll…”

Eros closes my eyes and I lose the power to speak, to fight back. Warm tears drip onto my cheeks. A weeping Eros holds my body, saying:

“You’ve already killed me with words you’ve said out of anger. With your own will, you’ve destroyed the person I lived to protect. You’ve taken me down with you. Don’t you understand that I cannot save him because I cannot even save myself? Didn’t you know that our hearts are tied to the same fate? Tonight Eros lost and Thanatos won. It happens time after time. An endless, meaningless dance. Your heart runs after the boy and Thanatos always wins."